I too was not raised in Christianity. I see two different issues here. One is how to explain the common rituals for children in this country, like hunting for eggs. Another is what to do about conveying values outside a religious framework.
I grew up understanding hunting for eggs as a celebration of Springtime, conveniently coinciding with a religious holiday for some people. It was an opportunity to celebrate Spring together and to learn how to hunt fairly in mixed aged groups, with splitting treasures evenly at the end.
The issue with values is, to me, separate. I found it easiest to keep it simple and to model values through actions. Living by values is complicated first because tradeoffs arise among them in many situations, tradeoffs that are easier for kids to learn to talk through and think about as they get older. Second, it is difficult to keep an eye on all the 'values' balls in the air at once. We have all known open-hearted people who nevertheless eat meat, for example, and vegetarians who are very judgmental of others. Brene Brown has an exercise in one of her books, maybe The Gift of Imperfection, in which she presents a long list of values on which pretty much everyone would agree and asks people to consider which two or three they mean to emphasize in the present in the sense of placing at the very core of actions. A useful value, then, is not to judge people harshly for not having an eye on every ball at once, as we typically can't.
if you're modeling & teaching concern / consideration for a group beyond family, I think you're well on the way to instilling the 'love your neighbor as yourself' part. / Ben Nelson
I grew up Catholic. I have not practiced for many years, though the claws of Catholic guilt and indoctrination still have a light grip on me, I struggle with the same thoughts you so eloquently outlined. I am quite satisfied in this place of unknowing, however, because I find those I do know who still boldly and outwardly practice some form of Christianity to be less open, less curious and with more judgement.
Now, this is purely anecdotal. But I do wonder if there is something for be said for parenting your children with a certain set of constructed beliefs versus fostering a sense of curiosity and self-preservation.
THANKS to Courtney! In terms of religion, I moved from being raised Catholic, then left the Church with my father to found a Unitarian fellowship in Morristown, NJ, on to following his lead to becoming an agnostic, now I'm an atheist, even though I admire immensely the examples/teachings of Gandhi and King because of their firm spiritual and activist commitments to nonviolence. I liked Courtney's brief references to Rousseau and Billie Holiday, the former because of his eloquent emphasis on kindness (in Emile) as a supreme virtue for an educator to teach children. Then Billie Holiday because of her incredible inspiration, and since our family became immersed in her biography when my daughter-in-law, Tracy Fessenden, published a brilliant study entitled, "Religion Around Billie Holiday" (get it!).
I'm truly grateful for these thoughtful postings. DD
Love the honesty in this post -- your great strength as a writer, and, apparently, a gift you sewed together from your parents. Raised Mennonite, I am still Mennonite. But my theology has enlarged to the point that it is hard to explain the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus. (My four-year-old granddaughter's response to my attempt was "Really?!") That footwashing service, however, is much easier to explain. I have hundreds of years of tradition to draw upon to explain it. And I hope by living the idea of service and upside-down kingdom values, Lydia will figure out what is really important and let the rest go. She could well end up with your three values. I would be happy with that.
Add this to a long list of parental conundrums. I love this, Courtney, “Be kind to everyone. Be curious about everything. Trust your own outrage.” That last one, YES!
Apr 20, 2022·edited Apr 20, 2022Liked by Courtney Martin
Raised Catholic and now much less so, Christian religious events prompt this type of reflection for me, as a parent. Seeking connection and grounding, I recall bringing my 3 year-old to a church service at Easter many years ago. My daughter, 22 today, still recalls the powerful and confusing image of a bloodied, crucified Jesus, looming large over the congregation. As a family, we have continued to “unpack” that memory, and more. Perhaps the best we can do, as parents, is accompany our kids along their spiritual journey, not shying away from, yet embracing, all the unanswerable questions, appreciating the mystery of life, in all its brutiful (beautiful + brutal) glory.
Having grown up in the 50s in a traditional Congregational faith which was low key, I found a Unitarian Fellowship in my early adulthood and then New Thought later. When my son was young the UU Fellowship we belonged to had an excellent curriculum where many religions were discussed and respected. I never did ask him how he integrated all of that, but he did end up a thoughtful, respectful of diversity, social activist young man so I guess that way worked well enough.
As always I appreciate your exploration of another important subject. 💗
Here's to Love and Confusion. That about sums up the spiritual teaching in our house. And maybe my lesson in reading this is to be ok with that. Thank you for putting words to my thoughts, as is often the case.
Love this. “Trust your own outrage” is something they should show on the Twitter app on startup. I’m a lapsed Catholic myself, but have found myself on a path of spirituality over the last few years, rearing my own patchwork quilt of religion and meaning from sources old and new, far and wide.
I just picked up this great book at the library - I think it may have found me in fact. Agnostic - A Spirited Manifesto by Lesley Hazelton that celebrates the paradox - and "revels in defying artificial straight lines." Super good read
Love and confusion - it is, indeed, 'not nothing.' Thoughtful parenting is a gift to your children. (Speaking of religions, I've just started a fascinating book by Barbara Brown Taylor called "Holy Envy." It's honest, funny, and a pleasure to read.)
I too was not raised in Christianity. I see two different issues here. One is how to explain the common rituals for children in this country, like hunting for eggs. Another is what to do about conveying values outside a religious framework.
I grew up understanding hunting for eggs as a celebration of Springtime, conveniently coinciding with a religious holiday for some people. It was an opportunity to celebrate Spring together and to learn how to hunt fairly in mixed aged groups, with splitting treasures evenly at the end.
The issue with values is, to me, separate. I found it easiest to keep it simple and to model values through actions. Living by values is complicated first because tradeoffs arise among them in many situations, tradeoffs that are easier for kids to learn to talk through and think about as they get older. Second, it is difficult to keep an eye on all the 'values' balls in the air at once. We have all known open-hearted people who nevertheless eat meat, for example, and vegetarians who are very judgmental of others. Brene Brown has an exercise in one of her books, maybe The Gift of Imperfection, in which she presents a long list of values on which pretty much everyone would agree and asks people to consider which two or three they mean to emphasize in the present in the sense of placing at the very core of actions. A useful value, then, is not to judge people harshly for not having an eye on every ball at once, as we typically can't.
One (only somewhat tongue in cheek) definition of Unitarian Universalism is ‘agnostics with children’
Love this and might just steal it for my kids! "Be kind to everyone. Be curious about everything. Trust your own outrage."
if you're modeling & teaching concern / consideration for a group beyond family, I think you're well on the way to instilling the 'love your neighbor as yourself' part. / Ben Nelson
I grew up Catholic. I have not practiced for many years, though the claws of Catholic guilt and indoctrination still have a light grip on me, I struggle with the same thoughts you so eloquently outlined. I am quite satisfied in this place of unknowing, however, because I find those I do know who still boldly and outwardly practice some form of Christianity to be less open, less curious and with more judgement.
Now, this is purely anecdotal. But I do wonder if there is something for be said for parenting your children with a certain set of constructed beliefs versus fostering a sense of curiosity and self-preservation.
My two cents.
THANKS to Courtney! In terms of religion, I moved from being raised Catholic, then left the Church with my father to found a Unitarian fellowship in Morristown, NJ, on to following his lead to becoming an agnostic, now I'm an atheist, even though I admire immensely the examples/teachings of Gandhi and King because of their firm spiritual and activist commitments to nonviolence. I liked Courtney's brief references to Rousseau and Billie Holiday, the former because of his eloquent emphasis on kindness (in Emile) as a supreme virtue for an educator to teach children. Then Billie Holiday because of her incredible inspiration, and since our family became immersed in her biography when my daughter-in-law, Tracy Fessenden, published a brilliant study entitled, "Religion Around Billie Holiday" (get it!).
I'm truly grateful for these thoughtful postings. DD
Very insightful and on-point. You give a language to my felt experience with regards to religion, community, and spirituality. Thank you.
Love the honesty in this post -- your great strength as a writer, and, apparently, a gift you sewed together from your parents. Raised Mennonite, I am still Mennonite. But my theology has enlarged to the point that it is hard to explain the crucifixion and resurrection of Jesus. (My four-year-old granddaughter's response to my attempt was "Really?!") That footwashing service, however, is much easier to explain. I have hundreds of years of tradition to draw upon to explain it. And I hope by living the idea of service and upside-down kingdom values, Lydia will figure out what is really important and let the rest go. She could well end up with your three values. I would be happy with that.
Add this to a long list of parental conundrums. I love this, Courtney, “Be kind to everyone. Be curious about everything. Trust your own outrage.” That last one, YES!
Raised Catholic and now much less so, Christian religious events prompt this type of reflection for me, as a parent. Seeking connection and grounding, I recall bringing my 3 year-old to a church service at Easter many years ago. My daughter, 22 today, still recalls the powerful and confusing image of a bloodied, crucified Jesus, looming large over the congregation. As a family, we have continued to “unpack” that memory, and more. Perhaps the best we can do, as parents, is accompany our kids along their spiritual journey, not shying away from, yet embracing, all the unanswerable questions, appreciating the mystery of life, in all its brutiful (beautiful + brutal) glory.
Having grown up in the 50s in a traditional Congregational faith which was low key, I found a Unitarian Fellowship in my early adulthood and then New Thought later. When my son was young the UU Fellowship we belonged to had an excellent curriculum where many religions were discussed and respected. I never did ask him how he integrated all of that, but he did end up a thoughtful, respectful of diversity, social activist young man so I guess that way worked well enough.
As always I appreciate your exploration of another important subject. 💗
As ever, wise and creative. Thanks Courtney :)
Here's to Love and Confusion. That about sums up the spiritual teaching in our house. And maybe my lesson in reading this is to be ok with that. Thank you for putting words to my thoughts, as is often the case.
Love this. “Trust your own outrage” is something they should show on the Twitter app on startup. I’m a lapsed Catholic myself, but have found myself on a path of spirituality over the last few years, rearing my own patchwork quilt of religion and meaning from sources old and new, far and wide.
I just picked up this great book at the library - I think it may have found me in fact. Agnostic - A Spirited Manifesto by Lesley Hazelton that celebrates the paradox - and "revels in defying artificial straight lines." Super good read
Love and confusion - it is, indeed, 'not nothing.' Thoughtful parenting is a gift to your children. (Speaking of religions, I've just started a fascinating book by Barbara Brown Taylor called "Holy Envy." It's honest, funny, and a pleasure to read.)