Could we add to your question, 'And what projects exist only because I do?
What I have found as a mother of three, the youngest of whom was born when I was 43, is that different constraints open different doors.
There are vital projects I probably never would have undertaken if I had not had him!
Some projects are incompatible with several children or children with extraordinary needs, some may need to be deferred, but there are others we never would have imagined that do come through, shining.
It is thrilling to realize there are so many interesting roads to travel and projects to undertake that do fit with the life choices we make. Or so I have found looking back.
This post and this comment hit me hard. I'm in a 12 week book writing program and last week didn't do any writing because my son was sick and my partner out of town. I was feeling defeated and exhausted and borderline ready to give up. But after reading both of these I sat down and wrote for an hour. It's easy to "blame" my son but I can do this and want to show him you can have a creative life.
YES! This makes me so happy. Go Arlene go! I often have to remind myself that showing my girls' how passionate and committed I am to my work (alongside and not instead of them) is not only good for me, but for them. But it's hard. And the sick kid disruption is endless, so deeply empathize with you.
When I was pregnant with my second (and last) child, someone stopped me on the beach at Lake Michigan to say how her third was her favorite baby. I was on the fence about three, and thought, that’s interesting because I’m also the third. Then I had my second and was like, o wow it’s so clear that two is enough for me! And even though this second squeezed my sanity and grew out capacity for patience as a family, they really make me a better, more joyful version of myself. I always think of that Lake Michigan lady, her summation of her third. Maybe it’s the “last” baby, not the third, that puts it all into perspective. That Hunt book looks FASCINATING, can’t wait to check it out. And also: I very much feel my mother’s life unwinding within my writing projects these days, like a long gestational flower, taking lifetimes to bloom.
This is all so fascinating. Thank you for sharing Kara. This line is stunning: "I very much feel my mother’s life unwinding within my writing projects these days, like a long gestational flower, taking lifetimes to bloom." I think the question, "what projects don't exist because I exist?" could be replaced with "what projects exist over many generations?"
This hit me right to the core today. 41, two teens and no third, unfinished/not started projects, and the image of my mom doing work she didn’t want to do. But I’m here and I was her too late third, how interesting!
I don't have the experience of being a woman, but I deeply appreciate this reflection on a couple of generations of parenting. Inherent in my experience as a father who actively co-parented is that somewhere along the way I realized there was always a tension (creative on its best days) between professional dreams and 'quiet, sacred' dreams and hopes. I also have tried to trust the truth that my being a present and active parent and partner would also inform and show up in my professional work. I hope that my work comes from who I am as a human being, which is deeply informed by the relationships I nurture. It's often either messy or even unsatisfying - but I also realize that devoting myself wholly to either one (parenting or professional work) is also messy and unsatisfying too.
I think I most resonated with the 'sacred, quiet' dream phrase because it also feels like a reflective understanding we can't know until we've lived in these tensions for some time. Kudos to you and all the women and men who have nurtured, supported and witnessed you into your 43rd year! Which includes those two little ones, it seems to me.
"It's often either messy or even unsatisfying - but I also realize that devoting myself wholly to either one (parenting or professional work) is also messy and unsatisfying too." AMEN.
Oof. This resonated with me on so many levels. I have found it to be really challenging to be both writer and mother, to have two loves constantly pulling at the hem of my dress, but I am doing both. I am both. In my twenties I think I could’ve done it with more vigor whereas at 37, everything requires more effort and more rest. But I’m doing it. Now, could I do it with two children? I really don’t know if I could give another thing my full attention while still giving them the best version of myself. Like you mentioned, I don’t want to be doing everything but doing a shitty job at all of it. I am a better mother than I am a writer but maybe someday I can feel like I’m good at both.
Vigor is overrated. I think slow and steady is where it's at these days. Just keep showing up for yourself when and where you can and the words will amass over time. Sending love to all the artist moms with projects pulling on their minds and babies pulling on their hems.
" I know so much about who I am and what my gifts are, and have so many good questions to explore out loud these days. I am so clear about the delight I get from my projects, from my collaborators. I want to enjoy every minute of this midlife career moment."
"I’ve been feeling that in a big way—looking around at my people and my projects and feeling both completely blown away by how much I love this life I’ve been given and shaped, and also how sad I am that I only get to do this once. "
I love these two quotes and I'm also so jealous in some ways (lovingly!!) I just turned 30, I just quit teaching 6 months ago from burnout/depletion/moral injury and I'm so curious how you got to a place where you're feeling so much love for your life? You don't seem burnt out like so many people I know. So curious on your thoughts...
Thanks for noticing CN! And for noticing your own envy. I always say that I think envy is the most instructive emotion around. It cuts through your own bullshit and tells you what you really want in your own life.
I think there are lots of answers, but here are some:
I have a lot of economic privilege being in a two-parent household where we both have full-time jobs.
I live in community so I have a lot of proximate support and connection.
I make cool shit with my friends rather than only waiting for gatekeepers to tell me yes (though I still have to hear a lot of no's from gatekeepers).
I am my own boss and I take seriously that the gift of this is having control over my time and taking care of my passions/health etc. (I can get better at this; the downside of this is the hustle and relative economic insecurity.)
I am learning how to say no to work that isn't mine and pass it on to others (lowering burn out).
Yes, please! Full on post about what discernment of your own limits and invitations looks like. In my counseling practice (& in my own life), this is an issue that resonates with SO MANY people - especially women. I suspect this gender gap has to do, in part, with differing expectations around how to navigate parenting alongside career or creative pursuits.
CN, you don't say how long you have been a teacher. If part of your demoralization and burnout comes from absolutely loving to teach but feeling like the institution in which you were situated prevented you from focusing on the aspects you love, you might find it fruitful to dip your toe into alternative situations in which you can teach in the way that makes your heart sing. You might investigate this with little bits of volunteering in different kinds of situations. Those little hits of joy-of-teaching may help with the burnout.
Hunt’s insights into meanings of life and death grow more powerful with each reading. Thank you for this closing quote! The photo of John with babe in arms is too beautiful to put into words. DD
Oh wow, this line especially got to me --->feeling both completely blown away by how much I love this life I’ve been given and shaped, and also how sad I am that I only get to do this once. That’s worth feeling some feels about. And making art about. And good motivation for getting on the floor with your kid and actually listening to them when they explain that weird project they’re working on with matchbox cars, pipe cleaners, and LOL dolls tonight. Focus on what and who is already here, rather than the horizons you’ll never see.
Thank you for your words! I have my first book releasing this month and I’m feeling all the feels, 40 years old with two kids. focusing on the here and now.
My mother was a stay-at-home mom (with six kids, she didn't have TIME to work) but she spent $2 a week to rent a space in an art studio where she created beautiful sculptures. It was great for me to see that she was passionate about something completely separate from children and family. Fast forward 40 years, and my daughter Anna grew up watching me write freelance articles and self-syndicate a column after dinner and dishes were done. She said that was good for her, too. And now her daughter Ellie sees her Mama working a video business on the side when she is done with her full-time job and caring for her beloved daughter. All of our projects get done one way or another, and we set an example for the next generation with our passions and our energy.
Could we add to your question, 'And what projects exist only because I do?
What I have found as a mother of three, the youngest of whom was born when I was 43, is that different constraints open different doors.
There are vital projects I probably never would have undertaken if I had not had him!
Some projects are incompatible with several children or children with extraordinary needs, some may need to be deferred, but there are others we never would have imagined that do come through, shining.
It is thrilling to realize there are so many interesting roads to travel and projects to undertake that do fit with the life choices we make. Or so I have found looking back.
Fritzie, I love this! What projects exist only because I do? What a wise and important question for guiding where one puts their energy.
This post and this comment hit me hard. I'm in a 12 week book writing program and last week didn't do any writing because my son was sick and my partner out of town. I was feeling defeated and exhausted and borderline ready to give up. But after reading both of these I sat down and wrote for an hour. It's easy to "blame" my son but I can do this and want to show him you can have a creative life.
YES! This makes me so happy. Go Arlene go! I often have to remind myself that showing my girls' how passionate and committed I am to my work (alongside and not instead of them) is not only good for me, but for them. But it's hard. And the sick kid disruption is endless, so deeply empathize with you.
When I was pregnant with my second (and last) child, someone stopped me on the beach at Lake Michigan to say how her third was her favorite baby. I was on the fence about three, and thought, that’s interesting because I’m also the third. Then I had my second and was like, o wow it’s so clear that two is enough for me! And even though this second squeezed my sanity and grew out capacity for patience as a family, they really make me a better, more joyful version of myself. I always think of that Lake Michigan lady, her summation of her third. Maybe it’s the “last” baby, not the third, that puts it all into perspective. That Hunt book looks FASCINATING, can’t wait to check it out. And also: I very much feel my mother’s life unwinding within my writing projects these days, like a long gestational flower, taking lifetimes to bloom.
This is all so fascinating. Thank you for sharing Kara. This line is stunning: "I very much feel my mother’s life unwinding within my writing projects these days, like a long gestational flower, taking lifetimes to bloom." I think the question, "what projects don't exist because I exist?" could be replaced with "what projects exist over many generations?"
I just got goosebumps reading that question. Yes yes yes
This hit me right to the core today. 41, two teens and no third, unfinished/not started projects, and the image of my mom doing work she didn’t want to do. But I’m here and I was her too late third, how interesting!
I know some really incredible "too late" thirds. You all are a class of your own.
I don't have the experience of being a woman, but I deeply appreciate this reflection on a couple of generations of parenting. Inherent in my experience as a father who actively co-parented is that somewhere along the way I realized there was always a tension (creative on its best days) between professional dreams and 'quiet, sacred' dreams and hopes. I also have tried to trust the truth that my being a present and active parent and partner would also inform and show up in my professional work. I hope that my work comes from who I am as a human being, which is deeply informed by the relationships I nurture. It's often either messy or even unsatisfying - but I also realize that devoting myself wholly to either one (parenting or professional work) is also messy and unsatisfying too.
I think I most resonated with the 'sacred, quiet' dream phrase because it also feels like a reflective understanding we can't know until we've lived in these tensions for some time. Kudos to you and all the women and men who have nurtured, supported and witnessed you into your 43rd year! Which includes those two little ones, it seems to me.
"It's often either messy or even unsatisfying - but I also realize that devoting myself wholly to either one (parenting or professional work) is also messy and unsatisfying too." AMEN.
Love this reflection, Winton. Thank you!
Oof. This resonated with me on so many levels. I have found it to be really challenging to be both writer and mother, to have two loves constantly pulling at the hem of my dress, but I am doing both. I am both. In my twenties I think I could’ve done it with more vigor whereas at 37, everything requires more effort and more rest. But I’m doing it. Now, could I do it with two children? I really don’t know if I could give another thing my full attention while still giving them the best version of myself. Like you mentioned, I don’t want to be doing everything but doing a shitty job at all of it. I am a better mother than I am a writer but maybe someday I can feel like I’m good at both.
Vigor is overrated. I think slow and steady is where it's at these days. Just keep showing up for yourself when and where you can and the words will amass over time. Sending love to all the artist moms with projects pulling on their minds and babies pulling on their hems.
" I know so much about who I am and what my gifts are, and have so many good questions to explore out loud these days. I am so clear about the delight I get from my projects, from my collaborators. I want to enjoy every minute of this midlife career moment."
"I’ve been feeling that in a big way—looking around at my people and my projects and feeling both completely blown away by how much I love this life I’ve been given and shaped, and also how sad I am that I only get to do this once. "
I love these two quotes and I'm also so jealous in some ways (lovingly!!) I just turned 30, I just quit teaching 6 months ago from burnout/depletion/moral injury and I'm so curious how you got to a place where you're feeling so much love for your life? You don't seem burnt out like so many people I know. So curious on your thoughts...
Thanks for noticing CN! And for noticing your own envy. I always say that I think envy is the most instructive emotion around. It cuts through your own bullshit and tells you what you really want in your own life.
I think there are lots of answers, but here are some:
I have a lot of economic privilege being in a two-parent household where we both have full-time jobs.
I live in community so I have a lot of proximate support and connection.
I make cool shit with my friends rather than only waiting for gatekeepers to tell me yes (though I still have to hear a lot of no's from gatekeepers).
I am my own boss and I take seriously that the gift of this is having control over my time and taking care of my passions/health etc. (I can get better at this; the downside of this is the hustle and relative economic insecurity.)
I am learning how to say no to work that isn't mine and pass it on to others (lowering burn out).
Maybe this should be a post...
Yes, please! Full on post about what discernment of your own limits and invitations looks like. In my counseling practice (& in my own life), this is an issue that resonates with SO MANY people - especially women. I suspect this gender gap has to do, in part, with differing expectations around how to navigate parenting alongside career or creative pursuits.
CN, you don't say how long you have been a teacher. If part of your demoralization and burnout comes from absolutely loving to teach but feeling like the institution in which you were situated prevented you from focusing on the aspects you love, you might find it fruitful to dip your toe into alternative situations in which you can teach in the way that makes your heart sing. You might investigate this with little bits of volunteering in different kinds of situations. Those little hits of joy-of-teaching may help with the burnout.
thank you for this kind and gentle suggestion <3
You two, making me tear up on a Thursday morning. Thanks for being such a love, Fritzie. We got you, CN.
Hunt’s insights into meanings of life and death grow more powerful with each reading. Thank you for this closing quote! The photo of John with babe in arms is too beautiful to put into words. DD
Love you DD.
Oh wow, this line especially got to me --->feeling both completely blown away by how much I love this life I’ve been given and shaped, and also how sad I am that I only get to do this once. That’s worth feeling some feels about. And making art about. And good motivation for getting on the floor with your kid and actually listening to them when they explain that weird project they’re working on with matchbox cars, pipe cleaners, and LOL dolls tonight. Focus on what and who is already here, rather than the horizons you’ll never see.
Thank you for your words! I have my first book releasing this month and I’m feeling all the feels, 40 years old with two kids. focusing on the here and now.
Congratulations!
A new parent here - this all resonates so much! So glad I found your Substack!
My mother was a stay-at-home mom (with six kids, she didn't have TIME to work) but she spent $2 a week to rent a space in an art studio where she created beautiful sculptures. It was great for me to see that she was passionate about something completely separate from children and family. Fast forward 40 years, and my daughter Anna grew up watching me write freelance articles and self-syndicate a column after dinner and dishes were done. She said that was good for her, too. And now her daughter Ellie sees her Mama working a video business on the side when she is done with her full-time job and caring for her beloved daughter. All of our projects get done one way or another, and we set an example for the next generation with our passions and our energy.