It’s been a few weeks of mysterious viruses in little bodies around here—fluid built up on the ears, puking at dawn, stuffiness and snores and staying home from school.
I will confess that when my babies were actual babies the management of their bodies, so based in instinct and non-verbal communication, totally stressed me out. But once they got a little older and could articulate how they were feeling inside, some hint of what they needed, there were few times sweeter for me as a mother than when they were sick. I would just stop everything and practice what I called the Ministry of Being With. You need to curl up on the couch and watch cartoons while I feed you sips of liquid and ply you with saltines, periodically flinging your arm out so that your hot, sweaty hand rests on my cheek? Let's do that. The rest of the world can go hang.
Now that they are teenagers we're mostly back to instinct and non-verbal communication. And no snuggling! I never imagined I would miss the closeness of their sweaty, feverish, heavy bodies, but I do.
Welcome! It's one of the things I felt like I excelled at as a mother, and it felt weirdly radical in this era of parenting that seems to be all about stewarding them through activities constantly. Feh! I wanted to be a mother, not a cruise director. I just want to keep them company while they grow up and learn how to be human beings with other human beings. I don't really care if they excel at anything else.
Me too! When my first was a baby I had never been so obsessed with poop. It was the only way I could know what is going on with the sleeping burrito.
And, hi Courtney, I have a 17, 8, 5 year old. And we were neck deep in this! Also once we get over something, a new cough/stomach ache/runny nose/pink eye... insert whatever ailment here... enters. Then we start over. Gah!
Kudos to and admiration for all you parents and guardians of little bodies out there. May their caregivers be blessed with strength and brilliance. May those in need of healing experience renewal of body and renewal of spirit.
Even with big kids - who look you in the eye and bolt out the door without a goodbye hug or kiss, we are keepers of bodies too. I love this imagery of these words Courtney.
It's a slow, process, at least it was for us. A slow distancing - but the close moments didn't go away, they just changed. But what I have learned in the last year is as a mom as they start to pull away to not stop showing up, to not stop trying to hug and to not stop saying "I'm here" so that when they do need you - which they do - then you are right there.
Rachel Mary Stafford as helped me immensely in understanding how to parent, show up and understand big kids - I am currently re-reading her book Live Love Now with a group of 13 year old moms. So when it's your turn with big kids, I highly recommend!
Thank you for re/naming this very particular response to these small bodies we care for. I am a bit lost these days, flailing amidst the avalanche of fall events, changing schedules, and viruses-a-plenty. This is a reminder to me to heal out -- because there's nothing I love more than to help heal others so why not do it for myself too?! [wipes brow]
I really adore the phrase, "Mothers are keepers of bodies". It certainly applies perfectly to my own mother. Now Courtney captures its brilliance with unmatchable eloquence. Thank you! Now I must get Ross Gay's book because Courtney recommends it. DD
I will confess that when my babies were actual babies the management of their bodies, so based in instinct and non-verbal communication, totally stressed me out. But once they got a little older and could articulate how they were feeling inside, some hint of what they needed, there were few times sweeter for me as a mother than when they were sick. I would just stop everything and practice what I called the Ministry of Being With. You need to curl up on the couch and watch cartoons while I feed you sips of liquid and ply you with saltines, periodically flinging your arm out so that your hot, sweaty hand rests on my cheek? Let's do that. The rest of the world can go hang.
Now that they are teenagers we're mostly back to instinct and non-verbal communication. And no snuggling! I never imagined I would miss the closeness of their sweaty, feverish, heavy bodies, but I do.
The Ministry of Being With!!! Count me a newbie member.
Welcome! It's one of the things I felt like I excelled at as a mother, and it felt weirdly radical in this era of parenting that seems to be all about stewarding them through activities constantly. Feh! I wanted to be a mother, not a cruise director. I just want to keep them company while they grow up and learn how to be human beings with other human beings. I don't really care if they excel at anything else.
Me too! When my first was a baby I had never been so obsessed with poop. It was the only way I could know what is going on with the sleeping burrito.
And, hi Courtney, I have a 17, 8, 5 year old. And we were neck deep in this! Also once we get over something, a new cough/stomach ache/runny nose/pink eye... insert whatever ailment here... enters. Then we start over. Gah!
And mothers never stop being "keepers of bodies" ... and souls, no matter the age of the child. 💜
Care work and mothering are revolutionary acts in a broken, capitalist world. Thank you for capturing this so intimately.
Kudos to and admiration for all you parents and guardians of little bodies out there. May their caregivers be blessed with strength and brilliance. May those in need of healing experience renewal of body and renewal of spirit.
Even with big kids - who look you in the eye and bolt out the door without a goodbye hug or kiss, we are keepers of bodies too. I love this imagery of these words Courtney.
So hard to imagine not getting to hug them hello or goodbye every day. What a lesson that is going to be...
It's a slow, process, at least it was for us. A slow distancing - but the close moments didn't go away, they just changed. But what I have learned in the last year is as a mom as they start to pull away to not stop showing up, to not stop trying to hug and to not stop saying "I'm here" so that when they do need you - which they do - then you are right there.
That's calming! Thank you.
Rachel Mary Stafford as helped me immensely in understanding how to parent, show up and understand big kids - I am currently re-reading her book Live Love Now with a group of 13 year old moms. So when it's your turn with big kids, I highly recommend!
Thank you for re/naming this very particular response to these small bodies we care for. I am a bit lost these days, flailing amidst the avalanche of fall events, changing schedules, and viruses-a-plenty. This is a reminder to me to heal out -- because there's nothing I love more than to help heal others so why not do it for myself too?! [wipes brow]
I'm so so glad. Someone will be honored to show up for you.
I really adore the phrase, "Mothers are keepers of bodies". It certainly applies perfectly to my own mother. Now Courtney captures its brilliance with unmatchable eloquence. Thank you! Now I must get Ross Gay's book because Courtney recommends it. DD
You will love it, DD. Also his Book of Delights is, well, a delight of course. But a serious one.
Thank you for this stunning piece of writing-what a gift to my Mama heart today!