One of the hardest things for me about motherhood has been realizing how deeply, deeply introverted I am, which flies in the face of the constant connectivity that raising young children demands. When my kids' dad and I split I was despondent at not seeing my children every day, but after a while, I started realizing how much I loved (and needed) those regular stretches of kid-free (and largely people-free when I wasn't at work) time. I am the most me when I am entirely alone in my house, puttering around, writing, watering the plants, making lists and planning my day. I am not attending to anyone else, but simply existing inside my own body and looking out through my own eyes. This is the only time I am fully relaxed, the only time I am entirely myself.
My kids are 14 and 18, so that makes it easier. Though I'm amazed how much I can't turn off my "always on deck to be needed" antennae whenever they're in the house, even though they largely ignore me completely most of the time. It's a PTSD thing, partly, because that "awareness of other people" antennae never turns off, adults or children. But the sweetness of laying it down when I'm alone is pretty delicious.
Damn it, Courtney. This one took my breath away. Here's to a few more minutes, a few more hours, a few more days of doing something more like being and less like the stagecraft of being.
Oh my. Another spot on column from you to me…you seem to know. Most me when I’m moodling which looks like physically puttering around my home while free floating in my head. I think Brenda Ueland coined ‘moodling’. “…imagination needs moodling…”
Beautiful writing. I want to thank you, because your other post about reading A Wrinkle in Time with your young daughters made me realize the moment had finally arrived that I could read it aloud with my 8 year old (3rd grade) daughter! It is the best and most wonderful gift for me when I realize she has gotten to an age I can read her a childhood favorite of mine. Anne of Green Gables, Harriet the Spy, Little House on the Prairie and Island of the Blue Dolphins are some of the other books I kept on a shelf, waiting for that exciting day. Oh, and I was so determined to read her From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler that at one point I realized I had collected 3 copies of it from various thrift stores! Anyway, we started A Wrinkle in Time last week and when I opened the copy I had pilfered from my childhood room, I opened it up and guess what! "For Bethany - best wishes for successful tessering" - Madeleine L'Engle"! The best part is that it is a complete mystery to my mother and I how this autograph was obtained, she thinks a teacher got it for me! I enjoy so much reading her these books because the language seems richer to me than more recently written children's books. We get to stop and discuss what has changed from when the book was written, for example so far in A Wrinkle in Time I have been taken a bit aback about how much focus there is on physical looks and Meg's feelings of being unattractive. Of course it is completely understandable given both Meg's age and the time in which the book was written but I had to address it with my 8 year old who still has no concept of these concerns! Curious how (if?) you do this reading with your kids!
One of the hardest things for me about motherhood has been realizing how deeply, deeply introverted I am, which flies in the face of the constant connectivity that raising young children demands. When my kids' dad and I split I was despondent at not seeing my children every day, but after a while, I started realizing how much I loved (and needed) those regular stretches of kid-free (and largely people-free when I wasn't at work) time. I am the most me when I am entirely alone in my house, puttering around, writing, watering the plants, making lists and planning my day. I am not attending to anyone else, but simply existing inside my own body and looking out through my own eyes. This is the only time I am fully relaxed, the only time I am entirely myself.
Relate to this so much, except I am still trying to figure out the solitude. I am reveling in your description of yours.
My kids are 14 and 18, so that makes it easier. Though I'm amazed how much I can't turn off my "always on deck to be needed" antennae whenever they're in the house, even though they largely ignore me completely most of the time. It's a PTSD thing, partly, because that "awareness of other people" antennae never turns off, adults or children. But the sweetness of laying it down when I'm alone is pretty delicious.
Damn it, Courtney. This one took my breath away. Here's to a few more minutes, a few more hours, a few more days of doing something more like being and less like the stagecraft of being.
"stagecraft of being" = perfection
You take my breath away with this piece. My question. This is for me.
Oh my. Another spot on column from you to me…you seem to know. Most me when I’m moodling which looks like physically puttering around my home while free floating in my head. I think Brenda Ueland coined ‘moodling’. “…imagination needs moodling…”
Thank you bless you 💞
This is so lovely. Thank you.
Beautiful writing. I want to thank you, because your other post about reading A Wrinkle in Time with your young daughters made me realize the moment had finally arrived that I could read it aloud with my 8 year old (3rd grade) daughter! It is the best and most wonderful gift for me when I realize she has gotten to an age I can read her a childhood favorite of mine. Anne of Green Gables, Harriet the Spy, Little House on the Prairie and Island of the Blue Dolphins are some of the other books I kept on a shelf, waiting for that exciting day. Oh, and I was so determined to read her From the Mixed Up Files of Mrs. Basil E. Frankweiler that at one point I realized I had collected 3 copies of it from various thrift stores! Anyway, we started A Wrinkle in Time last week and when I opened the copy I had pilfered from my childhood room, I opened it up and guess what! "For Bethany - best wishes for successful tessering" - Madeleine L'Engle"! The best part is that it is a complete mystery to my mother and I how this autograph was obtained, she thinks a teacher got it for me! I enjoy so much reading her these books because the language seems richer to me than more recently written children's books. We get to stop and discuss what has changed from when the book was written, for example so far in A Wrinkle in Time I have been taken a bit aback about how much focus there is on physical looks and Meg's feelings of being unattractive. Of course it is completely understandable given both Meg's age and the time in which the book was written but I had to address it with my 8 year old who still has no concept of these concerns! Curious how (if?) you do this reading with your kids!