I really loved the book and am so glad Rhaina chose to present it as a book. The thing about a book with a lot of content is that one can digest the material, the sentences, at ones own pace in a way that doesn't work nearly as well in audio. One can hold it in hand, pause, live with it, write in it, and imagine around it.
I have had three really big friendships in my life. One has been a friendship of 53 years, a person from my freshman dorm. Another I met in grad school in 1977. A third I met at work in 1981.
I don't have, and have never had, a large circle of friends. But I have had the best.
I wouldn't be who I am without my friends, full stop. Marriage confounded me, honestly. But friendship is like breathing. My oldest friend, Lisa, has been with me since we were 13-- 39 years. I still remember the dress she was wearing the first day I saw her in middle school (White fitted bodice, full skirt, fluorescent accents, peek-a-boo bow in the back. It was 1985.). We've been together through cross-country moves, international adventures, frustrations, fights, marriages, divorce, the raising of both my kids, the building of her career, her mom's suicide, my dad's death, her rape, my alienation from my family due to a history of sexual abuse.
Similar could be said of my second oldest friend, Carrie. We're working on 37 years together. And my friend Becki and I are staring down twenty years. She's my housemate currently and it's the best living situation I've ever had as an adult. If I could construct my perfect world, she would live with me forever and any romantic partner I have would live next door. When we are older we'd build an Ewok village outside of town and have our own separate tree houses with walkways between. I seriously can't imagine anything more blissful.
You're breaking my budget by prompting me to order these fascinating books! Today it's Rhaina Cohen's "The Other Significant Others." The reference to "Platonic partners" alone had me hooked. Of course, the fact that I can claim to be close friends with Courtney (BC '02) since our classes at Barnard affirms the value of friendship as a paramount virtue in life; so I can't wait to read Cohen's narrative, especially after this superlative interview.
I wonder if Cohen or other readers happened to read the article in "Psychologist" (On Line) called "If you have a friend who uses any of these 8 toxic phrases, it may be time to move on". It begins stating that "Friends are the cornerstone of a fulfilling and happy life. But some friendships can veer into toxicity". The crucial signs of such toxicity are when the following appear: "You're too sensitive"; "I was just joking. Can't you take a joke?"; "You're lucky to have me as a friend"; "I miss the old you"; "You owe me"; "I wonder why they gave you that promotion": "I'm sorry that you feel that way"; finally, you're ghosted with no explanation.
These might sound simplistic, but each is followed by the author's reasoning, however brief, that seems plausible to me.
My questions, then, to Courtney and Rhaina are whether such language can signal a serious fracture of the relationship? What if the subsequent explanation by your friend is unsatisfying? Should you continue down a path of enquiry or just drop it by ignoring the hurt caused? What are the chief criteria used in making or breaking friendships? Maybe these are all answered in the book, or implied in the interview, so I need to give this vital subject much more thought. DD
The language, it seems to be, is symbolic of deeper disconnect. What I love about Rhaina’s book, among many things, is how it inspires the same intentionality and imagination for friend love that we bring to romantic love.
I loved this NPR podcast about this book and would love to read the book, too. I have organized my life around one particular OSO (as we now call each other from this book). It is lovely to see our relationship reflected in the media as most media (books, movies, articles) coverage of female friendship has included conflict/jealousy/secondary status to sexual relationships. That has never been my personal experience. My friendship with my OSO has lasted 30+ years and counting and is longer than either of our sexual/legal ("primary") relationships with our romantic partners. I expect our relationship to outlast my romantic partnerships and when I picture growing old, it's with her in one of our houses. David Sedaris wrote an article about his OSO, too, that I found moving: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2024/01/29/how-to-eat-a-tire-in-a-year-david-sedaris
Rhaina, I just put your book on hold at the library! I spent the first decade of adulthood single (in a faith community where most married young) and living far from my family. One of the biggest gifts from this period of my life was how deeply I internalized the value of friendship (and the lovely friendships I made). As I've recently entered a long-term romantic relationship, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on how to remain committed and intentional in my friendships too. And I'm currently navigating some shifts in friendship that are requiring hard conversations I don't always feel like I have the skills to have. It's something I want to keep diving into, and I'm excited to read the book. Also, I have a playlist of friendship songs - maybe there are some here that will resonate. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1ib7ryTkuQeZP6CwBPuBVJ?si=4d7dbdc2a994492e&pt=6ad2d24cc2f2355c1206786d067e39e2
Thanks for the article; looking forward to reading this book. Since becoming a mother, my female friendships (even with those friends who don't have kids of their own) have become an even more important refuge and support system, though I don't always have as much time to nurture these relationships in-person as deeply as I should. A reflection I had while reading was that while my circle of friends consisted mostly of males in high school and college, that balance has tilted in adulthood to a circle of mostly female friends -- I wonder if a gender shift in friendship preferences as we age is a broader trend or just a data point I've noticed in my own circle.
"I've Got a Friend" by Maggie Rogers might be a candidate for your friendship playlist.
I really loved the book and am so glad Rhaina chose to present it as a book. The thing about a book with a lot of content is that one can digest the material, the sentences, at ones own pace in a way that doesn't work nearly as well in audio. One can hold it in hand, pause, live with it, write in it, and imagine around it.
I have had three really big friendships in my life. One has been a friendship of 53 years, a person from my freshman dorm. Another I met in grad school in 1977. A third I met at work in 1981.
I don't have, and have never had, a large circle of friends. But I have had the best.
I wouldn't be who I am without my friends, full stop. Marriage confounded me, honestly. But friendship is like breathing. My oldest friend, Lisa, has been with me since we were 13-- 39 years. I still remember the dress she was wearing the first day I saw her in middle school (White fitted bodice, full skirt, fluorescent accents, peek-a-boo bow in the back. It was 1985.). We've been together through cross-country moves, international adventures, frustrations, fights, marriages, divorce, the raising of both my kids, the building of her career, her mom's suicide, my dad's death, her rape, my alienation from my family due to a history of sexual abuse.
Similar could be said of my second oldest friend, Carrie. We're working on 37 years together. And my friend Becki and I are staring down twenty years. She's my housemate currently and it's the best living situation I've ever had as an adult. If I could construct my perfect world, she would live with me forever and any romantic partner I have would live next door. When we are older we'd build an Ewok village outside of town and have our own separate tree houses with walkways between. I seriously can't imagine anything more blissful.
Oh Asha, I love these portraits. Thank you!
You're breaking my budget by prompting me to order these fascinating books! Today it's Rhaina Cohen's "The Other Significant Others." The reference to "Platonic partners" alone had me hooked. Of course, the fact that I can claim to be close friends with Courtney (BC '02) since our classes at Barnard affirms the value of friendship as a paramount virtue in life; so I can't wait to read Cohen's narrative, especially after this superlative interview.
I wonder if Cohen or other readers happened to read the article in "Psychologist" (On Line) called "If you have a friend who uses any of these 8 toxic phrases, it may be time to move on". It begins stating that "Friends are the cornerstone of a fulfilling and happy life. But some friendships can veer into toxicity". The crucial signs of such toxicity are when the following appear: "You're too sensitive"; "I was just joking. Can't you take a joke?"; "You're lucky to have me as a friend"; "I miss the old you"; "You owe me"; "I wonder why they gave you that promotion": "I'm sorry that you feel that way"; finally, you're ghosted with no explanation.
These might sound simplistic, but each is followed by the author's reasoning, however brief, that seems plausible to me.
My questions, then, to Courtney and Rhaina are whether such language can signal a serious fracture of the relationship? What if the subsequent explanation by your friend is unsatisfying? Should you continue down a path of enquiry or just drop it by ignoring the hurt caused? What are the chief criteria used in making or breaking friendships? Maybe these are all answered in the book, or implied in the interview, so I need to give this vital subject much more thought. DD
The language, it seems to be, is symbolic of deeper disconnect. What I love about Rhaina’s book, among many things, is how it inspires the same intentionality and imagination for friend love that we bring to romantic love.
I loved this NPR podcast about this book and would love to read the book, too. I have organized my life around one particular OSO (as we now call each other from this book). It is lovely to see our relationship reflected in the media as most media (books, movies, articles) coverage of female friendship has included conflict/jealousy/secondary status to sexual relationships. That has never been my personal experience. My friendship with my OSO has lasted 30+ years and counting and is longer than either of our sexual/legal ("primary") relationships with our romantic partners. I expect our relationship to outlast my romantic partnerships and when I picture growing old, it's with her in one of our houses. David Sedaris wrote an article about his OSO, too, that I found moving: https://www.newyorker.com/magazine/2024/01/29/how-to-eat-a-tire-in-a-year-david-sedaris
Rhaina, I just put your book on hold at the library! I spent the first decade of adulthood single (in a faith community where most married young) and living far from my family. One of the biggest gifts from this period of my life was how deeply I internalized the value of friendship (and the lovely friendships I made). As I've recently entered a long-term romantic relationship, I've spent a lot of time reflecting on how to remain committed and intentional in my friendships too. And I'm currently navigating some shifts in friendship that are requiring hard conversations I don't always feel like I have the skills to have. It's something I want to keep diving into, and I'm excited to read the book. Also, I have a playlist of friendship songs - maybe there are some here that will resonate. https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1ib7ryTkuQeZP6CwBPuBVJ?si=4d7dbdc2a994492e&pt=6ad2d24cc2f2355c1206786d067e39e2
Thanks for the article; looking forward to reading this book. Since becoming a mother, my female friendships (even with those friends who don't have kids of their own) have become an even more important refuge and support system, though I don't always have as much time to nurture these relationships in-person as deeply as I should. A reflection I had while reading was that while my circle of friends consisted mostly of males in high school and college, that balance has tilted in adulthood to a circle of mostly female friends -- I wonder if a gender shift in friendship preferences as we age is a broader trend or just a data point I've noticed in my own circle.
"I've Got a Friend" by Maggie Rogers might be a candidate for your friendship playlist.