Thank you for this meditation Courtney. Powerlessness is one of the greatest teachers ever. I had to learn that powerless is a living thing whose name is vulnerability. My own vulnerability feels like a ache most days. As a highly sensitive body and descendant of a long line of people who use substances and behaviors to try to feel better and as a dancing soul, I am grateful for all kinds of support that helps me steer toward the light. One of my first stops is to bow to suffering. By placing my suffering before me I remember that I am not suffering. Suffering is an aspect, not the whole of me. I was also very happy to recently to discover that I get to "not care." Care is a default setting in my body and brain. I need to continually remember it is a choice. I need to restore some space between the "crushing empathy" and the neutrality that allows one to simply rub another's feel. As always, appreciate you.
I love this community, thank you for building it Courtney.
I am the friend mentioned in this piece. It's really quite incredible to read this, after so many years have passed and with this serendipity: tomorrow is my mom's sobriety anniversary, marking six years without relapse. So much has happened in these six years that have molded my understanding around the role of the feet washer and the person whose feet are being washed. I have been in and out of al-anon for over ten years, many years before my mom chose on her own volition to go into rehab. The concept of "surrender" or "bowing to my suffering" as one commenter put it so well, has shape-shifted so much since pre-sobriety, early sobriety, and 6 years, of sobriety. I have also become a spousal caregiver in the years since. This created brand new layers of understanding (and misunderstanding) around what it means to show up for someone in health crisis. Where I stand now is that I think it may be possible to wash the feet of those we love the most. But, and big but, it requires that we can wash our own feet, that we do wash our own feet regularly, tenderly, and that we are willing to accept it from others when offered. This work has been the hardest of my life. I have always thought of myself as a compassionate helper. This crumbled to pieces upon realizing that until I can do this for myself, and accept it from others, I have no business doing it for loved ones.
I'm so glad to hear your Mom is on the mend - it's a rough course for all involved.
I fully acknowledge that hind sight is 20/20 but suspect that my mother's dealing with alcoholism for forty plus years had much to do with five of us pushing too hard for her to get help. We found out two weeks before she died of cancer, at age eighty, that her father committed suicide when she was a teenager a couple hours after they'd had a really bad argument. I'm not sure she ever had a safe place to share that burden.
Love you, Court, and love this reflection on where your journey has taken you in the years since this post first went live. I wish I could wash your feet today.
I need this reminder today and I know I'll need it again and again. I love this saying from AlAnon: "help is the sunny side of control." I appreciate how difficult yet how necessary it is to allow people the dignity of their own experience, including suffering. I'm glad to have found you.
I have thought often of this lesson from Parker ever since I first read it in one of his books. I lost a dear friend largely over my inability to refrain from trying to help. Since then, and it was many years ago, I have worked to be mindful in the moment as I stand with, or sit with, people who are suffering. The practice is to put my heart there fully as before, but to keep my problem-solving self to myself.
It is so difficult for people who have spent their lives trying to solve other people's problems, to back off as you recommend. Worthwhile goals are rarely easy however.
Reading Joan Didion's "Year of Magical Thinking" helped me A LOT to support a friend (not family:) after the overdose death of her twenty-something child. What I retained from Didion's writing: show up, listen, don't give advice. Kate Bowler's writings are also helpful reminders about supporting others through cancer diagnosis.
We have much to learn - isn't it wonderful that we can?!
Wow this is so incredibly beautiful. I was jarred by the sentence about how we are too invested in our friends' recovery to be able to walk with them in suffering. That hits me right in the feels. Thank you for these beautiful words and giving me something to aspire to. 🙏🏾 I want to be the foot washer too. ❤️
Wow. I am learning. I have people in my life in various stages of recovery. It has been hard process to stand alongside. To not offer the help. Thanks for these words. I will make time for the onbeing episode
I love this, Courtney. I recognize myself in all three people, and am trying hard to sit with the pain of others as it is so refreshing to have people accompany me in my pain. It doesn't alleviate it, but the accompaniment is, just that, accompaniment. I am not alone.
I recently wrote about how much I want people to be with me in the truth of my life, and the response has been awesome. It's like it gave people permission to acknowledge what they've been wanting to look away from. I've had some of the most helpful texts and messages since then.
It is so, so ......hard to just hold space for anyone. At 70 years I have a black belt in co-dependency due to childhood trauma, and a 45 year marriage to an now sober alcoholic and gambler. When my sister 15 years older than me was dying from ALS, she could not speak anymore. It was a lot to be a caretaker when I had a demanding job and kids to look after. She had a board to point out what she wanted to say. It was tedious and I just wanted to help her speak faster by voicing what I thought she was going to say. One day it made her so mad, she started up her massive motorized wheel chair and ran over my feet, forwards and backwards. Broke every toe. I was wearing flip flops. Every time my toes ache I think about that lesson she taught me. Kate Bowler and Melody Beattie helps too
This was very beautiful. I absolutely loved that episode because it was the first time I felt really heard with my long struggles with depression and anxiety. Your post has helped me understand a bit better the point of view of the people who couldn't hear me. Thank you for sharing.
Messaging someone's feet brings two people into physical contact that Parker was not feeling, especially with the world outside of himself. To me washing someone's feet is wrapped in Christianity and may be close but less directly connected than the Quaker elder's approach. And either way, it is much more than I am doing for those who are in need. Thank you for making me think outside of myself.
Exactly what I needed to hear today. I had forgotten about the Parker Palmer story that touched me years ago and your words were a grand reminder. I have a dear friend that I should be massaging her feet but there are many miles between us. I wonder how I could adapt this practice virtually.
Thank you for this. I hadn’t heard that podcast and am so grateful for the conversation. As someone who lives with depression and anxiety I felt Parker’s words in every bone and the frustration and how it feels worse when those around me try to push happy sunshine when I just need some time and understanding. I will forward this to my husband as I think this help to explain what I haven’t been able to explain well. Thank you.
Thank you so much Courtney for sharing your story. There's something in there for anyone who's observed someone suffering - ie everyone.
About 15 years ago I was sitting on a picnic table at an Interstate rest area in Maryland. As an older couple walked by , heads down and mumbling to each other. I said something like " How are you folks doing on such a beautiful day'. They slowed down enough for them to say "FINE, how are you?" I don't remember if it was my look, or my words that conveyed - "I'm not sure I'm convinced ."
They ended up telling me that their daughter was seriously addicted to drugs (? heroin) and they were afraid they were going to lose her. They both ended up in tears and spilled their hearts out to me a perfect stranger for probably 15 minutes. Like the foot massage from a friend, maybe they'd just found a safe place to grieve. No judgement, just a human connection.
Thank you for this meditation Courtney. Powerlessness is one of the greatest teachers ever. I had to learn that powerless is a living thing whose name is vulnerability. My own vulnerability feels like a ache most days. As a highly sensitive body and descendant of a long line of people who use substances and behaviors to try to feel better and as a dancing soul, I am grateful for all kinds of support that helps me steer toward the light. One of my first stops is to bow to suffering. By placing my suffering before me I remember that I am not suffering. Suffering is an aspect, not the whole of me. I was also very happy to recently to discover that I get to "not care." Care is a default setting in my body and brain. I need to continually remember it is a choice. I need to restore some space between the "crushing empathy" and the neutrality that allows one to simply rub another's feel. As always, appreciate you.
Wow. What an insight! Thank you, Cynthia.
Agreed! So much to unpack in here.
I love this community, thank you for building it Courtney.
I am the friend mentioned in this piece. It's really quite incredible to read this, after so many years have passed and with this serendipity: tomorrow is my mom's sobriety anniversary, marking six years without relapse. So much has happened in these six years that have molded my understanding around the role of the feet washer and the person whose feet are being washed. I have been in and out of al-anon for over ten years, many years before my mom chose on her own volition to go into rehab. The concept of "surrender" or "bowing to my suffering" as one commenter put it so well, has shape-shifted so much since pre-sobriety, early sobriety, and 6 years, of sobriety. I have also become a spousal caregiver in the years since. This created brand new layers of understanding (and misunderstanding) around what it means to show up for someone in health crisis. Where I stand now is that I think it may be possible to wash the feet of those we love the most. But, and big but, it requires that we can wash our own feet, that we do wash our own feet regularly, tenderly, and that we are willing to accept it from others when offered. This work has been the hardest of my life. I have always thought of myself as a compassionate helper. This crumbled to pieces upon realizing that until I can do this for myself, and accept it from others, I have no business doing it for loved ones.
I'm so glad to hear your Mom is on the mend - it's a rough course for all involved.
I fully acknowledge that hind sight is 20/20 but suspect that my mother's dealing with alcoholism for forty plus years had much to do with five of us pushing too hard for her to get help. We found out two weeks before she died of cancer, at age eighty, that her father committed suicide when she was a teenager a couple hours after they'd had a really bad argument. I'm not sure she ever had a safe place to share that burden.
Oh Mark, that's so powerful and painful. Sending you love and gratitude for your sharing here.
Thank you for your kind thoughts Courtney
Love you, Court, and love this reflection on where your journey has taken you in the years since this post first went live. I wish I could wash your feet today.
I need this reminder today and I know I'll need it again and again. I love this saying from AlAnon: "help is the sunny side of control." I appreciate how difficult yet how necessary it is to allow people the dignity of their own experience, including suffering. I'm glad to have found you.
Wow. The sunny side of control---that part! Thanks for sharing.
I have thought often of this lesson from Parker ever since I first read it in one of his books. I lost a dear friend largely over my inability to refrain from trying to help. Since then, and it was many years ago, I have worked to be mindful in the moment as I stand with, or sit with, people who are suffering. The practice is to put my heart there fully as before, but to keep my problem-solving self to myself.
It is so difficult for people who have spent their lives trying to solve other people's problems, to back off as you recommend. Worthwhile goals are rarely easy however.
This is beautiful advice. ❤️
Reading Joan Didion's "Year of Magical Thinking" helped me A LOT to support a friend (not family:) after the overdose death of her twenty-something child. What I retained from Didion's writing: show up, listen, don't give advice. Kate Bowler's writings are also helpful reminders about supporting others through cancer diagnosis.
We have much to learn - isn't it wonderful that we can?!
Didion's writing: "show up, listen, don't give advice" Such good advice, so simple, but what a challenge to follow it when we're really close.
Wow this is so incredibly beautiful. I was jarred by the sentence about how we are too invested in our friends' recovery to be able to walk with them in suffering. That hits me right in the feels. Thank you for these beautiful words and giving me something to aspire to. 🙏🏾 I want to be the foot washer too. ❤️
Wow. I am learning. I have people in my life in various stages of recovery. It has been hard process to stand alongside. To not offer the help. Thanks for these words. I will make time for the onbeing episode
This is what I needed to read today.
Beautiful.
I love this, Courtney. I recognize myself in all three people, and am trying hard to sit with the pain of others as it is so refreshing to have people accompany me in my pain. It doesn't alleviate it, but the accompaniment is, just that, accompaniment. I am not alone.
I recently wrote about how much I want people to be with me in the truth of my life, and the response has been awesome. It's like it gave people permission to acknowledge what they've been wanting to look away from. I've had some of the most helpful texts and messages since then.
https://comeonkmon.substack.com/p/june-2023
It is so, so ......hard to just hold space for anyone. At 70 years I have a black belt in co-dependency due to childhood trauma, and a 45 year marriage to an now sober alcoholic and gambler. When my sister 15 years older than me was dying from ALS, she could not speak anymore. It was a lot to be a caretaker when I had a demanding job and kids to look after. She had a board to point out what she wanted to say. It was tedious and I just wanted to help her speak faster by voicing what I thought she was going to say. One day it made her so mad, she started up her massive motorized wheel chair and ran over my feet, forwards and backwards. Broke every toe. I was wearing flip flops. Every time my toes ache I think about that lesson she taught me. Kate Bowler and Melody Beattie helps too
That's a hard way to learn a lesson, but I doubt you'll forget it.
Wow, what an incredible story. Thank you for sharing it.
This was very beautiful. I absolutely loved that episode because it was the first time I felt really heard with my long struggles with depression and anxiety. Your post has helped me understand a bit better the point of view of the people who couldn't hear me. Thank you for sharing.
Messaging someone's feet brings two people into physical contact that Parker was not feeling, especially with the world outside of himself. To me washing someone's feet is wrapped in Christianity and may be close but less directly connected than the Quaker elder's approach. And either way, it is much more than I am doing for those who are in need. Thank you for making me think outside of myself.
Exactly what I needed to hear today. I had forgotten about the Parker Palmer story that touched me years ago and your words were a grand reminder. I have a dear friend that I should be massaging her feet but there are many miles between us. I wonder how I could adapt this practice virtually.
Thank you for this. I hadn’t heard that podcast and am so grateful for the conversation. As someone who lives with depression and anxiety I felt Parker’s words in every bone and the frustration and how it feels worse when those around me try to push happy sunshine when I just need some time and understanding. I will forward this to my husband as I think this help to explain what I haven’t been able to explain well. Thank you.
Thank you so much Courtney for sharing your story. There's something in there for anyone who's observed someone suffering - ie everyone.
About 15 years ago I was sitting on a picnic table at an Interstate rest area in Maryland. As an older couple walked by , heads down and mumbling to each other. I said something like " How are you folks doing on such a beautiful day'. They slowed down enough for them to say "FINE, how are you?" I don't remember if it was my look, or my words that conveyed - "I'm not sure I'm convinced ."
They ended up telling me that their daughter was seriously addicted to drugs (? heroin) and they were afraid they were going to lose her. They both ended up in tears and spilled their hearts out to me a perfect stranger for probably 15 minutes. Like the foot massage from a friend, maybe they'd just found a safe place to grieve. No judgement, just a human connection.
How incredible. I love that they could sense you could handle the real story. I want to be that person for people.
From reading your newsletter, I can't imagine you aren't that person already , but thank you for the compliment just the same.