I stopped growing at 13, which meant I had size 10 feet and a woman's body in middle school. I gave into the big feet thing and embraced boots-- hiking boots, combat boots, motorcycle boots, rainboots, barn boots, cowgirl boots, sexy boots that zip up the inside and hug my calves. Wearing boots always makes me feel badass.
My 15-year old has taught me the limits of language, because unlike my now 20 (20!!!) year old, they are much more emotionally self-contained and don't tend towards talking about what they're struggling with. It just comes out through their body via illness of various sorts. Being a talker (and priding myself on being as healthy as a horse, as we used to say), this is hard for me. But I'm learning to let them be and trust their instincts, and that they will ask for what they need more readily if there's not a lot of ancillary conversation going on. If it's just the two of us, wandering through the grocery store or sitting at a table in a restaurant. So, I'm trying to make sure that one-on-one time happens, which is as hard with teenagers as it was when they were little, surprisingly.
What a cute child! She has such a perky, round face and sense of presence in space.
I think we feel the limits of language from our earliest days, all of us do, first when we haven't the vocabulary to get our feelings across. Then, as our language expands, we continue to see that there is no way of capturing in words even a fraction of what we are feeling when the feelings are big.
But why should something as multifaceted as a feeling fit in the containers words provide?
I agree with you, this girl is incredibly cute. You can tell right away that she is very energetic. And your thoughts about the words, gosh, I think just like you.
This is one of the great joys of parenting (and coaching, teaching, etc). Finding an "unlock" that helps a child find a bit more of their power and self-expression. Then, remembering to get out of the way and let it unfold - and appreciate every second.
I love this so much. We raised our kids in a high demand religion that had rules about dress and appearance. We’ve all since left that church (thankfully), but I wish I could go back in time and let my kids express themselves like Stella is. You can see how much that look resonates with her. If I could go back, I would learn from my child who they are instead of telling them how to act and look. Thanks for your inspiring writing and amazing parenting example.
Wow, how courageous of you to be honest with yourself and others about this. I admire as much if not more than parenting that way from the beginning. You're awesome!
Thank you. I actually wrote a memoir about our experience with leaving the church and our teen/young adult kids' mental health challenges, including coming out as LGBTQ (which was the final straw in leaving the church). I worked all last year to find an agent or publisher with no luck, so I'm in the process of self publishing. Your writing resonates with me so much because I am able to be my more authentic self now, which is such a relief. I'd love to share the pdf of the book with you, if you're interested.
Lisa, this sounds like a great and important book! What’s the best way to find it when you’ve published it? Do you have an author website or social platform?
Funny you should ask because I’ve been contemplating those things this week. But I got the insta page ready. It’s @lisahoelzer_author. DM when you get there and say hi!
1. Big earrings and hiking boots. Not necessarily at the same time.
2. Years into therapy I learned that my reliance on language (and its attendant features: wit, the art of winning an argument) were a barrier to deep connection with my spouse and children. Once its limits were made evident, language became one of a wide range of tools to convey feelings, thoughts, ideas, and fears. It's still my favorite... but letting go of it as best or only made space for a lot more love and listening.
As a writer and reader, I sometimes struggle with the inadequacy of language - I thought it was MY shortcoming, my inabilities. I think I prefer this re-framing. Thanks!
Isn't Stella so aptly named?! Thanks for sharing her with us.
As someone with what feels like neurotic levels of anxiety, what makes me feel fierce as F is being in my body - whether cycling, yoga or just sitting and feeling my body breathe. It’s a reminder as you say that the awe I feel for the life in this body and honor to witness it is something language cannot capture and I feel powerful when I remember what a miracle of life I am in this body.
Do you think feeling fierce-as-F is more of our natural state than we typically feel? Ie do you think we are socialized out of it to a considerable degree?
Great question! I think fierce-as-F may be a special elevated state, but my girls do have easier access to a no-anxiety, no-judgment zone that I admire and try to reclaim in various ways.
I needed that! The right haircut is very empowering.
You are absolutely right, every time after a good haircut, I get a burst of energy and positive emotions.
i love this sooooo much!
Thanks for the inspo Stella. I'm going to get an asymmetrical cut and dye my hair purple. Will report back.
Please do. With pictures, preferably.
It's interesting to see what it will look like.🧡
Oh Stellaaaa!!! You are working it, girl! So beautiful to see a six year old get to feel POWERFUL. 😻
I stopped growing at 13, which meant I had size 10 feet and a woman's body in middle school. I gave into the big feet thing and embraced boots-- hiking boots, combat boots, motorcycle boots, rainboots, barn boots, cowgirl boots, sexy boots that zip up the inside and hug my calves. Wearing boots always makes me feel badass.
My 15-year old has taught me the limits of language, because unlike my now 20 (20!!!) year old, they are much more emotionally self-contained and don't tend towards talking about what they're struggling with. It just comes out through their body via illness of various sorts. Being a talker (and priding myself on being as healthy as a horse, as we used to say), this is hard for me. But I'm learning to let them be and trust their instincts, and that they will ask for what they need more readily if there's not a lot of ancillary conversation going on. If it's just the two of us, wandering through the grocery store or sitting at a table in a restaurant. So, I'm trying to make sure that one-on-one time happens, which is as hard with teenagers as it was when they were little, surprisingly.
What a cute child! She has such a perky, round face and sense of presence in space.
I think we feel the limits of language from our earliest days, all of us do, first when we haven't the vocabulary to get our feelings across. Then, as our language expands, we continue to see that there is no way of capturing in words even a fraction of what we are feeling when the feelings are big.
But why should something as multifaceted as a feeling fit in the containers words provide?
I agree with you, this girl is incredibly cute. You can tell right away that she is very energetic. And your thoughts about the words, gosh, I think just like you.
This is one of the great joys of parenting (and coaching, teaching, etc). Finding an "unlock" that helps a child find a bit more of their power and self-expression. Then, remembering to get out of the way and let it unfold - and appreciate every second.
I love this so much. We raised our kids in a high demand religion that had rules about dress and appearance. We’ve all since left that church (thankfully), but I wish I could go back in time and let my kids express themselves like Stella is. You can see how much that look resonates with her. If I could go back, I would learn from my child who they are instead of telling them how to act and look. Thanks for your inspiring writing and amazing parenting example.
Wow, how courageous of you to be honest with yourself and others about this. I admire as much if not more than parenting that way from the beginning. You're awesome!
Thank you. I actually wrote a memoir about our experience with leaving the church and our teen/young adult kids' mental health challenges, including coming out as LGBTQ (which was the final straw in leaving the church). I worked all last year to find an agent or publisher with no luck, so I'm in the process of self publishing. Your writing resonates with me so much because I am able to be my more authentic self now, which is such a relief. I'd love to share the pdf of the book with you, if you're interested.
Amazing! I'd love to check it out.
Lisa, this sounds like a great and important book! What’s the best way to find it when you’ve published it? Do you have an author website or social platform?
Funny you should ask because I’ve been contemplating those things this week. But I got the insta page ready. It’s @lisahoelzer_author. DM when you get there and say hi!
Oh great! Thanks!
As someone who has changed her hair styles countless times over the years, I say go for it Stella!
Always a haircut trendsetter.
Wow, I admire your openness, I don't change my hairstyle that often.
I think Stella is most definitely destined for greatness!!! 💪💇
I love the way you parent. And the way you write about it!
1. Big earrings and hiking boots. Not necessarily at the same time.
2. Years into therapy I learned that my reliance on language (and its attendant features: wit, the art of winning an argument) were a barrier to deep connection with my spouse and children. Once its limits were made evident, language became one of a wide range of tools to convey feelings, thoughts, ideas, and fears. It's still my favorite... but letting go of it as best or only made space for a lot more love and listening.
You summarized that so wisely, wow. The mark of true integration. Thank you!
Not everything that is felt can be described.
As a writer and reader, I sometimes struggle with the inadequacy of language - I thought it was MY shortcoming, my inabilities. I think I prefer this re-framing. Thanks!
Isn't Stella so aptly named?! Thanks for sharing her with us.
You're right, it's impossible to describe what we feel, but we can at least try to do it. Thank you for sharing your thoughts.
Is this not what makes us decide to be a dancer or a writer or a painter?
Perhaps that's what drives us at times like these. You've given me something to think about. Thank you.
...or creative in our everyday lives. I believe creativity is essential to all humans. (and it doesn't have to be monetized.)
God, but I love our take-no-prisoners daughters!!
Love this.
As someone with what feels like neurotic levels of anxiety, what makes me feel fierce as F is being in my body - whether cycling, yoga or just sitting and feeling my body breathe. It’s a reminder as you say that the awe I feel for the life in this body and honor to witness it is something language cannot capture and I feel powerful when I remember what a miracle of life I am in this body.
I'm so glad I read your heartfelt and powerful words.
Do you think feeling fierce-as-F is more of our natural state than we typically feel? Ie do you think we are socialized out of it to a considerable degree?
Great question! I think fierce-as-F may be a special elevated state, but my girls do have easier access to a no-anxiety, no-judgment zone that I admire and try to reclaim in various ways.
Appreciate that distinction. Thanks!
I. Love. This. ❤️