Dear Other Mother, Welcome back. I can’t say I’m thrilled to see you here, but I’m not surprised. It’s holiday time, your favorite moment of all to saunter through the door and point out all the things that are unorganized, late, dirty, and/or missing. There’s plenty to point to. It’s been an intense season, an intense year, maybe even an intense decade?!
As a woman 'of a certain age' I encourage you -and my younger women friends - to make peace with this issue of 'perfect mother/perfect family/perfect Christmas' - and continue to resist the popular notions that these ideals of Christmas make us happy. SO many destructive ideas and actions are embedded within those ideas. (consumerism, branding, superficial appearances, distraction....you know we could go on, and on...)
Break out the Christmas poetry and family hikes. (those are the best memories for me.)
Yay to no high heels, tortilla frisbees and wonderful older mentors. I can attest to the awesomeness of you as a mother/writer/daughter/sister/real loving/kind/more than capable woman out there in the real world. Yay to poetry and hikes. Yay to everyone doing what works and keeping the door open for more joy.💗💗💗💗
I dragged the big storage box of Christmas stuff out of the basement (yes, a basement in California... they come with old, old houses). My grown daughter and I made the annual journey to a Christmas tree lot and came out with the biggest tree we could afford ( 2.5 feet high) and laughed the whole way home... ( we got the Charley Brown tree mostly for my 6 year old granddaughter). So far no Christmas cards in my mailbox, which is good, since I didn't buy any this year anyway. We are looking forward to our first family Christmas in a few years but know there will be two family members dealing with serious diseases. We are looking forward to hugging them, enjoying every second we have with them. We will take pictures, not of the 2.5 foot tree, but of our loved ones. This year we will hug - a real hug, not virtual. not an elbow bump. A long, warm, loving hug.
I hope someone makes you a nice cartoon for your frig of you frisbeeing a tortilla!
As a mother of almost 35 years, I can share that prioritizing other things over tidying house works just fine if the people with whom you live are happy with it. We all need to pick the priorities that work for our families.
I think putting up a blog post every week that is likely read by everyone you love, releasing a book about your family's experiences at Emerson, and all the things I know you do to reach a hand toward others in your community and family are perfect expressions of the spirit of the season. More so than a holiday card..
This year my kids are with their dad for Christmas. We're getting takeout and exchanging gifts on the evening of the Solstice and I'm not even doing stockings because, seriously, why? They're 14 and 18. They buy their own candy. No one needs more of the little things that fit in a stocking, and they never eat the orange I use to fill out the toe, anyway.
I bought a tree, a small one, from in front of the grocery store. It fit most of the historic ornaments and none of the filler ones that fill in the bare spots when we get a bigger tree, which I always forget to water properly or even drag out to the curb until it has lost nearly all its needles in a deep wreath of mess around the base.
On Christmas day I'll be alone, and largely happily so. I'll drink a lot of tea and possibly eat cheese and crackers all day. I'd like to say I'll read books, but I'll probably binge some movies and take a nap. When it comes to the holidays generally, I am reluctant to engage in any of the performative traditions anymore. I just can't muster a single f*$!.
Frisbeeing a tortilla into the bedroom? Why haven’t I done that yet? Genius. Tea with Louise and talking about the world is something every mother needs. Luckily I have Andrea. She is 70 and one of my favorite people to help make sense of this crazy life. I still have some fancy heels somewhere collecting dust, this is a good reminder to find them new homes this Christmas. Xo
Yes!!! You articulated so many of the thoughts swirling in my head this year and every year. We watched tv (a Christmas episode of Community, which my teenage daughter has recently discovered and introduced us to) while decorating the tree this year. My Other Mother was horrified but later I realized it was the only time we didn't get into a big family fight while decorating. So clearly she does not know what she's talking about. :) Thank you for your wisdom and honesty!
Oh god, I really needed to read this today! My kids are 29-35 and have houses of their own, and I still have multiple excuses to not have a clean house - cats, I need studio time, work, and, especially, I just fucking don’t want to do it. Thank you for accepting yourself in specifically that way and naming it because it gives me that option too. Cat poop on the floor? Well, it’s so dried out it doesn’t stink or stick. I’ll get it tomorrow. Stinky trash? Close the lid tighter and go out to the studio. Floors need vacuuming? Look up at the pretty art on the walls that got done while you WEREN’T vacuuming.
Oh, and my kids are FABULOUS and haven’t suffered a moment from our messy house and don’t seem to have THEIR mother as the Other Mother. So at least there’s that comfort!
Merry Christmas- happy holidays - whatever - have a great next couple of weeks - and I’m so happy for your kids to have you as their mom. I love the way you write about them. It feels like they are immensely blessed with you and John as their parents.
As a woman 'of a certain age' I encourage you -and my younger women friends - to make peace with this issue of 'perfect mother/perfect family/perfect Christmas' - and continue to resist the popular notions that these ideals of Christmas make us happy. SO many destructive ideas and actions are embedded within those ideas. (consumerism, branding, superficial appearances, distraction....you know we could go on, and on...)
Break out the Christmas poetry and family hikes. (those are the best memories for me.)
Yay to no high heels, tortilla frisbees and wonderful older mentors. I can attest to the awesomeness of you as a mother/writer/daughter/sister/real loving/kind/more than capable woman out there in the real world. Yay to poetry and hikes. Yay to everyone doing what works and keeping the door open for more joy.💗💗💗💗
I dragged the big storage box of Christmas stuff out of the basement (yes, a basement in California... they come with old, old houses). My grown daughter and I made the annual journey to a Christmas tree lot and came out with the biggest tree we could afford ( 2.5 feet high) and laughed the whole way home... ( we got the Charley Brown tree mostly for my 6 year old granddaughter). So far no Christmas cards in my mailbox, which is good, since I didn't buy any this year anyway. We are looking forward to our first family Christmas in a few years but know there will be two family members dealing with serious diseases. We are looking forward to hugging them, enjoying every second we have with them. We will take pictures, not of the 2.5 foot tree, but of our loved ones. This year we will hug - a real hug, not virtual. not an elbow bump. A long, warm, loving hug.
🏳️
I hope someone makes you a nice cartoon for your frig of you frisbeeing a tortilla!
As a mother of almost 35 years, I can share that prioritizing other things over tidying house works just fine if the people with whom you live are happy with it. We all need to pick the priorities that work for our families.
I think putting up a blog post every week that is likely read by everyone you love, releasing a book about your family's experiences at Emerson, and all the things I know you do to reach a hand toward others in your community and family are perfect expressions of the spirit of the season. More so than a holiday card..
This year my kids are with their dad for Christmas. We're getting takeout and exchanging gifts on the evening of the Solstice and I'm not even doing stockings because, seriously, why? They're 14 and 18. They buy their own candy. No one needs more of the little things that fit in a stocking, and they never eat the orange I use to fill out the toe, anyway.
I bought a tree, a small one, from in front of the grocery store. It fit most of the historic ornaments and none of the filler ones that fill in the bare spots when we get a bigger tree, which I always forget to water properly or even drag out to the curb until it has lost nearly all its needles in a deep wreath of mess around the base.
On Christmas day I'll be alone, and largely happily so. I'll drink a lot of tea and possibly eat cheese and crackers all day. I'd like to say I'll read books, but I'll probably binge some movies and take a nap. When it comes to the holidays generally, I am reluctant to engage in any of the performative traditions anymore. I just can't muster a single f*$!.
Frisbeeing a tortilla into the bedroom? Why haven’t I done that yet? Genius. Tea with Louise and talking about the world is something every mother needs. Luckily I have Andrea. She is 70 and one of my favorite people to help make sense of this crazy life. I still have some fancy heels somewhere collecting dust, this is a good reminder to find them new homes this Christmas. Xo
After all this time on Covid hiatus from life as we'd like it, are there any Other Mothers left? I hope not.
perfect! loved this....
Yes!!! You articulated so many of the thoughts swirling in my head this year and every year. We watched tv (a Christmas episode of Community, which my teenage daughter has recently discovered and introduced us to) while decorating the tree this year. My Other Mother was horrified but later I realized it was the only time we didn't get into a big family fight while decorating. So clearly she does not know what she's talking about. :) Thank you for your wisdom and honesty!
Oh god, I really needed to read this today! My kids are 29-35 and have houses of their own, and I still have multiple excuses to not have a clean house - cats, I need studio time, work, and, especially, I just fucking don’t want to do it. Thank you for accepting yourself in specifically that way and naming it because it gives me that option too. Cat poop on the floor? Well, it’s so dried out it doesn’t stink or stick. I’ll get it tomorrow. Stinky trash? Close the lid tighter and go out to the studio. Floors need vacuuming? Look up at the pretty art on the walls that got done while you WEREN’T vacuuming.
Oh, and my kids are FABULOUS and haven’t suffered a moment from our messy house and don’t seem to have THEIR mother as the Other Mother. So at least there’s that comfort!
Merry Christmas- happy holidays - whatever - have a great next couple of weeks - and I’m so happy for your kids to have you as their mom. I love the way you write about them. It feels like they are immensely blessed with you and John as their parents.
Love your honesty and you are a beautiful writer 💕