Thank you. You perfectly and painfully captured our experience with my mother in law who died in December. She had dementia and aphasia-a double whammy when pressed to come up with the “right” words for an automated system or a human with minimal patience. She was one of the most affirming and loving individuals that walked the earth. It’s like an emotional release valve when you come across someone else’s experience that so resonates with your own. Breaks through the layered heart break and grief. Thank you for that too. Grateful to come across your post this morning. Feel a lot of tenderness for you three.
Yes, I remember this sort of thing. In fact, even once my father died, banks required his authorization before they would be willing even to speak with us, forcing us to submit the death certificate over and over to the same financial institution.
It is not just about people with dementia. The issue arises too with adults with disabilities who for physical or mental-health reasons cannot negotiate a long interview in person or by phone.
I am so glad you or your mother is always with your father, as unscrupulous people will accept any mark of the pen as a signature on a document he would never have signed before his dementia.
The indignities inflicted on the elderly are numerous, especially in the areas of finance/banking and health care. My 95-year old mother. physically frail and near deaf but mentally unimpaired, preferred to do things for herself when possible and found those opportunities few and far between, largely because of automated systems that did not and could not respond to her limitations or her needs. This is an area of so-called customer service that needs to be examined. Thanks for opening that conversation, Courtney.
Oh dear Court. All of us of that certain age could relate to your experience. It is the way of things that makes us feel inadequate to navigate the many systems we must deal with. I have no shame in how I handle some situations. I start by telling the voice at the end of the line to think of me as their grandmother and treat me as such. Sometimes this helps and sometimes not so much. I tell them to go slow and speak distinctly.
OUCH. I have murdered many pillows over the last years, Courtney - a direct correlation with the frustrations you've explained. Back in 2015 I spent months and month deciphering dad's codes for passwords in his little book and getting an excel-like index of the different, incomings bills etc etc...VERY luckily for us this was just before things got really bad.
Thank you or sharing your experience so that we can all be seen.
My motto these days is never assume, copy in triplicate, save in PDF, ask for names, for specific notes to be put on the customer record, and never assume things get communicated. Unfortunately, this applies to hospital and GP practice communications AND financial organisations!! I learnt many lessons.
Beautiful--thank you. I am navigating cleaning out my parents house with my Mom who has dementia after losing my Dad 6 years ago to dementia. You have perfectly described the whole emotional range of this process. It is such a range of unspeakable joy and gut wrenching pain. Thank you for helping me feel less alone.
Courtney - not sure if you remember me, but I had the great privilege of supporting your dad when he was that bankruptcy attorney. I’m so sorry for all that you’re dealing with. The way you describe who he was and who he is now tears at my heart. He is such an amazing person. I’m sending love and hugs to you and your mom. Give her a big hug for me.
Oof. Heartbreakingly familiar. Last week I was on the phone with a nurse about getting a handicapped placard for when we take our dad anywhere. She politely explained that there didn't seem to be any diagnosis that would qualify for a need for this. Apparently being 92, slow, and easily out-of-breath isn't enough. And then, once we jumped through all the hoops to convince the nurse to talk to the doctor to get this approved, they sent a form that the local DMV refused to honor because it hasn't been used since 2018. After dragging our dad to the DMV (because he must show up in person), the DMV clerk handed us the current form - which looks eerily similar to the 2018 form - and said we would have to go back to the doctor to have the whole thing re-filled out and signed. God-forbid they staple the forms together and call it a day! Sigh!
Thank you. You perfectly and painfully captured our experience with my mother in law who died in December. She had dementia and aphasia-a double whammy when pressed to come up with the “right” words for an automated system or a human with minimal patience. She was one of the most affirming and loving individuals that walked the earth. It’s like an emotional release valve when you come across someone else’s experience that so resonates with your own. Breaks through the layered heart break and grief. Thank you for that too. Grateful to come across your post this morning. Feel a lot of tenderness for you three.
❤️
Thank you, Lori! I'm sorry for your loss and so grateful for the reflection.
This brought tears with memory of my years navigating my own dear mom’s Alzheimer’s disease. Thank you!
"I think about the automation of everything and how cruel it can be."
What a beautiful story, Courtney. And this line is so true, even for those of us with all of our faculties intact. ❤️
Yes, I remember this sort of thing. In fact, even once my father died, banks required his authorization before they would be willing even to speak with us, forcing us to submit the death certificate over and over to the same financial institution.
It is not just about people with dementia. The issue arises too with adults with disabilities who for physical or mental-health reasons cannot negotiate a long interview in person or by phone.
I am so glad you or your mother is always with your father, as unscrupulous people will accept any mark of the pen as a signature on a document he would never have signed before his dementia.
The indignities inflicted on the elderly are numerous, especially in the areas of finance/banking and health care. My 95-year old mother. physically frail and near deaf but mentally unimpaired, preferred to do things for herself when possible and found those opportunities few and far between, largely because of automated systems that did not and could not respond to her limitations or her needs. This is an area of so-called customer service that needs to be examined. Thanks for opening that conversation, Courtney.
This is so beautifully written. Thank You for sharing xxx
You are utterly amazing❤️ And so are both of your parents.
Oh dear Court. All of us of that certain age could relate to your experience. It is the way of things that makes us feel inadequate to navigate the many systems we must deal with. I have no shame in how I handle some situations. I start by telling the voice at the end of the line to think of me as their grandmother and treat me as such. Sometimes this helps and sometimes not so much. I tell them to go slow and speak distinctly.
I love that picture of you and Ron.
What a good strategy, Pammy. I love that.
Oh Courtney- sigh. It’s good that you can help your mom - and still enjoy time with your dad.
Sharing these experiences is powerful - for many reasons. (Awareness, compassion, lobbying businesses and governments)
OUCH. I have murdered many pillows over the last years, Courtney - a direct correlation with the frustrations you've explained. Back in 2015 I spent months and month deciphering dad's codes for passwords in his little book and getting an excel-like index of the different, incomings bills etc etc...VERY luckily for us this was just before things got really bad.
Age UK have highlighted how the Internet has become a barrier. It may be seen as a basic need these days, but this means it's also excluding people - https://www.ageuk.org.uk/our-impact/campaigning/offline-overlooked/
Thank you or sharing your experience so that we can all be seen.
My motto these days is never assume, copy in triplicate, save in PDF, ask for names, for specific notes to be put on the customer record, and never assume things get communicated. Unfortunately, this applies to hospital and GP practice communications AND financial organisations!! I learnt many lessons.
Beautiful--thank you. I am navigating cleaning out my parents house with my Mom who has dementia after losing my Dad 6 years ago to dementia. You have perfectly described the whole emotional range of this process. It is such a range of unspeakable joy and gut wrenching pain. Thank you for helping me feel less alone.
With you all the way.
Can I now wipe the tears of understanding this scenario?....been there and it just punches you like you described. Love Love ...and more love. Mary
Love you.
Courtney - not sure if you remember me, but I had the great privilege of supporting your dad when he was that bankruptcy attorney. I’m so sorry for all that you’re dealing with. The way you describe who he was and who he is now tears at my heart. He is such an amazing person. I’m sending love and hugs to you and your mom. Give her a big hug for me.
Karen! Of course I remember you. You know my dad's heart as well as any of us. Thanks so much for reading and commenting.
I’m so glad to be remembered, and yes, what a good heart it is. ❤️
This is so stunningly beautiful, Courtney.
Yes to the whacks in the gut, to the cruelty of systems—yes to all of it.
Oof. Heartbreakingly familiar. Last week I was on the phone with a nurse about getting a handicapped placard for when we take our dad anywhere. She politely explained that there didn't seem to be any diagnosis that would qualify for a need for this. Apparently being 92, slow, and easily out-of-breath isn't enough. And then, once we jumped through all the hoops to convince the nurse to talk to the doctor to get this approved, they sent a form that the local DMV refused to honor because it hasn't been used since 2018. After dragging our dad to the DMV (because he must show up in person), the DMV clerk handed us the current form - which looks eerily similar to the 2018 form - and said we would have to go back to the doctor to have the whole thing re-filled out and signed. God-forbid they staple the forms together and call it a day! Sigh!
URGHGHKGHGHGGHHGHGH. This makes me so mad with you. Sending love.