I sat in the Oakland sun Sunday with my dear ol’ dad and read my new Christian Science Monitor cover story on the crisis that boys and men are facing out loud to him. He quietly listened to the whole thing, nodding his head from time to time, seemingly taking it all in.
Haven’t read the piece yet, but glad you wrote it. Not just that it was written, but by you! I’ve led a garden-based empowerment club for several years called “Dirt Girls.” When we first started, a few parents of boys asked where the club for boys was. (‘Cause we need more of those?) I assured them their sons were welcome, but the boys would crinkle their noses at the idea of it. The stigma attached to being a female-bodied person. 🤦🏻♀️ A few years and one pandemic later…we have four boys in our club this spring. It’s very touching to nurture kids of any gender that want to arrange flowers, build butterfly habitats and also use pitchforks and get dirty. Intimacy with nature ranks just as high and contributes to human intimacy. 💚
Hi Courtney - Substack synchronicity...I've been writing about emotions, emotional agility and difficult conversations. I've read, and I'm saving your article 'Want to combat male loneliness? Start by helping boys connect with their emotions.' It's a powerful piece that resonates and I appreciate how you've incorporated diverse perspectives, ethnicities and initiatives within it.
I won't go into my opinion of how this plays out in our Asian-Chinese culture - others have more experience than me, & who can do so in greater depth- except to say there are a lot of cultural expectations that compound what you've described.
I appreciate that this is not an easy topic, and it requires us all to unlearn and relearn beliefs, self-awareness, and communication skills.
If you get the chance, take a look at the article I published today on 'How do we construct emotions?'
My dad who had vascular dementia loved to sit out in the sun, with his hat and gloves too (we live in the UK so that's nearly all year round ;-) )So I loved that photo!
Thank you for this beautiful piece, lifting up the organizations and individuals doing some incredible work to change the social norms we've all become accustomed to. Your dad's experience of the piece is so heartwarming. I am noticing some softening of my own father in his older years. What a hard time they must have had as young boys and men. I'm hopeful that things can be different for my three nephews and will share your story with my sister. Onwards Xo
Smiling. Loving this Courtney. Humans (boys men girls women they we all) need our operating systems to be integrated. Full of all the zones, right? Intimacy (while having culturally poo-pooed and minimized) right next to beating, empathic hearts. Actually woven together like sunshine and full moons and god only knows we all need that every single day. So yes to boys and men embracing intimacy. Yes to girls claiming full-throated power and voice. Yes to every human humming and thriving with the whole darn package. THAT's what I'm pretty sure the world needs right now more than anything! And, an extra yes to picturing your dad's sweet shine---still---different and as pure as sunlight now. Loving you and your voice in the juicy ALL of it!
When at 43 I became pregnant with a son, I knew I was in potentially new territory. I had been raised with a sister and female cousins, and my children, then 8 and 11, were girls. Someone recommended to me a book called The Wonder of Boys, which gave me a useful start. The biggest difference I saw in raising my son (now 26) and my daughters was that he was less secure from the beginning and over the years had less reliable executive function, needing more help and scaffolding in those areas. He was not less loving nor less inclined to intimacy than my daughters were.
I am so glad your father retains the gentle part of his nature. So did my father. Many people who age with dementia, though, grow more aggressive and volatile as their left brain sort of capabilities soften. I don't see it as people's moving more toward the feminine as they age, because I have seen how differently people age.
Such an important topic. It reminds me of the book Unfinished Business by Anne Marie Slaughter (highly recommend). Her premise is that the next step in the women’s movement is to elevate care work for all people - give it a higher value and allow men to do it. I read the book last year and keep thinking about it and seeing resonate topics all over.
I haven't read your piece yet, but I am looking forward to it. I think we've come a long way in teaching and normalizing emotional wellness, intelligence, skills, and intimacy; it is part of the curriculum in some schools, and I bet people couldn't have imagined that a generation or two ago. Still, I am the mother of three boys and see how they absorb cultural and societal expectations, some healthy and some not. I won't dispute that some of our human behaviors are due to biological wiring/hormones, but emotional skills, just like others, can be modeled and taught. Thanks for putting this topic front and center!
The article is so brilliant that I just submitted a comment to the CSM emphasizing its need for today as we combat violence and try to nurture empathy. DD
Thanks DD! I know they will love hearing from you. You are a prime example in my mind of a man who hasn't traded his emotional life for acceptance in masculine contexts. A true model of integration.
Haven’t read the piece yet, but glad you wrote it. Not just that it was written, but by you! I’ve led a garden-based empowerment club for several years called “Dirt Girls.” When we first started, a few parents of boys asked where the club for boys was. (‘Cause we need more of those?) I assured them their sons were welcome, but the boys would crinkle their noses at the idea of it. The stigma attached to being a female-bodied person. 🤦🏻♀️ A few years and one pandemic later…we have four boys in our club this spring. It’s very touching to nurture kids of any gender that want to arrange flowers, build butterfly habitats and also use pitchforks and get dirty. Intimacy with nature ranks just as high and contributes to human intimacy. 💚
I love this expansion! Intimacy with nature is where it's at.
Hi Courtney - Substack synchronicity...I've been writing about emotions, emotional agility and difficult conversations. I've read, and I'm saving your article 'Want to combat male loneliness? Start by helping boys connect with their emotions.' It's a powerful piece that resonates and I appreciate how you've incorporated diverse perspectives, ethnicities and initiatives within it.
I won't go into my opinion of how this plays out in our Asian-Chinese culture - others have more experience than me, & who can do so in greater depth- except to say there are a lot of cultural expectations that compound what you've described.
I appreciate that this is not an easy topic, and it requires us all to unlearn and relearn beliefs, self-awareness, and communication skills.
If you get the chance, take a look at the article I published today on 'How do we construct emotions?'
My dad who had vascular dementia loved to sit out in the sun, with his hat and gloves too (we live in the UK so that's nearly all year round ;-) )So I loved that photo!
Love all the synchronicity. Thanks for writing!
Thanks, I'm cheering you on - these articles are tough but important topics. thanks to you!
Thank you for this beautiful piece, lifting up the organizations and individuals doing some incredible work to change the social norms we've all become accustomed to. Your dad's experience of the piece is so heartwarming. I am noticing some softening of my own father in his older years. What a hard time they must have had as young boys and men. I'm hopeful that things can be different for my three nephews and will share your story with my sister. Onwards Xo
Smiling. Loving this Courtney. Humans (boys men girls women they we all) need our operating systems to be integrated. Full of all the zones, right? Intimacy (while having culturally poo-pooed and minimized) right next to beating, empathic hearts. Actually woven together like sunshine and full moons and god only knows we all need that every single day. So yes to boys and men embracing intimacy. Yes to girls claiming full-throated power and voice. Yes to every human humming and thriving with the whole darn package. THAT's what I'm pretty sure the world needs right now more than anything! And, an extra yes to picturing your dad's sweet shine---still---different and as pure as sunlight now. Loving you and your voice in the juicy ALL of it!
When at 43 I became pregnant with a son, I knew I was in potentially new territory. I had been raised with a sister and female cousins, and my children, then 8 and 11, were girls. Someone recommended to me a book called The Wonder of Boys, which gave me a useful start. The biggest difference I saw in raising my son (now 26) and my daughters was that he was less secure from the beginning and over the years had less reliable executive function, needing more help and scaffolding in those areas. He was not less loving nor less inclined to intimacy than my daughters were.
I am so glad your father retains the gentle part of his nature. So did my father. Many people who age with dementia, though, grow more aggressive and volatile as their left brain sort of capabilities soften. I don't see it as people's moving more toward the feminine as they age, because I have seen how differently people age.
Such an important topic. It reminds me of the book Unfinished Business by Anne Marie Slaughter (highly recommend). Her premise is that the next step in the women’s movement is to elevate care work for all people - give it a higher value and allow men to do it. I read the book last year and keep thinking about it and seeing resonate topics all over.
Love her and I haven't read that book. Thank you for the rec Lisa!
I haven't read your piece yet, but I am looking forward to it. I think we've come a long way in teaching and normalizing emotional wellness, intelligence, skills, and intimacy; it is part of the curriculum in some schools, and I bet people couldn't have imagined that a generation or two ago. Still, I am the mother of three boys and see how they absorb cultural and societal expectations, some healthy and some not. I won't dispute that some of our human behaviors are due to biological wiring/hormones, but emotional skills, just like others, can be modeled and taught. Thanks for putting this topic front and center!
The article is so brilliant that I just submitted a comment to the CSM emphasizing its need for today as we combat violence and try to nurture empathy. DD
Thanks DD! I know they will love hearing from you. You are a prime example in my mind of a man who hasn't traded his emotional life for acceptance in masculine contexts. A true model of integration.
Great article, and we need more programs (& wise/trained?) people who can lead those programs using embedded social-emotional learning.
As a mom of three boys--young men now--I have noticed all of the things you write about here. We need to pay more attention to boys AND keep supporting girls. It's not just for the boys' sake, it's for all of our futures. Proud of my son's piece on this issue: https://machronicle.com/the-decline-of-the-male-space-why-it-matters-and-what-the-future-holds/