I love this reflection on community, Courtney -- and esp the photo of the kids self-organizing. My best community experience was back in 1996 when I joined a startup chapter of a national organization then called F.E.M.A.L.E., Formerly Employed Mothers at the Leading Edge--or Loose Ends. It was based on a book called Sequencing, with the idea that we could do it all as women, just not all at once, and as the title said, we were mostly career women new to being stay-at-home moms and also mostly all transplants in a new suburb of Denver in the tech boom years. Within a few months we had self-organized into subgroups from gourmet dinner clubs, playgroups, investment group, newsletter committee, and care group, and more. We had monthly meetings with guest speakers. The main rule was no politics, which feels so ironic in today's world. Within a year we were in the thick of supporting each other through cancers and infertility and tough pregnancies, and all the rest of human stuff. And more than 25 years later these are still the women I consider indispensable for my heart. We weren't very heterogeneous in terms of skin color or socioeconomics but we came together from all over the US. Did we thrive because we were similar, or starved for a place to see ourselves as whole and more than moms, or that we committed to each other on a regular basis. I don't know but I'm so grateful for the season of support and the ongoing connection.
I live in a small town that seems like the best place in the world to me because of the sense of community. It is a town where volunteers keep the animal rescue kennel, the recycling center, hospice, library extended hours (volunteers work the circulation desk so we can be open until 7pm four nights a week), fire department, cemetery and special events alive. People here want to live in a good place and they know they have to step up to make that happen. When disaster struck two years ago good folks took care of each other and helped in recovery. BUT we can be mean to each other and sometimes downright hateful. I cry to think that. People run for public office with good intentions and resign because they can't take the hate they give. At times, when all seems too hard, it always helps to gather again with friends and reaffirm and advocate for the values we live by. I wish it wasn't so messy and hard.
I love this Deborah! It is certainly my fantasy of small town life. But I do recognize that the intimacy of that comes with all the same struggles you find in any context with close and long ties.
Thanks for writing this, Courtney. It is helpful as someone who is not very experienced at facilitating or participating in community to know that if there is acrimony or even frustration, that doesn't mean we're doing it wrong... I am white and I live in a majority white suburban neighborhood, and there is such an overemphasis on niceness. On being nice, or on things being nice. I think that there is a fragility underneath that, and that when people actually start to get to know each other they only know how to get very angry and walk away when they disagree. There's not a lot of flexibility there. I also think that a lot of parents of younger kids are just beaten down by the past few years and as soon as community gets complicated, sometimes our instinct is to withdraw.
I would say a community I was a part of for a short time that worked well was Stroller Strides, which was a meetup in the park for mothers with stroller-size kids. They met up six days a week, and just being able to see other mothers that regularly really helped me, especially when my first baby was very small (less than six months).
Maggie - YES! Too often we (especially White folks who grow up in families that avoid conflict) see disagreement as a "bad" sign when really it can be a signal of health! Only communities that trust one another on some fundamental level have the stamina to admit when something is wrong and move through. I've learned over the years that the absence of conflict can actually be the "bad" sign.
Thanks, Fritzie, for the reminder that sometimes classrooms work well and they are, indeed, a community.
I have a question - naive, no doubt - but if some organizations work successfully because profit is the clearly stated goal, couldn't other communities work if there's a clearly stated, and articulated (over and over again :) goal?
YES! Great question, not naive at all Terry. Our cohousing community is formed around the idea of "racial hospitality" which has helped me, and us, no many occasions navigate through a tough spot.
In the early aughts -- and a few times since then -- working on anti-racism in religious and other communities ... it wasn’t harmonious but it was community because we talked about power, power asymmetries, and built shared values and commitments and language.
Powerful, thanks for sharing. Do you think the religious foundational helped keep these communities brave and together? Sounds like hard work you all were doing.
The faith foundation both helped and hurt, as lots of folks have learned. Helps: values drivers, comfort for emotional pain, and norm of a need for transformation. Hurts: “but wait, we are the good guys, how can we have gotten so much so wrong?” and the need for sameness-based safety/false intimacy, pseudo/community. For years, anti-racism WAS my spiritual discipline … now AR is still my path even though Christianity isn’t.
I've been around a few different communities throughout my life. The Bruderhof (legit, actual commune) , summer camp staff, Common Ground Relief in New Orleans... they all had good and bad and cartoonishly horrible. Most harmonious, strangely, was just being homeless in my 20s. The simplicity... no kids, no bills, no schedules. Just scrounging food, finding a few bucks for beer, temporary shelter. Far from perfect, but folks looked out for each other in a way I havnt really seen other places.
"Far from perfect, but folks looked out for each other in a way I havnt really seen other places." Tell us more Rachel! In what ways did you all look out for each other? What do you attribute to the harmoniousness of it?
Thanks for asking Courtney! In that sub-culture theres a completely unspoken code that everyone shares everything they have. Maybe it was because we had so very little, but noone would keep even a dollar to themself. Like if there was half a bottle of booze it got passed around, if there was 2 bites of a sandwich it was shared gladly. I was a train-hopper so idk if I can say much about other types of being homeless. But when your in that other dimension of being severed from society in that way... like you come to a new city and other tramps they see you and they know what your doing and it's someone you never seen before in your life and they chase you down and are like "hey! We got a safe camp spot, we got food, come with us!"
Years in churches but I never seen anything like that.
I don't wanna glamorize it because yeah there's darkness, oppression, violence, addiction. The life expectancy isn't great, I'm glad I was able to get out. But I saw things most people will never see. And I know you can go to the most god-forsaken place and God will be there.
One set of communities of which I was a part over many years was classrooms of kids. It isn't quite non-hierarchical, because a teacher sets the tone and there is a non-negotiable place and time, but outside of that, it is. One can almost always achieve a thriving, bubbly, community among children, because feeling part of an adventure with others is so compelling to the young.
I have been part of school communities also in the manner you are now, with all the messiness, hard work, and best intentions you describe.
Most people my age have been in so many that seemed to work easily- small college dorms and coops, grad school cohort, volunteer corps... team on a project at work... And then I have been involved in valiant efforts that have pretty much been destroyed by a small number of 'trolly' people whose behavior ultimately led to the attrition of participants who might have made it work.
Thank you for this post. I spend a great deal of my time and mental energy thinking about community - building, maintaining amidst transition, expanding in order to be more inclusive. I can think of two specific seasons in my life when I have experienced functional, interdependent community. The first was while studying abroad. We were a group of California college students, all from different UC schools, all placed at a UK university where we knew no one. We formed relationships with our British and European flatmates and joined clubs at the university, but where we really found support was in one another - sharing information as we acquired it, celebrating one anothers' birthdays/successes, feeding one another, running errands for one another, caring for one another when we were sick or dealing with the other hard knocks of life, which take on a particular sting when you're far from everything familiar and safe. At the time, I considered it "reciprocity" - and I noticed it acutely and wanted to keep it. We didn't keep it when we returned, sadly. Reflecting back (twenty years later) on why and how we thrived, I think we needed one another, there was the dopamine rush of intensely getting to know one another very quickly, we truly appreciated and trusted one another, and I also think that there was more room for difference (we were an ethnically and socioeconomically diverse group) because our community existed in a strange vacuum - remote from our regular/previous lives. My second season is ongoing and greatly sustaining: I have a pack of White, cis female, straight, married, left-leaning, mom friends and we are everything to one another. We all live in the Twin Cities, but are relatively spread out (some in Minneapolis proper, others in suburbs). We thrive because of regular communication (Marco Polo, text, in person), unwavering investment in the group-as-a-whole and one another individually, and not taking our community for granted. I think we all know how lucky we are, so we tend the garden. I'm noticing how earlier season was more heterogeneous, but we were drawn to one another because of our commonality (being Californians abroad). Whereas in this season's community, we are all really similar on paper, though our quirks and differences have become more revealed (and more valued!) due to the depth of our relationships. I am going to keep thinking about this for a while - thank you again!
This is a great reflection, thank you! I also had a super close knit crew during study abroad, so know exactly the bonds you're talking about--fast and furious and deep.
Courtney’s marvelous narratives always inspire a lot of ideas, and today’s had me from the start with its mention of Harmony, CA. Because this recalls the example of a famous experiment in community by Robert Owen. He founded New Harmony, Indiana in 1825, dedicated to socialist ideals of equality. Unfortunately, it lasted only 2 years and although the town today encourages visitors interested in its history, we tend to judge it as a failed “utopian” experiment, supposedly because of a lack of religious spirit and practice.
I still recommend a study or even family visit to New Harmony in southern Indiana on the Wabash river for those like us who want to examine the roots of such ideals in America. I’ve seen Courtney’s and can testify first hand to its success, so thanks for this view of it!
Until I moved to Palo Alto in late 2013, I felt part of multiple functional, interdependent communities. Over 12 years in Manhattan, I was part of a community that grew around our yoga teacher; a wonderful book club; grad school mates and first job mates; and an urban family which was international and welcoming and genuinely supportive, the core of which was folks who worked in the hospitality industry (I didn’t, but I think that nucleus was a driver of the inclusiveness and pleasure of that community). Before that, in Minneapolis growing up, our public school community was a genuine one built over 10+ years, we were in and out of each other’s rock bands, causes and family homes, and many of us across generations are still connected (I’ll be seeing my Spanish teacher when I’m there in June; we used to make food for her when she was on bed rest). In college I lived in the co-ops, another great community; plus, a cappella. Throughout my life, my extended Indian family and the extended Indian community has been a real community. Palo Alto has been the toughest place to feel like I have true community. After 8 ½ years I still feel like I’m working on building it. At times I think, oh there’s a genuine group vibe going, and right as I think that, it seems to evaporate. Things don’t snowball the way they did in Manhattan.
I love this for you, Aarthi. So fun to imagine all of these communities you've described at different ages and stages. I'm intrigued by the word "snowball" here -- what makes certain ecosystems fertile ground for communities to spring up and nourish people and others hard ground for that? I wonder...
Hi Su! These are all the chapters: https://integratedschools.org/chapters/. We talk a lot about Oakland at ours, so might not be super relevant to you, but maybe you could start one in your region?
Church communities have been part of my life forever, as have neighbors. Many other short term communities on retreats, with athletic teams... We once lived in an intentional community that hosted and ran a retreat center.
Yes, the pace of community can be excruciating. We have long appreciate Parker Palmer’s final rule of community- ‘there will always be someone who drives you crazy’ - and it’s corollary -‘when that person leaves someone else will take their place.’ Knowing that has gotten us through many otherwise difficult moments.
I wonder, and sometimes worry, that pandemic life and our isolation has caused us to lose our muscle memory for communal life.
This theme of Community has sure inspired some exciting dialogue! I wonder if anyone has stayed on Buddhist settlements outside the U.S. such as Thich Nhat Hanh's Plum Village in France, or ashrams established by Gandhi in India? There are lots of such experiments happening around the world and worth visiting, as I'm sure some of Courtney's readers must know. DD
In college, I lived in a co-op in Berkeley. I know exactly what you mean about the messiness and glory of community. I learned so much about myself during those years. And one of my best friends today (over 35 years later) was my roommate. It was an amazing time.
In my 30s I worked for the local food co-op, mostly in a management role, and the thing that struck me continually was how little experience anyone had there about how to actually function collectively. Especially, the amount of self-reflection and work on self that is required to deprogram yourself from all of the hierarchical, individualistic nonsense that we're taught in mainstream American culture. I thought I was better at it because I grew up as a Quaker. My running joke was that my whole life has been run by committee.
Then I actually joined my local Quaker Meeting as an adult and, boy howdy, did I get a humbling. Because for all of their supposed collectivity, Quakers are not always any better at self-reflection and tempering their egos than anyone else, and that includes me.
I will say, though, that the deepest, most successful and joyful experience of community I've ever had was at Quaker camp from the time that I was 9 until I was 22. The time when I was on staff, through high school and college, was particularly rich. I think, in part, it was because we both played (so much silliness! so much laughter!) and worked together (so many chores!) 24/7. There was a clear ethic that we were all in it together. That everyone was invested. That everyone was needed, and that everyone was valuable for the particular gifts that they brought to the table. Because it was an explicitly religious community there was also a real valuing of the presence of Spirit, and an encouragement for everyone to be reflective about how community was built with Spirit informing the conversation. I've never experienced a secular community as rich as that, ever. And listening to 10-year old boys talk spontaneously about their Inner Light and how we add all of our small lights together to push back the darkness? That just brought me to tears every damn time.
BOY HOWDY summer camp is where it's at, right? I have heard so many incredible stories of camp communities, and experienced them myself. I love this reflection.
Love this! So many wonderful communities I’ve been a part of come to mind — my soccer teams in K-12 where we learned how to work together for a common good in our different roles; the Barnard Organization of Soul and Solidarity where I was able to feel less alone with Black women and Black people in my PWI; my cohort from my teacher credential program where we dually complained about how hard teaching is and swooned about how we love it; the roommate configurations I’ve been a part of since moving to Oakland that start of random and end up being life-giving <3
I think these communities thrived because we all felt like we needed each other and as you so beautifully pointed out, there was no space for ego which is in many ways the opposite of community. I think (and worry) about the decline of community spaces (shoutout Bowling Alone x Robert Putman) and I’m thankful of your examples of all the avenues one can find to create and convene in space with others 💕
I love this reflection on community, Courtney -- and esp the photo of the kids self-organizing. My best community experience was back in 1996 when I joined a startup chapter of a national organization then called F.E.M.A.L.E., Formerly Employed Mothers at the Leading Edge--or Loose Ends. It was based on a book called Sequencing, with the idea that we could do it all as women, just not all at once, and as the title said, we were mostly career women new to being stay-at-home moms and also mostly all transplants in a new suburb of Denver in the tech boom years. Within a few months we had self-organized into subgroups from gourmet dinner clubs, playgroups, investment group, newsletter committee, and care group, and more. We had monthly meetings with guest speakers. The main rule was no politics, which feels so ironic in today's world. Within a year we were in the thick of supporting each other through cancers and infertility and tough pregnancies, and all the rest of human stuff. And more than 25 years later these are still the women I consider indispensable for my heart. We weren't very heterogeneous in terms of skin color or socioeconomics but we came together from all over the US. Did we thrive because we were similar, or starved for a place to see ourselves as whole and more than moms, or that we committed to each other on a regular basis. I don't know but I'm so grateful for the season of support and the ongoing connection.
What a cool story! I wonder how many communities are nourished and made lasting by seeing one another "as whole" as you say. That's a key insight.
I live in a small town that seems like the best place in the world to me because of the sense of community. It is a town where volunteers keep the animal rescue kennel, the recycling center, hospice, library extended hours (volunteers work the circulation desk so we can be open until 7pm four nights a week), fire department, cemetery and special events alive. People here want to live in a good place and they know they have to step up to make that happen. When disaster struck two years ago good folks took care of each other and helped in recovery. BUT we can be mean to each other and sometimes downright hateful. I cry to think that. People run for public office with good intentions and resign because they can't take the hate they give. At times, when all seems too hard, it always helps to gather again with friends and reaffirm and advocate for the values we live by. I wish it wasn't so messy and hard.
I love this Deborah! It is certainly my fantasy of small town life. But I do recognize that the intimacy of that comes with all the same struggles you find in any context with close and long ties.
Thanks for writing this, Courtney. It is helpful as someone who is not very experienced at facilitating or participating in community to know that if there is acrimony or even frustration, that doesn't mean we're doing it wrong... I am white and I live in a majority white suburban neighborhood, and there is such an overemphasis on niceness. On being nice, or on things being nice. I think that there is a fragility underneath that, and that when people actually start to get to know each other they only know how to get very angry and walk away when they disagree. There's not a lot of flexibility there. I also think that a lot of parents of younger kids are just beaten down by the past few years and as soon as community gets complicated, sometimes our instinct is to withdraw.
I would say a community I was a part of for a short time that worked well was Stroller Strides, which was a meetup in the park for mothers with stroller-size kids. They met up six days a week, and just being able to see other mothers that regularly really helped me, especially when my first baby was very small (less than six months).
Maggie - YES! Too often we (especially White folks who grow up in families that avoid conflict) see disagreement as a "bad" sign when really it can be a signal of health! Only communities that trust one another on some fundamental level have the stamina to admit when something is wrong and move through. I've learned over the years that the absence of conflict can actually be the "bad" sign.
Sort of like when a couple says, "We never fight." Often raises a red flag. ;)
Thanks, Courtney, as always.
Thanks, Fritzie, for the reminder that sometimes classrooms work well and they are, indeed, a community.
I have a question - naive, no doubt - but if some organizations work successfully because profit is the clearly stated goal, couldn't other communities work if there's a clearly stated, and articulated (over and over again :) goal?
YES! Great question, not naive at all Terry. Our cohousing community is formed around the idea of "racial hospitality" which has helped me, and us, no many occasions navigate through a tough spot.
In the early aughts -- and a few times since then -- working on anti-racism in religious and other communities ... it wasn’t harmonious but it was community because we talked about power, power asymmetries, and built shared values and commitments and language.
Powerful, thanks for sharing. Do you think the religious foundational helped keep these communities brave and together? Sounds like hard work you all were doing.
The faith foundation both helped and hurt, as lots of folks have learned. Helps: values drivers, comfort for emotional pain, and norm of a need for transformation. Hurts: “but wait, we are the good guys, how can we have gotten so much so wrong?” and the need for sameness-based safety/false intimacy, pseudo/community. For years, anti-racism WAS my spiritual discipline … now AR is still my path even though Christianity isn’t.
I've been around a few different communities throughout my life. The Bruderhof (legit, actual commune) , summer camp staff, Common Ground Relief in New Orleans... they all had good and bad and cartoonishly horrible. Most harmonious, strangely, was just being homeless in my 20s. The simplicity... no kids, no bills, no schedules. Just scrounging food, finding a few bucks for beer, temporary shelter. Far from perfect, but folks looked out for each other in a way I havnt really seen other places.
"Far from perfect, but folks looked out for each other in a way I havnt really seen other places." Tell us more Rachel! In what ways did you all look out for each other? What do you attribute to the harmoniousness of it?
Thanks for asking Courtney! In that sub-culture theres a completely unspoken code that everyone shares everything they have. Maybe it was because we had so very little, but noone would keep even a dollar to themself. Like if there was half a bottle of booze it got passed around, if there was 2 bites of a sandwich it was shared gladly. I was a train-hopper so idk if I can say much about other types of being homeless. But when your in that other dimension of being severed from society in that way... like you come to a new city and other tramps they see you and they know what your doing and it's someone you never seen before in your life and they chase you down and are like "hey! We got a safe camp spot, we got food, come with us!"
Years in churches but I never seen anything like that.
I don't wanna glamorize it because yeah there's darkness, oppression, violence, addiction. The life expectancy isn't great, I'm glad I was able to get out. But I saw things most people will never see. And I know you can go to the most god-forsaken place and God will be there.
Wow, thank you so much for this. I find it really powerful and interesting.
Appreciate you sharing this experience and insight! 🙏🏼
The miniature horse!!! Thank you!
One set of communities of which I was a part over many years was classrooms of kids. It isn't quite non-hierarchical, because a teacher sets the tone and there is a non-negotiable place and time, but outside of that, it is. One can almost always achieve a thriving, bubbly, community among children, because feeling part of an adventure with others is so compelling to the young.
I have been part of school communities also in the manner you are now, with all the messiness, hard work, and best intentions you describe.
Most people my age have been in so many that seemed to work easily- small college dorms and coops, grad school cohort, volunteer corps... team on a project at work... And then I have been involved in valiant efforts that have pretty much been destroyed by a small number of 'trolly' people whose behavior ultimately led to the attrition of participants who might have made it work.
YES, nothing better than a classroom with small, weird humans. That's my experience, too, Fritzie!
Thank you for this post. I spend a great deal of my time and mental energy thinking about community - building, maintaining amidst transition, expanding in order to be more inclusive. I can think of two specific seasons in my life when I have experienced functional, interdependent community. The first was while studying abroad. We were a group of California college students, all from different UC schools, all placed at a UK university where we knew no one. We formed relationships with our British and European flatmates and joined clubs at the university, but where we really found support was in one another - sharing information as we acquired it, celebrating one anothers' birthdays/successes, feeding one another, running errands for one another, caring for one another when we were sick or dealing with the other hard knocks of life, which take on a particular sting when you're far from everything familiar and safe. At the time, I considered it "reciprocity" - and I noticed it acutely and wanted to keep it. We didn't keep it when we returned, sadly. Reflecting back (twenty years later) on why and how we thrived, I think we needed one another, there was the dopamine rush of intensely getting to know one another very quickly, we truly appreciated and trusted one another, and I also think that there was more room for difference (we were an ethnically and socioeconomically diverse group) because our community existed in a strange vacuum - remote from our regular/previous lives. My second season is ongoing and greatly sustaining: I have a pack of White, cis female, straight, married, left-leaning, mom friends and we are everything to one another. We all live in the Twin Cities, but are relatively spread out (some in Minneapolis proper, others in suburbs). We thrive because of regular communication (Marco Polo, text, in person), unwavering investment in the group-as-a-whole and one another individually, and not taking our community for granted. I think we all know how lucky we are, so we tend the garden. I'm noticing how earlier season was more heterogeneous, but we were drawn to one another because of our commonality (being Californians abroad). Whereas in this season's community, we are all really similar on paper, though our quirks and differences have become more revealed (and more valued!) due to the depth of our relationships. I am going to keep thinking about this for a while - thank you again!
This is a great reflection, thank you! I also had a super close knit crew during study abroad, so know exactly the bonds you're talking about--fast and furious and deep.
Courtney’s marvelous narratives always inspire a lot of ideas, and today’s had me from the start with its mention of Harmony, CA. Because this recalls the example of a famous experiment in community by Robert Owen. He founded New Harmony, Indiana in 1825, dedicated to socialist ideals of equality. Unfortunately, it lasted only 2 years and although the town today encourages visitors interested in its history, we tend to judge it as a failed “utopian” experiment, supposedly because of a lack of religious spirit and practice.
I still recommend a study or even family visit to New Harmony in southern Indiana on the Wabash river for those like us who want to examine the roots of such ideals in America. I’ve seen Courtney’s and can testify first hand to its success, so thanks for this view of it!
DD
Fascinating! I've never heard of this. Would love to make a trip there.
Until I moved to Palo Alto in late 2013, I felt part of multiple functional, interdependent communities. Over 12 years in Manhattan, I was part of a community that grew around our yoga teacher; a wonderful book club; grad school mates and first job mates; and an urban family which was international and welcoming and genuinely supportive, the core of which was folks who worked in the hospitality industry (I didn’t, but I think that nucleus was a driver of the inclusiveness and pleasure of that community). Before that, in Minneapolis growing up, our public school community was a genuine one built over 10+ years, we were in and out of each other’s rock bands, causes and family homes, and many of us across generations are still connected (I’ll be seeing my Spanish teacher when I’m there in June; we used to make food for her when she was on bed rest). In college I lived in the co-ops, another great community; plus, a cappella. Throughout my life, my extended Indian family and the extended Indian community has been a real community. Palo Alto has been the toughest place to feel like I have true community. After 8 ½ years I still feel like I’m working on building it. At times I think, oh there’s a genuine group vibe going, and right as I think that, it seems to evaporate. Things don’t snowball the way they did in Manhattan.
I love this for you, Aarthi. So fun to imagine all of these communities you've described at different ages and stages. I'm intrigued by the word "snowball" here -- what makes certain ecosystems fertile ground for communities to spring up and nourish people and others hard ground for that? I wonder...
Love the idea of gathering around a TJ’s potluck. I am in Dublin, CA. How can I come to the Oakland community events?
Hi Su! These are all the chapters: https://integratedschools.org/chapters/. We talk a lot about Oakland at ours, so might not be super relevant to you, but maybe you could start one in your region?
Church communities have been part of my life forever, as have neighbors. Many other short term communities on retreats, with athletic teams... We once lived in an intentional community that hosted and ran a retreat center.
Yes, the pace of community can be excruciating. We have long appreciate Parker Palmer’s final rule of community- ‘there will always be someone who drives you crazy’ - and it’s corollary -‘when that person leaves someone else will take their place.’ Knowing that has gotten us through many otherwise difficult moments.
I wonder, and sometimes worry, that pandemic life and our isolation has caused us to lose our muscle memory for communal life.
I share your pandemic-era wonder/worry, and also got a good empathizing laugh out of that Parker Palmer quote - thank you for sharing!
I have laughed, and I have cried, and yes, I have even screamed in all kinds of situations where people are being people in their own bumbling ways:)
I've never heard that PP wisdom! Love it.
This theme of Community has sure inspired some exciting dialogue! I wonder if anyone has stayed on Buddhist settlements outside the U.S. such as Thich Nhat Hanh's Plum Village in France, or ashrams established by Gandhi in India? There are lots of such experiments happening around the world and worth visiting, as I'm sure some of Courtney's readers must know. DD
I’m hoping to make it to Plum Village someday!!
In college, I lived in a co-op in Berkeley. I know exactly what you mean about the messiness and glory of community. I learned so much about myself during those years. And one of my best friends today (over 35 years later) was my roommate. It was an amazing time.
In my 30s I worked for the local food co-op, mostly in a management role, and the thing that struck me continually was how little experience anyone had there about how to actually function collectively. Especially, the amount of self-reflection and work on self that is required to deprogram yourself from all of the hierarchical, individualistic nonsense that we're taught in mainstream American culture. I thought I was better at it because I grew up as a Quaker. My running joke was that my whole life has been run by committee.
Then I actually joined my local Quaker Meeting as an adult and, boy howdy, did I get a humbling. Because for all of their supposed collectivity, Quakers are not always any better at self-reflection and tempering their egos than anyone else, and that includes me.
I will say, though, that the deepest, most successful and joyful experience of community I've ever had was at Quaker camp from the time that I was 9 until I was 22. The time when I was on staff, through high school and college, was particularly rich. I think, in part, it was because we both played (so much silliness! so much laughter!) and worked together (so many chores!) 24/7. There was a clear ethic that we were all in it together. That everyone was invested. That everyone was needed, and that everyone was valuable for the particular gifts that they brought to the table. Because it was an explicitly religious community there was also a real valuing of the presence of Spirit, and an encouragement for everyone to be reflective about how community was built with Spirit informing the conversation. I've never experienced a secular community as rich as that, ever. And listening to 10-year old boys talk spontaneously about their Inner Light and how we add all of our small lights together to push back the darkness? That just brought me to tears every damn time.
BOY HOWDY summer camp is where it's at, right? I have heard so many incredible stories of camp communities, and experienced them myself. I love this reflection.
Love this! So many wonderful communities I’ve been a part of come to mind — my soccer teams in K-12 where we learned how to work together for a common good in our different roles; the Barnard Organization of Soul and Solidarity where I was able to feel less alone with Black women and Black people in my PWI; my cohort from my teacher credential program where we dually complained about how hard teaching is and swooned about how we love it; the roommate configurations I’ve been a part of since moving to Oakland that start of random and end up being life-giving <3
I think these communities thrived because we all felt like we needed each other and as you so beautifully pointed out, there was no space for ego which is in many ways the opposite of community. I think (and worry) about the decline of community spaces (shoutout Bowling Alone x Robert Putman) and I’m thankful of your examples of all the avenues one can find to create and convene in space with others 💕