I love your answer from your family context... and I've been thinking a lot about how white people lack coherent culture. I don't hear "I'm just white" as innocence, I hear it as a lament... that actually there isn't such thing as white culture, because whiteness demands assimilation.
to me the major project of our time is co-creating new inclusive cultures that transcend race. it feels like a daunting task, but also potentially a really exciting one.
If I were to describe "Courtney martin's culture" (which not surprisingly is also "Garrett Bucks' culture") it would definitely include the phrase, "inspires a counseling intake question asker to remark 'nobody's answered like this before!."
You continue to blow my mind, Courtney. I probably shouldn't comment when the pieces of my mind lie around the room like a mash of jigsaw puzzles that don't belong together! But throwing caution to the winds: (1) The therapist you wrote about stands to learn a lot from getting to know your family. I hope she's capable of beginner's mind, because she's going to need it. (2) The phrase "just white" knocked me down, so here's my quick take from my current position on the floor: To blow off being white this way sounds to me like the perfect cover for White Supremacy, which lives in most of us white folks as a pre-conscious reality that every now and then takes a nip out of our souls and sends us scurrying away. Among all the "explanations" of the recent election, I'm waiting for someone wiser and more insightful than I am to say, "It's simple, and it's neither about the price of eggs nor V.P. Harris’s strategic mistakes. This is a pivotal moment in our national reckoning with White Supremacy that MLK always said would bring us down if we didn't come to terms with it. Quoting Alan Jenkins from Harvard Law in Salon: "'If America does not respond creatively to the challenge to banish racism,' MLK said, 'some future historian will have to say that a great civilization died because it lacked the soul and commitment to make justice a reality for all [people].'” If I say "We're just white" it gives me a free pass to walk away from all that, kind of like the line in old movies where someone responds to a dreaded knock on the door by saying, 'There's no one here—just us chickens." I will subside now and devote myself to getting off the floor, with gratitude for you and your newsletter!
Ha! I'll take your jigsaw puzzle pieces anytime! (A very relevant metaphor for me these days as I do SO MUCH puzzling with my dad.) You're absolutely right: a perfect cover for White supremacy, not matter how innocent the phrase feels when it slips off people's lips. We are in a moment that calls for more of us. We have to tell a more accurate, fuller story about who we are and who we could be.
Hmmm. I have to think about my created family and what's left of my family of origin at the same time, which is complicated. They intersect, obviously, and interact and affect each other, but the cultures are distinct.
Family of origin: earnest, conflict-avoidant Quakers with family history of addiction and violence and all of the moral judgments that come with also a history of heavy Christianity down both sides of the family. We are pastors and church ladies still, through and through. But we are also trying, daily, those of us that are left alive (my mom, oldest brother, and me) to learn to be kinder, more connected, more open to each other as distinct but intertwined individuals. Every day since the election I text both of them (along with two handfuls of other folks) that I love them first thing in the morning. When I am late my brother texts me things like, "Where's my alarm?! I love you!"
We are, by nature and training, caretakers of family and community. We hope and work for a more inclusive future. We read lots of books. We try. Over and over and over again.
Created family (which includes me, my two big kids, one bonus kid and a couple handfuls of dear friends): We are queer and weird, fond of fantasy books (me), fanfiction (Otto), and video games (Rome and Ana). We love to sit around the table and eat great food. We've never met a philosophical question we wouldn't wrestle with. We are enraged by injustice. We make art. We love each other hugely and sometimes clash, but mostly manage to not leave lasting damage. We hug a lot, laugh a lot, apologize when necessary. We show up for each other. Over and over and over again.
Courtney, this was so interesting to me because I've just finished reading THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT, by Gabrielle Blair ("Designmom") and there is a whole section of the book on consciously cultivating a family culture, which is certainly something that you already do (as your answer to the question attests) and something I want to be more deliberate about doing myself. And so I absolutely interpreted the question as you so did, and the twist hit me like a brick. So much to reflect on here. Thank you.
“it’s how we interact with one another, what we value, how we spend our time together (and what we choose not to do), and in general, how we, as a family, show up in the world.” And central to their approach has been “a culture of enjoying and sincerely liking one another” (which might sound obvious, was that was definite not central to the culture of the family I grew up in!). It just about how we can be deliberate about creating such a culture, which was something I’d never heard articulated like this before.
I too interpreted the question as you did, and answered with this perspective when introducing my daughter for therapy, except she was an adult, so her own orientations and community of which we were not a part were also central.
I think what probably leads many respondents astray is that the assessor suggested 'race, religion, that sort of thing.' So the answer 'just white' may have meant little more than that there is no religion in the mix.
What is also possible here is that some people will stop providing personal info when talking with someone who they think won't understand what they are talking about or might judge them for how they talk about themselves. I am surprised, for example, that the assessor would feel it is particularly okay to say 'you mean like a hippy commune?' You wouldn't care, and I wouldn't, but many people wouldn't appreciate it.
As a retired therapist, I am concerned when your description of your ‘background’ comes as a surprise and source of puzzlement to the intake person. I’d be looking carefully at the counselors and their experience before signing your daughter up there.
Thank you Karen! She was an intake person, not my daughter's ongoing therapist. We'll see how it goes with that clinician. It feels hard to find a good fit, just one of many things that needs to change about our mental health care system.
Another thought is to empower your daughter to trust her sensing of the ‘fit.’ I admire your pursuing support for her in what has to be a tumultuous family time for you all. Holding you all in my awareness. 💗
My reply feels like it will be too long so I'll opt to be briefer with what I felt immediately upon reading your newsletter. Since I was a young child, I felt a yearning to be a part of something bigger than just my family, something much bigger. I sought out friends who would take me to their churches or places of worship, even though my family attended a church. My maternal grandfather was a minister in Richmond, Massachusetts for many many years though I didn't know him. He died when I was 4 years old. But we did have "religion" in our family but it did not feel like enough. And religion frequently feels to me like another kind of separation from each other. Even now, having moved 3,000 miles away from the east coast when I was 21, and having created my own family that includes 4 adult children and their children (eight ranging in age from just born to 25 years old), in-laws (my kids' in-laws, my parents and my husband's parents are dead) I still yearn for more. All to say, I feel like our "whiteness" has whitewashed ritual and meaning from life. It feels there is so little left that calls us to be together, to feel the deep need and belonging to each other. White has meant to me, separation is "best." In all realms the individual is paramount, most important. I've always sought connection & belonging, created those elements when missing, and am still doing that at 70 years old. When I first moved to where I live now, 37 years ago, the woman who owned the house my husband and I purchased said to me "I'm sorry to tell you this but this neighborhood is very unfriendly." She said this the day we closed escrow, as she handed me several sets of keys. We were walking together on the narrow one lane road where I would soon be living. She & I had become close during the negotiations of purchase against the wishes of both realtors, again my desire to connect. I was surprised by her comment and saddened. As time rolled on, I walked the lane daily with my then 16 month old son and when she arrived 4 years later with my daughter as well. Whenever I saw a neighbor, I'd call out and begin a conversation. Those neighbors became my "chosen" family and for the next 3 decades provided the belonging and community for which I have always yearned. Beyond my neighborhood, working in schools, at the local library and getting involved continued to fill me with belonging and community. Even still I feel a tremendous void and emptiness in the "white community" which isn't present in other cultures. It's a deep sadness to me. I'll keep trying to make a dent. To fill that glaring white emptiness.
I'm so glad you weren't! This is a captivating narrative. You actually gave me hope about my new neighborhood, which feels friendly but not interdependent to me. Maybe I can help shift the culture over time. Thank you.
Last week there was a “dress up as your family culture” day at school, which felt comedically impossible but also useful as a mental exercise. Also, “we’re just white” is such an amazing phrase.
We had multi-cultural night at school and struggled, similarly, with what dish to make. We ended up bringing pesto, not because we are actually Italian, but because John and I met in Italy?! The food was OFF THE HOOK.
Courtney, I tried to respond to say I'm so appreciative of your reply but it wouldn't work, hope this new comment gets through. I know you by extension. We share a mutual friend -- the founder of the Flight School. A kind of friend-by-association neighborhood/community and belonging is what that makes me feel. Your writing always gives me a good reason to pause, and I'm so grateful for your ever expanding love, your great big wide open heart, and your willingness to write about, feel and think about the complexities of humanity and life on earth. I hope your new situation and neighborhood will become what mine did. There are so many examples of my giving and receiving community right on one lane road where I live. We can also try to make that true, create what we want to experience, sometimes we just have to begin. Thank you.
Growing up we went fishing and clamming together a lot. I still remember watching, and later helping, my Dad filet fish, and getting fish slime on my clothes and bean bags (I juggled a lot, then and now) and smelling like fish (the bean bags smelled like bluefish for about eight years). Now I live far away from my parents and I miss them but we talk frequently on the phone. My wife and I lived with housemates for a bunch of years which was wonderful. Currently we do not live with housemates (unless you count our two kids) but we still get together every month or so. I grew up metaphorically interpreting the Bible as a semi-Lutheran (baptized but not confirmed). Later signed the UU book. Go about once every couple years. Fascinated by the gospel of the bike/folks who figure out fun ways of being together without needing to burn massive quantities of fossil fuels. My wife and I love making music/singing with friends and family. Taking a train to visit parents for Christmas.
I like the question and the reflection it’s inspired! However, as a therapist myself I’m surprised by her perplexed responses. While we are all learning and growing in community with each other, therapists included, some of us have farther to go than others. Be assured cultural competence isn’t too much to ask in a therapist. I would like to think I’d dig a little deeper into the “just white” responses. As you eloquently point out, this question is about so much more!
Thankfully she was just the assessment clinician. She was kind and quirky, though I didn't love the way she dealt with everything. Stella will have someone else for ongoing therapy.
That's so shocking and sad re how most people answer "family culture"! But also, I giggled outloud at your caption about the big risk of white carpet :) I hope you and your fam have a good holiday, Courtney.
Parker Palmer keeps taking the words out of my mouth so my first response is to echo him! He’s rightly referenced MLK, my hero, who converted me to pacifism with his magnificent speech against the Vietnam war on April 4, 1967.
Since then the culture of my family has attempted to practice the virtues of NONVIOLENCE as a guiding principle. This directs our parenting of our children and grandchildren as well as our teaching at Barnard (Courtney and I met) and NYU, where Sharron and I taught for 4 decades. The core problem of our society has long been endemic violence, both domestic and international. Read Rachael Snyder’s “No Visible Bruises” that explains how the most dangerous place for women today in America is their own home. How can we prevent waging wars abroad when it starts in our homes?
It’s a horrible thought that Maya and Stella will grow up in a culture of violence raging all around them in our society, worsened by the outrageous misogyny evidenced in our last election.
But MLK showed us a path of resistance through Civil Disobedience. We need to mobilize a strong movement of nonviolent protest beginning in January to save our children and women’s rights. I’m 86 years old and this could be my last big mass rally so please be there. March with me to D.C.! DD
I just hung up the phone with my brother 90 minutes of chit chatting talking about our dementia minded Mom our family home that we sold this past month and various other rabbit holes. When I hung up the phone I was annoyed that I wasted so much time just chit chatting and then I read your note and I thought wow that is a piece of our family culture. Narrating our lives to each other and going down various rabbit holes but always coming back to what is important and I smiled. That time was not a waste it was a gift.
I was struck by the power of perspective. And the challenge of changing it.
I love your answer from your family context... and I've been thinking a lot about how white people lack coherent culture. I don't hear "I'm just white" as innocence, I hear it as a lament... that actually there isn't such thing as white culture, because whiteness demands assimilation.
to me the major project of our time is co-creating new inclusive cultures that transcend race. it feels like a daunting task, but also potentially a really exciting one.
Love this add. Thank you, Brian!
If I were to describe "Courtney martin's culture" (which not surprisingly is also "Garrett Bucks' culture") it would definitely include the phrase, "inspires a counseling intake question asker to remark 'nobody's answered like this before!."
Ha! So true. And then obsess over something that is said in passing and turn it into a newsletter.
Couldn't be me!
LOL
You continue to blow my mind, Courtney. I probably shouldn't comment when the pieces of my mind lie around the room like a mash of jigsaw puzzles that don't belong together! But throwing caution to the winds: (1) The therapist you wrote about stands to learn a lot from getting to know your family. I hope she's capable of beginner's mind, because she's going to need it. (2) The phrase "just white" knocked me down, so here's my quick take from my current position on the floor: To blow off being white this way sounds to me like the perfect cover for White Supremacy, which lives in most of us white folks as a pre-conscious reality that every now and then takes a nip out of our souls and sends us scurrying away. Among all the "explanations" of the recent election, I'm waiting for someone wiser and more insightful than I am to say, "It's simple, and it's neither about the price of eggs nor V.P. Harris’s strategic mistakes. This is a pivotal moment in our national reckoning with White Supremacy that MLK always said would bring us down if we didn't come to terms with it. Quoting Alan Jenkins from Harvard Law in Salon: "'If America does not respond creatively to the challenge to banish racism,' MLK said, 'some future historian will have to say that a great civilization died because it lacked the soul and commitment to make justice a reality for all [people].'” If I say "We're just white" it gives me a free pass to walk away from all that, kind of like the line in old movies where someone responds to a dreaded knock on the door by saying, 'There's no one here—just us chickens." I will subside now and devote myself to getting off the floor, with gratitude for you and your newsletter!
Ha! I'll take your jigsaw puzzle pieces anytime! (A very relevant metaphor for me these days as I do SO MUCH puzzling with my dad.) You're absolutely right: a perfect cover for White supremacy, not matter how innocent the phrase feels when it slips off people's lips. We are in a moment that calls for more of us. We have to tell a more accurate, fuller story about who we are and who we could be.
Hmmm. I have to think about my created family and what's left of my family of origin at the same time, which is complicated. They intersect, obviously, and interact and affect each other, but the cultures are distinct.
Family of origin: earnest, conflict-avoidant Quakers with family history of addiction and violence and all of the moral judgments that come with also a history of heavy Christianity down both sides of the family. We are pastors and church ladies still, through and through. But we are also trying, daily, those of us that are left alive (my mom, oldest brother, and me) to learn to be kinder, more connected, more open to each other as distinct but intertwined individuals. Every day since the election I text both of them (along with two handfuls of other folks) that I love them first thing in the morning. When I am late my brother texts me things like, "Where's my alarm?! I love you!"
We are, by nature and training, caretakers of family and community. We hope and work for a more inclusive future. We read lots of books. We try. Over and over and over again.
Created family (which includes me, my two big kids, one bonus kid and a couple handfuls of dear friends): We are queer and weird, fond of fantasy books (me), fanfiction (Otto), and video games (Rome and Ana). We love to sit around the table and eat great food. We've never met a philosophical question we wouldn't wrestle with. We are enraged by injustice. We make art. We love each other hugely and sometimes clash, but mostly manage to not leave lasting damage. We hug a lot, laugh a lot, apologize when necessary. We show up for each other. Over and over and over again.
Just gorgeous. Thank you, Asha. I would love to sit around your table and talk philosophy.
You are welcome anytime. :)
Courtney, this was so interesting to me because I've just finished reading THE KIDS ARE ALRIGHT, by Gabrielle Blair ("Designmom") and there is a whole section of the book on consciously cultivating a family culture, which is certainly something that you already do (as your answer to the question attests) and something I want to be more deliberate about doing myself. And so I absolutely interpreted the question as you so did, and the twist hit me like a brick. So much to reflect on here. Thank you.
Oh I'm so curious. What did she say about creating a family culture? Anything really stick with you?
“it’s how we interact with one another, what we value, how we spend our time together (and what we choose not to do), and in general, how we, as a family, show up in the world.” And central to their approach has been “a culture of enjoying and sincerely liking one another” (which might sound obvious, was that was definite not central to the culture of the family I grew up in!). It just about how we can be deliberate about creating such a culture, which was something I’d never heard articulated like this before.
Wow, me neither. I love this. Thanks for sharing Kerry.
I too interpreted the question as you did, and answered with this perspective when introducing my daughter for therapy, except she was an adult, so her own orientations and community of which we were not a part were also central.
I think what probably leads many respondents astray is that the assessor suggested 'race, religion, that sort of thing.' So the answer 'just white' may have meant little more than that there is no religion in the mix.
What is also possible here is that some people will stop providing personal info when talking with someone who they think won't understand what they are talking about or might judge them for how they talk about themselves. I am surprised, for example, that the assessor would feel it is particularly okay to say 'you mean like a hippy commune?' You wouldn't care, and I wouldn't, but many people wouldn't appreciate it.
As a retired therapist, I am concerned when your description of your ‘background’ comes as a surprise and source of puzzlement to the intake person. I’d be looking carefully at the counselors and their experience before signing your daughter up there.
Thank you Karen! She was an intake person, not my daughter's ongoing therapist. We'll see how it goes with that clinician. It feels hard to find a good fit, just one of many things that needs to change about our mental health care system.
Another thought is to empower your daughter to trust her sensing of the ‘fit.’ I admire your pursuing support for her in what has to be a tumultuous family time for you all. Holding you all in my awareness. 💗
My reply feels like it will be too long so I'll opt to be briefer with what I felt immediately upon reading your newsletter. Since I was a young child, I felt a yearning to be a part of something bigger than just my family, something much bigger. I sought out friends who would take me to their churches or places of worship, even though my family attended a church. My maternal grandfather was a minister in Richmond, Massachusetts for many many years though I didn't know him. He died when I was 4 years old. But we did have "religion" in our family but it did not feel like enough. And religion frequently feels to me like another kind of separation from each other. Even now, having moved 3,000 miles away from the east coast when I was 21, and having created my own family that includes 4 adult children and their children (eight ranging in age from just born to 25 years old), in-laws (my kids' in-laws, my parents and my husband's parents are dead) I still yearn for more. All to say, I feel like our "whiteness" has whitewashed ritual and meaning from life. It feels there is so little left that calls us to be together, to feel the deep need and belonging to each other. White has meant to me, separation is "best." In all realms the individual is paramount, most important. I've always sought connection & belonging, created those elements when missing, and am still doing that at 70 years old. When I first moved to where I live now, 37 years ago, the woman who owned the house my husband and I purchased said to me "I'm sorry to tell you this but this neighborhood is very unfriendly." She said this the day we closed escrow, as she handed me several sets of keys. We were walking together on the narrow one lane road where I would soon be living. She & I had become close during the negotiations of purchase against the wishes of both realtors, again my desire to connect. I was surprised by her comment and saddened. As time rolled on, I walked the lane daily with my then 16 month old son and when she arrived 4 years later with my daughter as well. Whenever I saw a neighbor, I'd call out and begin a conversation. Those neighbors became my "chosen" family and for the next 3 decades provided the belonging and community for which I have always yearned. Beyond my neighborhood, working in schools, at the local library and getting involved continued to fill me with belonging and community. Even still I feel a tremendous void and emptiness in the "white community" which isn't present in other cultures. It's a deep sadness to me. I'll keep trying to make a dent. To fill that glaring white emptiness.
guess I wasn't as brief as I meant to be. LOL
I'm so glad you weren't! This is a captivating narrative. You actually gave me hope about my new neighborhood, which feels friendly but not interdependent to me. Maybe I can help shift the culture over time. Thank you.
Last week there was a “dress up as your family culture” day at school, which felt comedically impossible but also useful as a mental exercise. Also, “we’re just white” is such an amazing phrase.
We had multi-cultural night at school and struggled, similarly, with what dish to make. We ended up bringing pesto, not because we are actually Italian, but because John and I met in Italy?! The food was OFF THE HOOK.
Oh man, food is such a good route for interpreting/sharing family culture.
Courtney, I tried to respond to say I'm so appreciative of your reply but it wouldn't work, hope this new comment gets through. I know you by extension. We share a mutual friend -- the founder of the Flight School. A kind of friend-by-association neighborhood/community and belonging is what that makes me feel. Your writing always gives me a good reason to pause, and I'm so grateful for your ever expanding love, your great big wide open heart, and your willingness to write about, feel and think about the complexities of humanity and life on earth. I hope your new situation and neighborhood will become what mine did. There are so many examples of my giving and receiving community right on one lane road where I live. We can also try to make that true, create what we want to experience, sometimes we just have to begin. Thank you.
Thank you so much, Karen! And thanks to Abby for threading us together.
Growing up we went fishing and clamming together a lot. I still remember watching, and later helping, my Dad filet fish, and getting fish slime on my clothes and bean bags (I juggled a lot, then and now) and smelling like fish (the bean bags smelled like bluefish for about eight years). Now I live far away from my parents and I miss them but we talk frequently on the phone. My wife and I lived with housemates for a bunch of years which was wonderful. Currently we do not live with housemates (unless you count our two kids) but we still get together every month or so. I grew up metaphorically interpreting the Bible as a semi-Lutheran (baptized but not confirmed). Later signed the UU book. Go about once every couple years. Fascinated by the gospel of the bike/folks who figure out fun ways of being together without needing to burn massive quantities of fossil fuels. My wife and I love making music/singing with friends and family. Taking a train to visit parents for Christmas.
I love these details, thanks Erik.
I like the question and the reflection it’s inspired! However, as a therapist myself I’m surprised by her perplexed responses. While we are all learning and growing in community with each other, therapists included, some of us have farther to go than others. Be assured cultural competence isn’t too much to ask in a therapist. I would like to think I’d dig a little deeper into the “just white” responses. As you eloquently point out, this question is about so much more!
Thankfully she was just the assessment clinician. She was kind and quirky, though I didn't love the way she dealt with everything. Stella will have someone else for ongoing therapy.
That's so shocking and sad re how most people answer "family culture"! But also, I giggled outloud at your caption about the big risk of white carpet :) I hope you and your fam have a good holiday, Courtney.
You, too Eve. Give Elizabeth a hug from me.
Parker Palmer keeps taking the words out of my mouth so my first response is to echo him! He’s rightly referenced MLK, my hero, who converted me to pacifism with his magnificent speech against the Vietnam war on April 4, 1967.
Since then the culture of my family has attempted to practice the virtues of NONVIOLENCE as a guiding principle. This directs our parenting of our children and grandchildren as well as our teaching at Barnard (Courtney and I met) and NYU, where Sharron and I taught for 4 decades. The core problem of our society has long been endemic violence, both domestic and international. Read Rachael Snyder’s “No Visible Bruises” that explains how the most dangerous place for women today in America is their own home. How can we prevent waging wars abroad when it starts in our homes?
It’s a horrible thought that Maya and Stella will grow up in a culture of violence raging all around them in our society, worsened by the outrageous misogyny evidenced in our last election.
But MLK showed us a path of resistance through Civil Disobedience. We need to mobilize a strong movement of nonviolent protest beginning in January to save our children and women’s rights. I’m 86 years old and this could be my last big mass rally so please be there. March with me to D.C.! DD
I just hung up the phone with my brother 90 minutes of chit chatting talking about our dementia minded Mom our family home that we sold this past month and various other rabbit holes. When I hung up the phone I was annoyed that I wasted so much time just chit chatting and then I read your note and I thought wow that is a piece of our family culture. Narrating our lives to each other and going down various rabbit holes but always coming back to what is important and I smiled. That time was not a waste it was a gift.
I was struck by the power of perspective. And the challenge of changing it.