This is indeed important thinking. I don't like any image that tends to glorify putting ones own interests or one's children's interest above that of others. Might we call that attitude Exceptionalism? No ones child is actually more important than other people's children.
I was for many years a teacher. It is a huge job in the most ordinary of circumstances, teaching and working through all manner of issues with groups of children who bring their individual issues to school with them. In addition, because of the regular intensive interaction within the classroom, teachers tend to catch everything that goes around in the building. Everyone wants children back in in-person school, but it is important to consider the risk our preferences may load onto others. How would we feel if our own mothers were teaching in those buildings? If father were the school nurse?
I love Courtney too! Who wouldn’t after reading such an eloquent heartfelt message? I recommend as relevant the new novel by Jessamine Chen “The School for Good Mothers”.
The review in today’s NY Times(p.C2) makes an apt comment: “Chen poses a grim question: what happens to a person when she has no way to beat an intolerable system and no way to escape it?” Courtney’s powerful prose doesn’t give me nightmares but Chen’s novel did. Beware! Love as always, DD
I live just down the road from the Bear Whisperer, Ben Kilham and his bear sanctuary. There is a lot to be learned from these incredible creatures. The most moving to me is their deep level of compassion. When young bears reach a certain age they are driven off by the moms. Males must go further away to prevent inbreeding and females must go far enough to prevent food shortage. This is instinctive, but what floors me is that during a time of real food shortage as we had here in NH a few years ago, the mama bear will allow the daughters back to share whatever food there is. She will even allow non relative bears to share her resources. As you described the frustration and fears exhibited by mostly white people who have their routines and comfort levels uprooted with shut downs and home schooling requirements, it strikes me that is because we have lost our compassion for those who cannot not take on our children and their learning needs in ways that we prefer. Dartmouth College just announced that they are cutting back on safety measures, including shutting down Zoom, in the midst of rising Covid cases among students and instructors. This is an extreme example of white privilege that reflects the 'I shouldn't have to monitor or go out of my way to protect the young in my care.' As I reflect on the insanity of selfishness all around us, I would only ask that you find another example for the behavior exhibited by humans. Mama bears would never behave in ways we do.
Love this grounding in real bear behavior! I did read about it a bit when I was writing the piece and was intrigued to find that black bears and grizzly bears have very different mama bear energy. Thank you!
Ben is the black bear maven who has two fascinating books on his experience raising orphaned babies. Thank you for putting up with my response. Fondly, Sarahjane
I love you so much. You share all of yourself with us - your rage and your love and your weed gummies and your bad ass language and while I'm at a very different stage of life, as a white woman living in these times I connect with every word you write. You make me a better person. i love you.
So much of this resonates with me. A thought I continuously come back to these days: what if the men ceded their power? Looked around, found a woman working nearby, and gave her the wheel?
As a mom of teens in high school, I went into this in March 2020 with the "let's make the best of this" and "it will all be fine" as schools went online and my kids' lives dramatically changed with competitive sports stopping, music lessons.rehearsals stopping etc. Over the last 2 years, I have seen a dramatic change in my kids and their friends. They have missed out on some crucial life milestones, opportunities for growth and life defining experiences. We have seen too many kids attempt suicide, essentially drop out of school and completely change their plans. I have been lucky that my kids are 'ok; although who really knows the long term consequences that this will have on them. 2 years in, the mama bear in me is fighting for the collective to get the kids back to in person school. It is not just about me, my kids, or my privilege. With all due respect, parents of little kids have years to 'right' some of the consequences of the last 2 years. Parents of high school juniors and seniors may not have that.
This is indeed important thinking. I don't like any image that tends to glorify putting ones own interests or one's children's interest above that of others. Might we call that attitude Exceptionalism? No ones child is actually more important than other people's children.
I was for many years a teacher. It is a huge job in the most ordinary of circumstances, teaching and working through all manner of issues with groups of children who bring their individual issues to school with them. In addition, because of the regular intensive interaction within the classroom, teachers tend to catch everything that goes around in the building. Everyone wants children back in in-person school, but it is important to consider the risk our preferences may load onto others. How would we feel if our own mothers were teaching in those buildings? If father were the school nurse?
It's important, and necessary to name our privilege - and face its pernicious reality in our society - and its damaging consequences.
I love Courtney too! Who wouldn’t after reading such an eloquent heartfelt message? I recommend as relevant the new novel by Jessamine Chen “The School for Good Mothers”.
The review in today’s NY Times(p.C2) makes an apt comment: “Chen poses a grim question: what happens to a person when she has no way to beat an intolerable system and no way to escape it?” Courtney’s powerful prose doesn’t give me nightmares but Chen’s novel did. Beware! Love as always, DD
"looking for a car to lift"!! Oof, that really hit home (even as a person without kids of my own).
I live just down the road from the Bear Whisperer, Ben Kilham and his bear sanctuary. There is a lot to be learned from these incredible creatures. The most moving to me is their deep level of compassion. When young bears reach a certain age they are driven off by the moms. Males must go further away to prevent inbreeding and females must go far enough to prevent food shortage. This is instinctive, but what floors me is that during a time of real food shortage as we had here in NH a few years ago, the mama bear will allow the daughters back to share whatever food there is. She will even allow non relative bears to share her resources. As you described the frustration and fears exhibited by mostly white people who have their routines and comfort levels uprooted with shut downs and home schooling requirements, it strikes me that is because we have lost our compassion for those who cannot not take on our children and their learning needs in ways that we prefer. Dartmouth College just announced that they are cutting back on safety measures, including shutting down Zoom, in the midst of rising Covid cases among students and instructors. This is an extreme example of white privilege that reflects the 'I shouldn't have to monitor or go out of my way to protect the young in my care.' As I reflect on the insanity of selfishness all around us, I would only ask that you find another example for the behavior exhibited by humans. Mama bears would never behave in ways we do.
Love this grounding in real bear behavior! I did read about it a bit when I was writing the piece and was intrigued to find that black bears and grizzly bears have very different mama bear energy. Thank you!
Ben is the black bear maven who has two fascinating books on his experience raising orphaned babies. Thank you for putting up with my response. Fondly, Sarahjane
Love this piece. I'm not a parent but so appreciate reading your perspective on parenting from a community perspective.
Thank you for this!
I love you so much. You share all of yourself with us - your rage and your love and your weed gummies and your bad ass language and while I'm at a very different stage of life, as a white woman living in these times I connect with every word you write. You make me a better person. i love you.
Thank you Vicki! So appreciate being embraced at all the levels.
So much of this resonates with me. A thought I continuously come back to these days: what if the men ceded their power? Looked around, found a woman working nearby, and gave her the wheel?
Every word of this resonates, Courtney. Thank you.
As a mom of teens in high school, I went into this in March 2020 with the "let's make the best of this" and "it will all be fine" as schools went online and my kids' lives dramatically changed with competitive sports stopping, music lessons.rehearsals stopping etc. Over the last 2 years, I have seen a dramatic change in my kids and their friends. They have missed out on some crucial life milestones, opportunities for growth and life defining experiences. We have seen too many kids attempt suicide, essentially drop out of school and completely change their plans. I have been lucky that my kids are 'ok; although who really knows the long term consequences that this will have on them. 2 years in, the mama bear in me is fighting for the collective to get the kids back to in person school. It is not just about me, my kids, or my privilege. With all due respect, parents of little kids have years to 'right' some of the consequences of the last 2 years. Parents of high school juniors and seniors may not have that.