If I am understanding correctly what you write here, what might help create an environment for such liberation is creating a culture around ourselves of forgiveness for error and imperfection.
We can start by becoming forgiving ourselves in place of holding grudges, or labeling, or making it hard for others to come out from under their missteps.
If we can forgive each other, maybe it will become easier to blame ourselves less and forgive ourselves more for well-meaning missteps.
One thing that really makes people tiptoe and avoid rather than entering any messy or ambiguous arena is the experience of having made an innocent error and feeling like it was never forgiven.
Learning to apologize sincerely and meaningfully when we accidentally hurt others is another piece of the work.
I resonate with your comment. The primacy of being good (as I've been taught it) comes with a fear of messing up, of stepping outside the well-worn path. Social control and lack of forgiveness surrounds the "goodness" model.
Perfect timing, Courtney. Several moons ago, I thanked you for one of your posts. Today, I thank you again.
I love Mary Oliver’s poetry, yet had not really assimilated the lines in Wild Geese that spoke of not having to be good and so on , nor pondered what those meant to me. The concept you raise of liberation and how it feels compared to trying to be good, and your thoughts on what liberation might mean in all its messiness and flux, resonated deeply in my soul just now. Your words will help me as I go forward into my 70 s (70 plus 2 days today) and do what I can to continue to liberate myself , and, in so doing, be better able to support my beloved husband, adult children and grandchildren in their journeys. And, perhaps, learn how to help our family to be together in loving, liberated ways.
I wish you love and liberation in your own life. Thank you for all you do to share your personal learning with others
This is fantastic. I crave moral coherence too. Sometimes liberation feels like you're burning because you are — you're setting things on fire, deeply held beliefs, ways of being in relationship to others and yourself. But the process of getting free can be painful. And non linear.
This is a really good essay that makes me feel it dee[ in my bones. I turned 60 this year and I feel that I have been sleepwalking. I realize that I have lived and molded my life in the shape of a good girl. As the shell is cracking, I see liberation in the distance too. I hope that I can have the courage to keep reaching out of that "good" shell and liberate my one wild and precious soul.
I was raised in a religious home. Goodness and the desire for moral cohesion still operate strongly within me. I am old to goodness, new to liberation. I'll need to read this essay over a few times. The sticking point for me is selfishness vs. sacrifice. Do they fit neatly in those categories?
I'm very happy that you're struggling with this - and challenging conventional ideas of how we live our lives. There are too too many false expectations and beliefs about what makes a good life, and how we should live it.
I think it IS connected to forgiveness, as well as acceptance of ourselves. We're human! No perfection possible :)
I'm reminded of the truths that emerged during lockdown: happiness to related to loving personal relationships and the privilege of spending time outdoors. Love is always the answer.
We're getting there - your missives remind us of these important truths. I appreciate this forum to hear others and discuss the important issues.
Thank you for writing this excellent piece and for sharing it. I’m squinting too and you’ve helped me see a path to at least partial liberation a bit more clearly. Love your writing Courtney!
Damn, this really got me. I keep pulling at the threads of perfectionism, trying to unravel that insidious patriarchy that resides within. Liberation is the antidote.
I think that liberation feels like the moments I go to teach or guide someone, and then ask myself, "What would I say if I were also celebrating and unpacking the loveliness in the opposite thing? I find these beautiful peaceful moments and blossomings in exploring envy and resentment, ungroundedness and opening to pain. They each are rather extraordinary in themselves and the invitations they bring. I will always invite and teach their opposites, but the judgement of the space between both ends naturally lessens, and lessens, and lessens... The humor and humility on the other side keeps beckoning further adventures.
I read this sentence a few times: "I find these beautiful peaceful moments and blossomings in exploring envy and resentment, ungroundedness and opening to pain." I love the idea of looking at some of these deeper, more gut emotions that aren't covered up with all the "good person" judgment.
This is really hitting for me today, and almost from the other direction. I have struggled against the chokehold of "being good" as the child of immigrants, since it is seen as the only way to survive and thrive in America, and has led to lots of secrecy, shame and harm when I don't try and reach Model Minority ideas of goodness and achievement, and only now in middle age do I see liberation as a way to free myself from these chains, even though it can feel how you put it -- burning and difficult. I am puzzling through ideas of moral coherence as a parent when raising young children to question our broken justice system -- constantly troubling who a "bad guy" is in their games of good guys vs. bad guys; asking if I would be a bad guy if I didn't have the resources to provide the family with food and stole something to do so -- but also, obviously, teaching them that stealing something that is not yours and that you do not need is wrong. Thank you!
If I am understanding correctly what you write here, what might help create an environment for such liberation is creating a culture around ourselves of forgiveness for error and imperfection.
We can start by becoming forgiving ourselves in place of holding grudges, or labeling, or making it hard for others to come out from under their missteps.
If we can forgive each other, maybe it will become easier to blame ourselves less and forgive ourselves more for well-meaning missteps.
One thing that really makes people tiptoe and avoid rather than entering any messy or ambiguous arena is the experience of having made an innocent error and feeling like it was never forgiven.
Learning to apologize sincerely and meaningfully when we accidentally hurt others is another piece of the work.
I resonate with your comment. The primacy of being good (as I've been taught it) comes with a fear of messing up, of stepping outside the well-worn path. Social control and lack of forgiveness surrounds the "goodness" model.
Interesting point, Fritzie. I hadn't thought of the role of apology in all this.
Perfect timing, Courtney. Several moons ago, I thanked you for one of your posts. Today, I thank you again.
I love Mary Oliver’s poetry, yet had not really assimilated the lines in Wild Geese that spoke of not having to be good and so on , nor pondered what those meant to me. The concept you raise of liberation and how it feels compared to trying to be good, and your thoughts on what liberation might mean in all its messiness and flux, resonated deeply in my soul just now. Your words will help me as I go forward into my 70 s (70 plus 2 days today) and do what I can to continue to liberate myself , and, in so doing, be better able to support my beloved husband, adult children and grandchildren in their journeys. And, perhaps, learn how to help our family to be together in loving, liberated ways.
I wish you love and liberation in your own life. Thank you for all you do to share your personal learning with others
I love that. A new decade. A time for feeling your way into liberation with your people. Happy belated!
This is fantastic. I crave moral coherence too. Sometimes liberation feels like you're burning because you are — you're setting things on fire, deeply held beliefs, ways of being in relationship to others and yourself. But the process of getting free can be painful. And non linear.
Yes, such a great point. In liberation there is sometimes an undertone of loss. Loss of control. Loss of coherence. Loss of a clear path.
This is a really good essay that makes me feel it dee[ in my bones. I turned 60 this year and I feel that I have been sleepwalking. I realize that I have lived and molded my life in the shape of a good girl. As the shell is cracking, I see liberation in the distance too. I hope that I can have the courage to keep reaching out of that "good" shell and liberate my one wild and precious soul.
YES! It's never too late.
I was raised in a religious home. Goodness and the desire for moral cohesion still operate strongly within me. I am old to goodness, new to liberation. I'll need to read this essay over a few times. The sticking point for me is selfishness vs. sacrifice. Do they fit neatly in those categories?
YES! Selfishness/sacrifice are totally a good dynamic rather than a liberation one. Such a good point.
A wise friend recently told me she wants to give “more offerings, fewer sacrifices.” That sounds to me like liberation over being good.
The beauty - and frustration - of this world is that nothing fits neatly into categories.
I read almost everything you write and this is truly genius. The best ever. Liberation from what enslaves us. Thank you for these words.
Well that's the kindest. Thank you, Joy.
I'm very happy that you're struggling with this - and challenging conventional ideas of how we live our lives. There are too too many false expectations and beliefs about what makes a good life, and how we should live it.
I think it IS connected to forgiveness, as well as acceptance of ourselves. We're human! No perfection possible :)
I'm reminded of the truths that emerged during lockdown: happiness to related to loving personal relationships and the privilege of spending time outdoors. Love is always the answer.
We're getting there - your missives remind us of these important truths. I appreciate this forum to hear others and discuss the important issues.
Continue to be brave, and search.
Thank you for writing this excellent piece and for sharing it. I’m squinting too and you’ve helped me see a path to at least partial liberation a bit more clearly. Love your writing Courtney!
Thank you Debra!
Absolutely loved this, thank you so much - lately i am seeing Wild Geese everywhere and try to internalize the message as early in life as i can :]
Damn, this really got me. I keep pulling at the threads of perfectionism, trying to unravel that insidious patriarchy that resides within. Liberation is the antidote.
I think that liberation feels like the moments I go to teach or guide someone, and then ask myself, "What would I say if I were also celebrating and unpacking the loveliness in the opposite thing? I find these beautiful peaceful moments and blossomings in exploring envy and resentment, ungroundedness and opening to pain. They each are rather extraordinary in themselves and the invitations they bring. I will always invite and teach their opposites, but the judgement of the space between both ends naturally lessens, and lessens, and lessens... The humor and humility on the other side keeps beckoning further adventures.
I read this sentence a few times: "I find these beautiful peaceful moments and blossomings in exploring envy and resentment, ungroundedness and opening to pain." I love the idea of looking at some of these deeper, more gut emotions that aren't covered up with all the "good person" judgment.
'I read this sentence a few times' feels warm like a compliment. Thanks for that!
It is! I love your fresh language and understanding.
This has been such a good year for unpacking and taking off layers and armor, inside and out.
Loved hearing your conversation on the Chris Hayes podcast!
Let’s liberate ourselves, our kids and our nation from white supremacy and learn to depend on each other.
Yes, please. Thanks for listening.
Never heard of you, never read your work. But bloody hell, I feel all of this in my bones.
How wonderful. Thank you for sharing this.
Amazing.
This is really hitting for me today, and almost from the other direction. I have struggled against the chokehold of "being good" as the child of immigrants, since it is seen as the only way to survive and thrive in America, and has led to lots of secrecy, shame and harm when I don't try and reach Model Minority ideas of goodness and achievement, and only now in middle age do I see liberation as a way to free myself from these chains, even though it can feel how you put it -- burning and difficult. I am puzzling through ideas of moral coherence as a parent when raising young children to question our broken justice system -- constantly troubling who a "bad guy" is in their games of good guys vs. bad guys; asking if I would be a bad guy if I didn't have the resources to provide the family with food and stole something to do so -- but also, obviously, teaching them that stealing something that is not yours and that you do not need is wrong. Thank you!