Fantastic affirmation of “Only connect…” I just ordered Start With Hello and donated to Shannon’s Clubhouse. Can’t wait to read her inspirational book! DD
Oh, two of my faves in conversation--how rad. I'm feeling the pull to post-pandemic neighborliness again, even as my introvertism feels WHITE HOT at the moment. Sometimes just leaving my house, looking around, a wordless wave, feels like enough for a day. Love the reminder that love is in the micro-moves.
I'm so grateful for this very thought provoking post...especially the part about the silverware drawer! I had conflicting responses: on the one hand, a big YES! because I want connection...and then a giant fear filled NO! because I am so protective of our privacy and the idea of people dropping by is very scary. So I get to contemplate this...
I have to love this connection to one of my favorite places, Goshen, IN, where our family lived for 28 years. Shannon, I have your book on my TBR pile (after seeing Marshall King reading it. I love this conversation and what I have read about Shannon. I spoke at our local school board meeting and hope to find several nodes like this one to practice neighborliness. BTW, I love the photo and the Mr. Rogers mug by Goshen College alumnus Justin Roth Shenk. So many people are making right heart connections. We need many more. May this message spread far and wide.
Yes, that subheading really grabbed me. It's sometimes so hard to discern the engine that is driving the heart, even when the output is undeniably beneficial. Is it guilt/fear/obligation? Even when we're (I'm) doing good work in the community non-performatively, I often wonder why I'm doing it, even when I'm exhausted. Trying to pull that apart has been interesting and challenging. And yes, I want so badly for people to just come over, hang out, and know where the forks are without making everything perfect first. I *want* that, but I always end up trying to make it perfect first, anyway. That is so deeply ingrained, to not do that feels like walking around with my underwear outside of my pants. Inconceivable. We host a lot, and I love it, but I long for that casual, smoky-hair vibe so beautifully articulated here. Sadly, our (new-ish) neighborhood is full of older retirees and families with kids 10 years younger than ours, so it just doesn't seem to be clicking in. Sigh.
"I *want* that, but I always end up trying to make it perfect first, anyway." I think so many people relate to this cognitive dissonance. How do we get ourselves over the hurdle?
I'm so glad you asked, because it forces me to think beyond my observation. How, indeed? I have long been a self-proclaimed proponent of the "crappy dinner party," but have I ever hosted one? No. The conditioning runs super deep. I think maybe one way of getting over the hurdle is to really examine the whole complex process at a very granular level, because there are so many tributaries that feed the river. Like: not planning is great, but isn't it so nice to have nice food to gather around? I'm conflicted. Not cleaning perfectly is a relief, but isn't it always so much nicer to be in a perfectly clear, clutter-free space? I feel that way even when nobody is coming over. I relax better. So how, exactly, to put the "crappy" into the "crappy dinner party" in a way that feels like a relief rather than an over-correction?
On the other hand (the black hole of conditioning), I know there's a huge background of shame/guilt over an "imperfect" house that is part of the reason I relax better when it's clean. It's not so much an objective situation as it is (at least partially) a "see, you're a good person" feeling that accompanies clutter-free cleanliness. So the situation is fundamentally polluted, which requires remediation, which is (I think) what would get at least one leg partially over that hurdle.
I resonate with this part of the interview so much: "As we pay closer attention to our communities, we find ourselves caring more deeply. We come to care for each other by name, which can lead to both joy and pain. It can get complicated and messy." I gotta say that some days I wonder why I actively maintain a diverse group of friends, both racially and socio-economically. There are many problems I am shielded from by my whiteness, by my financial situation, by being cis gender. There are days I wonder why, since my own life has held quite a bit of pain in recent years, I am also holding the sadness and fear and brokenness of my society by, for instance, asking my Asian-American friends about racially motivated violence, listening to my close friend and neighbor tell me about her fears for her daughter's survival since she can't pay for much needed mental health treatment, by acknowledging that exposure to environmental hazards, poverty and poor health care in his home country likely shortened by father-in-law's life. I must say that the benefits of diverse communities are many and seeing life as it is for people different than myself has increased my empathy. But, it means that my life feels more complicated. I have more uncomfortable self-realizations and conversations with others than I might otherwise. I must admit that some days it sure feels like too much. Other days it feels like just the right thing to be doing.
I love this post. I try to have my house/family be in relationship with our neighbors in similar ways and it has enhanced my life exponentially. My neighbors growing up provided respite from a difficult family situation and I take my responsibility as a "neighbor" extremely seriously. All neighborhood children know my front yard is their playground any time. I have weekly bbqs with neighbors that are better characterized as "communal dinners", bring what you have in your fridge and we'll figure it out. At times, I feel like my friends and neighbors are literally hosting bbqs at my house and inviting me. And everyone comes as they are. It is not rare to hear, "I am in a shit mood. I just need to sit here and not say anything." And then the rest of us just leave space for them and continue hang and talk and see what comes up in our lives from the past week that we want to share. Beautiful feeling of community.
Fantastic affirmation of “Only connect…” I just ordered Start With Hello and donated to Shannon’s Clubhouse. Can’t wait to read her inspirational book! DD
Oh, two of my faves in conversation--how rad. I'm feeling the pull to post-pandemic neighborliness again, even as my introvertism feels WHITE HOT at the moment. Sometimes just leaving my house, looking around, a wordless wave, feels like enough for a day. Love the reminder that love is in the micro-moves.
I'm so grateful for this very thought provoking post...especially the part about the silverware drawer! I had conflicting responses: on the one hand, a big YES! because I want connection...and then a giant fear filled NO! because I am so protective of our privacy and the idea of people dropping by is very scary. So I get to contemplate this...
I have to love this connection to one of my favorite places, Goshen, IN, where our family lived for 28 years. Shannon, I have your book on my TBR pile (after seeing Marshall King reading it. I love this conversation and what I have read about Shannon. I spoke at our local school board meeting and hope to find several nodes like this one to practice neighborliness. BTW, I love the photo and the Mr. Rogers mug by Goshen College alumnus Justin Roth Shenk. So many people are making right heart connections. We need many more. May this message spread far and wide.
Yes, that subheading really grabbed me. It's sometimes so hard to discern the engine that is driving the heart, even when the output is undeniably beneficial. Is it guilt/fear/obligation? Even when we're (I'm) doing good work in the community non-performatively, I often wonder why I'm doing it, even when I'm exhausted. Trying to pull that apart has been interesting and challenging. And yes, I want so badly for people to just come over, hang out, and know where the forks are without making everything perfect first. I *want* that, but I always end up trying to make it perfect first, anyway. That is so deeply ingrained, to not do that feels like walking around with my underwear outside of my pants. Inconceivable. We host a lot, and I love it, but I long for that casual, smoky-hair vibe so beautifully articulated here. Sadly, our (new-ish) neighborhood is full of older retirees and families with kids 10 years younger than ours, so it just doesn't seem to be clicking in. Sigh.
"I *want* that, but I always end up trying to make it perfect first, anyway." I think so many people relate to this cognitive dissonance. How do we get ourselves over the hurdle?
I'm so glad you asked, because it forces me to think beyond my observation. How, indeed? I have long been a self-proclaimed proponent of the "crappy dinner party," but have I ever hosted one? No. The conditioning runs super deep. I think maybe one way of getting over the hurdle is to really examine the whole complex process at a very granular level, because there are so many tributaries that feed the river. Like: not planning is great, but isn't it so nice to have nice food to gather around? I'm conflicted. Not cleaning perfectly is a relief, but isn't it always so much nicer to be in a perfectly clear, clutter-free space? I feel that way even when nobody is coming over. I relax better. So how, exactly, to put the "crappy" into the "crappy dinner party" in a way that feels like a relief rather than an over-correction?
On the other hand (the black hole of conditioning), I know there's a huge background of shame/guilt over an "imperfect" house that is part of the reason I relax better when it's clean. It's not so much an objective situation as it is (at least partially) a "see, you're a good person" feeling that accompanies clutter-free cleanliness. So the situation is fundamentally polluted, which requires remediation, which is (I think) what would get at least one leg partially over that hurdle.
Love your talk about connection. Moment by moment. Thank you :).
I resonate with this part of the interview so much: "As we pay closer attention to our communities, we find ourselves caring more deeply. We come to care for each other by name, which can lead to both joy and pain. It can get complicated and messy." I gotta say that some days I wonder why I actively maintain a diverse group of friends, both racially and socio-economically. There are many problems I am shielded from by my whiteness, by my financial situation, by being cis gender. There are days I wonder why, since my own life has held quite a bit of pain in recent years, I am also holding the sadness and fear and brokenness of my society by, for instance, asking my Asian-American friends about racially motivated violence, listening to my close friend and neighbor tell me about her fears for her daughter's survival since she can't pay for much needed mental health treatment, by acknowledging that exposure to environmental hazards, poverty and poor health care in his home country likely shortened by father-in-law's life. I must say that the benefits of diverse communities are many and seeing life as it is for people different than myself has increased my empathy. But, it means that my life feels more complicated. I have more uncomfortable self-realizations and conversations with others than I might otherwise. I must admit that some days it sure feels like too much. Other days it feels like just the right thing to be doing.
I love this post. I try to have my house/family be in relationship with our neighbors in similar ways and it has enhanced my life exponentially. My neighbors growing up provided respite from a difficult family situation and I take my responsibility as a "neighbor" extremely seriously. All neighborhood children know my front yard is their playground any time. I have weekly bbqs with neighbors that are better characterized as "communal dinners", bring what you have in your fridge and we'll figure it out. At times, I feel like my friends and neighbors are literally hosting bbqs at my house and inviting me. And everyone comes as they are. It is not rare to hear, "I am in a shit mood. I just need to sit here and not say anything." And then the rest of us just leave space for them and continue hang and talk and see what comes up in our lives from the past week that we want to share. Beautiful feeling of community.