I totally relate! I am a two as well. I can’t tell you how many debates/arguments I’ve had where I am quick to say “I was just trying to help!” I am always reacting to family situations and trying to figure out how best to fix others’ relationships (I can’t.) My current goal is noticing/catching myself and asking if this is mine to do. I also just heard and like Ann Lamott’s acronym WAIT (why am I talking?) because I know me listening would be more authentically helpful than interrupting to “fix.” And I love your goal of asking for and accepting help. Thank you for a meaningful article!
Oof, yes. Catching myself to ask a quiet "Is this mine to do?" is a daily (and sometimes hourly) practice at this point. As is learning how to deeply listen and offer no solutions.
Oh SOOOOOOOO not alone in this! I SO recognized myself in every phrase, word, urge--and even had the urge to share your wise wise wise piece with someone---you guessed it!---who I though needed it, too! Carry on, beautiful Courtney! Your wisdom-infused distilled light shining (yup, all the metaphors mixed!) lights me up. Helps me see. And I've a hunch I'm not alone! p.s. Way back when I was 28, I was in treatment for alcoholism. My counselor pulled me aside to address my *ahem!* over-helping. I retorted instantly--oh you don't UNDERSTAND! I do this because I care so deeply! She calmly called me out. "Lynn, how do you know what's best for others? That's grandiose." Bam. Outed! It stung, but she was right! So here I am----girl who cares---with better boundaried urges every single day (or most days!) xo
So true! She just brought it. Golden! (Note to us all---say the hard stuff. Cleanly. Unattached to outcome. It's the gift that can make all the difference!)
Courtney, I love your insights about the shadow side of helping. I used to have a very different view of what it meant to help; at this point I'm realizing so many of my impulses to "help" come down to a desire to be in management of other people's lives. For their own best interest, of course.....or at least that's what I catch myself thinking until I realize that, whoops! here I am doing what isn't mine to do at all. And I've found that parenting teenagers provides a mirror to this sort of compulsive "helping" like nothing else, since there is so much sensitivity present around them being free to wrestle with their own problems, without forced input.
Isn't this so the lovely invitation into our blind spots, the hospitality of finally resting in what is with even just the merest pause before we leap once again into action? And from there, our world is different, easier somehow, an affectionate and rueful grin on our lips as we look into our own eyes.
I'm a 2, too. This post was spot-on me to a tee. And so timely. The other night I tried to force my 11-year old to accept my help fixing her broken notebook. As you can imagine, this over-stepping on my tween's budding autonomy caused a fight. Of course I was just trying to help so that she wouldn't have to recopy the contents of the notebook into another notebook, but that's not the point. So, yes, I'm learning, too. ❤️
My version of this compulsion to help is as real and problematic as yours but takes a different form. I do keep adding books to my husband's teetering book pile but do not pencil friends' names into the margins of books I read.
My style is more this: After the 2016 election I juggled six volunteer jobs involving gap filling in my community. In 2020 when schools shut down, I offered to tutor every kid at a local grade school in math, knowing this is often particularly challenging for working parents.
And now I respond to every story about post-pandemic learning loss by thinking of what I might be able to do to help.
Said differently, if I actually have the skill to meet a need, am legitimately good at it, it is very difficult for me not to jump in with both feet. Alas, I have come to realize I am not a centipede. Only two feet!
I am also regularly asked to do more right now than I am capable of doing (not forced to, but asked to) and am working to place some boundaries, particularly when it is something for which I have no relative advantage other than my difficulty in saying no.
So at 30 years older than you are, I still don't have this one under control.
Enneagram 2 here! I sooooo love this: "Also, at a deep subconscious level, I know it is about my own dis-ease in the world and desire to see it as perfectable and controllable. I want it to make sense, damn it. Being alive can’t possibly be this heartbreaking and and unfair and chaotic, can it? Let me find my depressed friend the perfect absorbing activity that will pull him out of his depression or start a GoFundMe for that family struggling at our school. Let me think about these things obsessively instead of feeling my feelings about war and my parents’ aging bodies and my kids’ warming future."
It captures the essence of our "helping." I know exactly what you mean - sometimes it's compulsive but there's also the genuine wanting for people to be happy and have peace. And, there's our genuine, pure love. AND, we need to know when to rein it in.
I saw Anne Lamott a few weeks ago at the Santa Fe writer's conference. She was brilliant (of course) and she said what you shared, "Help is the sunny side of control." Such a good reminder.
Love this thoughtfulness Courtney. Helped me pause and reflect on all the various ways I like to help my adult children! May my help be loving and truly helpful.. not secretly controlling! I’m man!
So beautiful, and I so relate. I find knowing when to help my dad (with dementia) and when to let him manage on his own the biggest challenge yet. Asking him to help me -- by chopping vegetables or something along those lines -- is a great strategy!! Thank you.
I can totally relate to this! I had to actively stop myself recently from giving advice to a mom at school because it would have been, as you say, controlling versus consensual. I likewise have trouble asking for help and always have. I happen to be at a crossroads with this right now where I would love help, but still don't feel great about asking so I just hope someone offers. lol We are all on a journey of betterment!
As a recovering help-aholic, I think about — and share — that AnneL quote often. (First discovered it at the end of Brene Brown’s “Atlas of the Heart”, where she juxtaposes it with the notion of wanting to spare our loved ones suffering — and alleviate our own discomfort with having to witness/endure their flailing about.) *Synchronistically* (or not!) the day before this EF post landed, I’d shared the AL quote yet again with someone I was asking permission to "help" (read share unsolicited advice with). Permission NOT granted — ouch! (But, they did send along this article on unsolicited advice that I found quite enlightening!) https://www.verywellmind.com/whats-behind-different-types-of-unsolicited-advice-3144961
it is ongoing deep work for me to support others' in self-authoring their own learning journeys... rather than my vision for where they should go (grimace emoji)
Totally relate in navigating towards the positive impacts as a Capricorn/Two! So helpful(lol!) to see our mutual struggles and considerations mirrored in the world. Thank you ☀️!
You made a reference to 'my people.' The possessive triggered something for me. I think it's the implication of ownership and therefore knowing what's best for someone else. I haven't fully parsed it yet
Thanks for the feedback. That's not how I hold it. For me it's more of a beautiful accountability--these are the people that I care for, that care for me, that I claim as mind to have and hold. But I can see how it would land differently in others' ears.
I totally relate! I am a two as well. I can’t tell you how many debates/arguments I’ve had where I am quick to say “I was just trying to help!” I am always reacting to family situations and trying to figure out how best to fix others’ relationships (I can’t.) My current goal is noticing/catching myself and asking if this is mine to do. I also just heard and like Ann Lamott’s acronym WAIT (why am I talking?) because I know me listening would be more authentically helpful than interrupting to “fix.” And I love your goal of asking for and accepting help. Thank you for a meaningful article!
Oof, yes. Catching myself to ask a quiet "Is this mine to do?" is a daily (and sometimes hourly) practice at this point. As is learning how to deeply listen and offer no solutions.
Sooooo get this!!!!
Oh SOOOOOOOO not alone in this! I SO recognized myself in every phrase, word, urge--and even had the urge to share your wise wise wise piece with someone---you guessed it!---who I though needed it, too! Carry on, beautiful Courtney! Your wisdom-infused distilled light shining (yup, all the metaphors mixed!) lights me up. Helps me see. And I've a hunch I'm not alone! p.s. Way back when I was 28, I was in treatment for alcoholism. My counselor pulled me aside to address my *ahem!* over-helping. I retorted instantly--oh you don't UNDERSTAND! I do this because I care so deeply! She calmly called me out. "Lynn, how do you know what's best for others? That's grandiose." Bam. Outed! It stung, but she was right! So here I am----girl who cares---with better boundaried urges every single day (or most days!) xo
What a gift from that counselor! I'm sure that's not an easy piece of feedback to deliver.
So true! She just brought it. Golden! (Note to us all---say the hard stuff. Cleanly. Unattached to outcome. It's the gift that can make all the difference!)
Courtney, I love your insights about the shadow side of helping. I used to have a very different view of what it meant to help; at this point I'm realizing so many of my impulses to "help" come down to a desire to be in management of other people's lives. For their own best interest, of course.....or at least that's what I catch myself thinking until I realize that, whoops! here I am doing what isn't mine to do at all. And I've found that parenting teenagers provides a mirror to this sort of compulsive "helping" like nothing else, since there is so much sensitivity present around them being free to wrestle with their own problems, without forced input.
Oh man, I'm in for it. My 10 year old is aching towards teenagedom...
Isn't this so the lovely invitation into our blind spots, the hospitality of finally resting in what is with even just the merest pause before we leap once again into action? And from there, our world is different, easier somehow, an affectionate and rueful grin on our lips as we look into our own eyes.
I'm a 2, too. This post was spot-on me to a tee. And so timely. The other night I tried to force my 11-year old to accept my help fixing her broken notebook. As you can imagine, this over-stepping on my tween's budding autonomy caused a fight. Of course I was just trying to help so that she wouldn't have to recopy the contents of the notebook into another notebook, but that's not the point. So, yes, I'm learning, too. ❤️
Thanks for being in the muck with me, Stevie. So relate to this example.
My version of this compulsion to help is as real and problematic as yours but takes a different form. I do keep adding books to my husband's teetering book pile but do not pencil friends' names into the margins of books I read.
My style is more this: After the 2016 election I juggled six volunteer jobs involving gap filling in my community. In 2020 when schools shut down, I offered to tutor every kid at a local grade school in math, knowing this is often particularly challenging for working parents.
And now I respond to every story about post-pandemic learning loss by thinking of what I might be able to do to help.
Said differently, if I actually have the skill to meet a need, am legitimately good at it, it is very difficult for me not to jump in with both feet. Alas, I have come to realize I am not a centipede. Only two feet!
I am also regularly asked to do more right now than I am capable of doing (not forced to, but asked to) and am working to place some boundaries, particularly when it is something for which I have no relative advantage other than my difficulty in saying no.
So at 30 years older than you are, I still don't have this one under control.
I might tattoo this on my arm: I AM NOT A CENTIPEDE.
Enneagram 2 here! I sooooo love this: "Also, at a deep subconscious level, I know it is about my own dis-ease in the world and desire to see it as perfectable and controllable. I want it to make sense, damn it. Being alive can’t possibly be this heartbreaking and and unfair and chaotic, can it? Let me find my depressed friend the perfect absorbing activity that will pull him out of his depression or start a GoFundMe for that family struggling at our school. Let me think about these things obsessively instead of feeling my feelings about war and my parents’ aging bodies and my kids’ warming future."
It captures the essence of our "helping." I know exactly what you mean - sometimes it's compulsive but there's also the genuine wanting for people to be happy and have peace. And, there's our genuine, pure love. AND, we need to know when to rein it in.
I saw Anne Lamott a few weeks ago at the Santa Fe writer's conference. She was brilliant (of course) and she said what you shared, "Help is the sunny side of control." Such a good reminder.
Thank you for this honest and beautiful piece!
Love this thoughtfulness Courtney. Helped me pause and reflect on all the various ways I like to help my adult children! May my help be loving and truly helpful.. not secretly controlling! I’m man!
So beautiful, and I so relate. I find knowing when to help my dad (with dementia) and when to let him manage on his own the biggest challenge yet. Asking him to help me -- by chopping vegetables or something along those lines -- is a great strategy!! Thank you.
I can totally relate to this! I had to actively stop myself recently from giving advice to a mom at school because it would have been, as you say, controlling versus consensual. I likewise have trouble asking for help and always have. I happen to be at a crossroads with this right now where I would love help, but still don't feel great about asking so I just hope someone offers. lol We are all on a journey of betterment!
As a recovering help-aholic, I think about — and share — that AnneL quote often. (First discovered it at the end of Brene Brown’s “Atlas of the Heart”, where she juxtaposes it with the notion of wanting to spare our loved ones suffering — and alleviate our own discomfort with having to witness/endure their flailing about.) *Synchronistically* (or not!) the day before this EF post landed, I’d shared the AL quote yet again with someone I was asking permission to "help" (read share unsolicited advice with). Permission NOT granted — ouch! (But, they did send along this article on unsolicited advice that I found quite enlightening!) https://www.verywellmind.com/whats-behind-different-types-of-unsolicited-advice-3144961
Way to practice consensual helping Nancy, and model it for the rest of us! Thanks for the resource.
oof this resonates hard. at the risk of confirming your premise, I'm reminded of this lovely episode from the Nagoski sisters on "human giver syndrome" that made me feel very seen: https://www.feministsurvivalproject.com/episodes/episode-03-human-giver-syndrome
it is ongoing deep work for me to support others' in self-authoring their own learning journeys... rather than my vision for where they should go (grimace emoji)
I just read the transcript. Fascinating! Thanks for sharing this. I will check out all the episodes.
Thanks for the rec.
Totally relate in navigating towards the positive impacts as a Capricorn/Two! So helpful(lol!) to see our mutual struggles and considerations mirrored in the world. Thank you ☀️!
Fascinating insights to consider carefully about myself. Thank you, Courtney. Wishing you well through your current situation.
Wonderful discernments here! I sure can identify myself and my doings with what you are sharing here!!! Thank you!
You made a reference to 'my people.' The possessive triggered something for me. I think it's the implication of ownership and therefore knowing what's best for someone else. I haven't fully parsed it yet
Thanks for the feedback. That's not how I hold it. For me it's more of a beautiful accountability--these are the people that I care for, that care for me, that I claim as mind to have and hold. But I can see how it would land differently in others' ears.