Woof. I feel like I'm learning by necessity how to parent a kid with a wildly up and down nervous system and then maybe I'll learn how to be kind to mine as it feels the whiplash of each outburst on our family ecosystem. I'm learning by necessity what it means to be a full time parent mostly alone in a place that is so full of mid career 9-5ers or super busy retirees! And by necessity, learning to discern what is truly mine, and what is drawing me forward.
I'm learning by attraction to listen to the trees, to give thanks for the warmth of the sunlight, to stay with the sweet healing of tears.
Thanks for the invitation. I hope I'm also still a sturdy tree in the midst of this breaking down season, it doesn't always feel like it! I have prayers for the calcification of wisdom in my roots...
Do you know about the baby shower activity where everyone writes funny quotes, well wishes, and supportive words on the back of baby diapers to help an overwhelmed exhausted mother in the middle of the night? I’m learning about receiving that kind of helpful energy as I care for an elder and work full time.
I’m learning about befriending my humanity and shadow side as last week I believed I was terrible daughter by thinking my mom outlived my capacity to care-give for her. I was hard for me to say out loud so that I could clear it. Turns out all I needed was sleep and a respite plan and that I don’t have to give up. I just need to let go. Learning the difference between time and energy, and how it is that I don’t waste energy. I’m learning the value between a need and want as well.
I’m learning to take care of myself again, and the importance of daily practices that help me to move into my heart clearly and how to sustain that..and what can happen when I do. I’m learning my mom anew with presence and not just a weary body after getting rest. It would be wonderful to collate a page a day calendar, specifically created for caregivers, with supportive quotes and to donate the proceeds for those who need both memory care or cancer care, or respite. Also,
Ha, I do not know about that baby shower activity (full disclosure: I am a monster who kind of hates wedding and baby showers). But I have thought a bit lately about how ritual is missing from taking on the elder caregiver role. Maybe we need to collectively invent one?
I relate so much to everything you said here. Please know you are not alone. Letting go is the mindset for this season, as is maintaining the foundational things you need to keep going (sleep, time in nature etc. etc.)
I have this journal called Inhale the future and Exhale the past that has a small but impactful list of questions each morning and evening. It feels like a life saver.
This is one of my most important disciplines for the devotional practice of caregiving for others and myself.
I also found so many rituals online by googling rituals of the caregiver to choose from. But one in particular felt right for me. I offer it to you. May the light in me honor the light in you and the light in the people we care for.
Here is one of my favorites:
Dear Courtney and all caregivers out there.
Imagine I am a community of people who love you.
Imagine those people giving you a basket.
In the gift basket, there is:
a large jar with water(I happen to have some moon water that I made which has been recently charged by the wolf moon from a separate monthly ritual): The water represents a blessing of remembrance, affirmation, that all life comes from water.
Pebbles: or small crystals: to be dropped into the water, symbolizing how actions can create far-reaching effects.
Candle: symbolizes light in the darkness, intention, or remembrances
Mirror: write encouraging words on the mirror with a watercolor marker.
This can be a simple way to replenish each day and refocus.
Think I’ll give my aura a quick intentional spray with that moon water. Lol
I am in the season of learning by necessity that I have to value myself, and from that position, advocate for myself. This learning has been a long time coming (I am 66 yo), and part of this learning is grieving all of the times in the past when I did not value myself enough to advocate (my retirement pension reflects this failure to value and advocate).
Thank you for this article. I get a lot from reading your column.
Thank you Courtney. You're right - it's never too late to grow and learn. (And I did successfully - just recently - value and advocate for myself in a part-time job I took post-retirement. It was really hard every step of the way, but I feel proud that I did it.)
My husband and I have long had the phrase AFGO as part of our lexicon, so I had to smile when reading your sentence about no one escaping another fucking growth opportunity.
I love the concept of learning by attraction and learning by necessity. As a parent of three 17-23 year old boys, I find watching a child work through the learning by necessity even more excruciating than struggling on my own behalf - such a challenge to discern when to offer assistance and when to get out of the way.
I think I've said this here before, but it's very applicable to your situation, so I will repeat....I was (mostly) single parenting my son when he was your boys' ages. A wise psychologist advised "Unless it is morally or life threatening, you don't say anything."
Parker’s comment is characteristically apt! Consider joining rabbi Sharon Kleinbaum’s call for resistance on January 20th. This is only the beginning of our nonviolent movement! DD
I live at the intersection of learning by attraction and by necessity.
My grandson, for whom I am a caretaker parts of six days a week and who is a quite extensive preoccupation even when I am not specifically in the saddle, has an extremely rare genetic disorder that is so rare that what we can hope for, and how to advance the possibility of good outcomes, are mostly unknown.
So we are continuously trying things out, based on what we do know, about normally developing or more familiarly disabled children.
The part of this that is by attraction is that I am a professional educator and used to working with professional educators, so I want to do my very best at this, to get better at this as I go, and to support my daughter's efforts as the mother.
I love how you are holding all the things you are learning of necessity in the light and valuing them (as you should). The University of Minnesota med school is now offering its students elective credit for work they are doing as caregivers of babies or parents. Because those skills are critical, and it’s about time they’re valued!
Greg Boyle: “go to the margins and the will be erased”
You taught us about intentionally living in community, now your voice and vocation is teaching us how to walk our elders home with dignity and how the US system is not set up to care for them and love them with ease.
I hope your voice brings momentum and change even in your local little community
I'd never thought of the difference between learning by attraction vs. learning by necessity. Excited to reflect on this when thinking about how my students approach learning in the classroom!
As a parent, despite all my best laid plans (ha!) my two big kids are both flying the nest at about the same time. My son (21) finally moved out in early November and my daughter (17) is graduating high school in the spring and almost immediately moving out to live full-time with friends. By necessity, I'm learning how to stay connected as we lead increasingly separate lives and how to process my feelings about leading increasingly separate lives.
Some of those feelings are tied up in staring down having no kids at home anymore. I'm trying to feel some anticipatory positive feeling about having the solitude to write more consistently and (gasp!) to date out of state. Like, I could just leave for a weekend without having to fit it within a custody/visitation schedule. What?!? That's great, right? It mostly makes me feel untethered, though, and a little panicked.
By attraction, I'm learning how to build out a narrative arc in my memoir, which I have no training for at all. Though plenty of people who do have that kind of formal training still struggle with it, so I'm telling myself it's just hard. Like navigating deep woods without any clear path. I have to slow W-A-Y down in order to listen deeply and read the subtle signs that are only within a few feet of me. Eventually, I'm trusting that I'll have forged a clear enough path that I can move forwards and backwards on it without losing my way, but right now it's a slow, deliberate, highly intuitive, unprecedented learning process.
Wow, that's a wild liminal moment you're in, Asha. Thanks for sharing it with us. Have you read Catherine Newman's Sandwich? Might be a balm right now.
Also struck how it's often a weird thing to realize that the freedom we are longing for is kind of scary when it finally arrives.
And check out Brooke Warner's work on memoir in case it's helpful. I think she has a podcast and substack.
"It turns out that there are some things that you learn simply because you are drawn to them and some things you learn only in moments when you absolutely have to, when your life slams into a season that demands something of you that you don’t know how to give." so 👏 true 👏
Once upon a time I was in a similar season as you are; a parent care team with another sibling! At the same time alongside my husband, I was raising our two grade school age children, and running my own business in the community we lived in. This was a season of learning by necessity, getting less rest, and stretching my physical body’s limit is. By the age of 39 both of my parents had passed. I had chronic back pain, displaced grief and was completely unaware that I was stuck on the “doing” train. It took quite some time to learn my free time could be balanced with joy and a more authentic way of being. That time, now 25 years later seems sooo removed from where I am today. Fully retired, simple responsibilities, and a new learning by attraction with watercolor paints. Not free of hard stuff, but mostly I’m experiencing living from a deeper sense of self and appreciating the luxury of this season, a true gift of Spirit. Thank you for your writing. It’s so good you are in this place of awareness of necessity and attraction as you find your way in your now. Keep making the sourdough! It’s an opportunity to go inside for a moment while you work the process. Big Love.
AH! This gives me SO much hope. Thank you for taking the time to write it. I keep trying to remind myself that "this too shall pass" but there's nothing like reading a real life version of it.
Woof. I feel like I'm learning by necessity how to parent a kid with a wildly up and down nervous system and then maybe I'll learn how to be kind to mine as it feels the whiplash of each outburst on our family ecosystem. I'm learning by necessity what it means to be a full time parent mostly alone in a place that is so full of mid career 9-5ers or super busy retirees! And by necessity, learning to discern what is truly mine, and what is drawing me forward.
I'm learning by attraction to listen to the trees, to give thanks for the warmth of the sunlight, to stay with the sweet healing of tears.
Thanks for the invitation. I hope I'm also still a sturdy tree in the midst of this breaking down season, it doesn't always feel like it! I have prayers for the calcification of wisdom in my roots...
"What is mine to do?" is such a HUGE question for us caregiving types. Sending you sunshine, solidarity, and a sense of your deep roots.
Do you know about the baby shower activity where everyone writes funny quotes, well wishes, and supportive words on the back of baby diapers to help an overwhelmed exhausted mother in the middle of the night? I’m learning about receiving that kind of helpful energy as I care for an elder and work full time.
I’m learning about befriending my humanity and shadow side as last week I believed I was terrible daughter by thinking my mom outlived my capacity to care-give for her. I was hard for me to say out loud so that I could clear it. Turns out all I needed was sleep and a respite plan and that I don’t have to give up. I just need to let go. Learning the difference between time and energy, and how it is that I don’t waste energy. I’m learning the value between a need and want as well.
I’m learning to take care of myself again, and the importance of daily practices that help me to move into my heart clearly and how to sustain that..and what can happen when I do. I’m learning my mom anew with presence and not just a weary body after getting rest. It would be wonderful to collate a page a day calendar, specifically created for caregivers, with supportive quotes and to donate the proceeds for those who need both memory care or cancer care, or respite. Also,
sending prayers for California 🙏
Ha, I do not know about that baby shower activity (full disclosure: I am a monster who kind of hates wedding and baby showers). But I have thought a bit lately about how ritual is missing from taking on the elder caregiver role. Maybe we need to collectively invent one?
I relate so much to everything you said here. Please know you are not alone. Letting go is the mindset for this season, as is maintaining the foundational things you need to keep going (sleep, time in nature etc. etc.)
Yes, a ritual.. I agree. I’ll be thinking about that. Maybe there are already some rituals out there. I’ll check into it..
Rituals for the caregiver:
I have this journal called Inhale the future and Exhale the past that has a small but impactful list of questions each morning and evening. It feels like a life saver.
This is one of my most important disciplines for the devotional practice of caregiving for others and myself.
I also found so many rituals online by googling rituals of the caregiver to choose from. But one in particular felt right for me. I offer it to you. May the light in me honor the light in you and the light in the people we care for.
Here is one of my favorites:
Dear Courtney and all caregivers out there.
Imagine I am a community of people who love you.
Imagine those people giving you a basket.
In the gift basket, there is:
a large jar with water(I happen to have some moon water that I made which has been recently charged by the wolf moon from a separate monthly ritual): The water represents a blessing of remembrance, affirmation, that all life comes from water.
Pebbles: or small crystals: to be dropped into the water, symbolizing how actions can create far-reaching effects.
Candle: symbolizes light in the darkness, intention, or remembrances
Mirror: write encouraging words on the mirror with a watercolor marker.
This can be a simple way to replenish each day and refocus.
Think I’ll give my aura a quick intentional spray with that moon water. Lol
Take good care everyone.
There are so many rituals out there. May you find what ever resonates with you and gives you a sense of peace and support.
Wow, thank you for this thoughtful idea Lindy. You are clearly gifted at ritual!
I am in the season of learning by necessity that I have to value myself, and from that position, advocate for myself. This learning has been a long time coming (I am 66 yo), and part of this learning is grieving all of the times in the past when I did not value myself enough to advocate (my retirement pension reflects this failure to value and advocate).
Thank you for this article. I get a lot from reading your column.
Wow, the grief is real, right? But also never too late. Holding both for you, alongside you. And for me.
Thank you Courtney. You're right - it's never too late to grow and learn. (And I did successfully - just recently - value and advocate for myself in a part-time job I took post-retirement. It was really hard every step of the way, but I feel proud that I did it.)
I'll hold both for you, too!
My husband and I have long had the phrase AFGO as part of our lexicon, so I had to smile when reading your sentence about no one escaping another fucking growth opportunity.
I love the concept of learning by attraction and learning by necessity. As a parent of three 17-23 year old boys, I find watching a child work through the learning by necessity even more excruciating than struggling on my own behalf - such a challenge to discern when to offer assistance and when to get out of the way.
I think I've said this here before, but it's very applicable to your situation, so I will repeat....I was (mostly) single parenting my son when he was your boys' ages. A wise psychologist advised "Unless it is morally or life threatening, you don't say anything."
Challenging?! oh, yeah. Excruciating?! definitely.
Yes...AFGO :)
Oh Terry! I'm sure you're right and it's so hard. Sending love to you both. Raising humane boys is such a huge calling for our times.
Parker’s comment is characteristically apt! Consider joining rabbi Sharon Kleinbaum’s call for resistance on January 20th. This is only the beginning of our nonviolent movement! DD
I live at the intersection of learning by attraction and by necessity.
My grandson, for whom I am a caretaker parts of six days a week and who is a quite extensive preoccupation even when I am not specifically in the saddle, has an extremely rare genetic disorder that is so rare that what we can hope for, and how to advance the possibility of good outcomes, are mostly unknown.
So we are continuously trying things out, based on what we do know, about normally developing or more familiarly disabled children.
The part of this that is by attraction is that I am a professional educator and used to working with professional educators, so I want to do my very best at this, to get better at this as I go, and to support my daughter's efforts as the mother.
This is such a beautiful way to frame it. Thank you. You've given me lots to think about.
I love how you are holding all the things you are learning of necessity in the light and valuing them (as you should). The University of Minnesota med school is now offering its students elective credit for work they are doing as caregivers of babies or parents. Because those skills are critical, and it’s about time they’re valued!
How cool is that?!
Stunning. Heart moving. Real life.
Greg Boyle: “go to the margins and the will be erased”
You taught us about intentionally living in community, now your voice and vocation is teaching us how to walk our elders home with dignity and how the US system is not set up to care for them and love them with ease.
I hope your voice brings momentum and change even in your local little community
Peace
I'd never thought of the difference between learning by attraction vs. learning by necessity. Excited to reflect on this when thinking about how my students approach learning in the classroom!
Oh cool! Would love to hear where it takes you.
As a parent, despite all my best laid plans (ha!) my two big kids are both flying the nest at about the same time. My son (21) finally moved out in early November and my daughter (17) is graduating high school in the spring and almost immediately moving out to live full-time with friends. By necessity, I'm learning how to stay connected as we lead increasingly separate lives and how to process my feelings about leading increasingly separate lives.
Some of those feelings are tied up in staring down having no kids at home anymore. I'm trying to feel some anticipatory positive feeling about having the solitude to write more consistently and (gasp!) to date out of state. Like, I could just leave for a weekend without having to fit it within a custody/visitation schedule. What?!? That's great, right? It mostly makes me feel untethered, though, and a little panicked.
By attraction, I'm learning how to build out a narrative arc in my memoir, which I have no training for at all. Though plenty of people who do have that kind of formal training still struggle with it, so I'm telling myself it's just hard. Like navigating deep woods without any clear path. I have to slow W-A-Y down in order to listen deeply and read the subtle signs that are only within a few feet of me. Eventually, I'm trusting that I'll have forged a clear enough path that I can move forwards and backwards on it without losing my way, but right now it's a slow, deliberate, highly intuitive, unprecedented learning process.
Wow, that's a wild liminal moment you're in, Asha. Thanks for sharing it with us. Have you read Catherine Newman's Sandwich? Might be a balm right now.
Also struck how it's often a weird thing to realize that the freedom we are longing for is kind of scary when it finally arrives.
And check out Brooke Warner's work on memoir in case it's helpful. I think she has a podcast and substack.
"It turns out that there are some things that you learn simply because you are drawn to them and some things you learn only in moments when you absolutely have to, when your life slams into a season that demands something of you that you don’t know how to give." so 👏 true 👏
I know you know "learning by necessity" oh-so-well Ruthie! Fun to see your name here. I'm so excited for your forthcoming book.
Once upon a time I was in a similar season as you are; a parent care team with another sibling! At the same time alongside my husband, I was raising our two grade school age children, and running my own business in the community we lived in. This was a season of learning by necessity, getting less rest, and stretching my physical body’s limit is. By the age of 39 both of my parents had passed. I had chronic back pain, displaced grief and was completely unaware that I was stuck on the “doing” train. It took quite some time to learn my free time could be balanced with joy and a more authentic way of being. That time, now 25 years later seems sooo removed from where I am today. Fully retired, simple responsibilities, and a new learning by attraction with watercolor paints. Not free of hard stuff, but mostly I’m experiencing living from a deeper sense of self and appreciating the luxury of this season, a true gift of Spirit. Thank you for your writing. It’s so good you are in this place of awareness of necessity and attraction as you find your way in your now. Keep making the sourdough! It’s an opportunity to go inside for a moment while you work the process. Big Love.
AH! This gives me SO much hope. Thank you for taking the time to write it. I keep trying to remind myself that "this too shall pass" but there's nothing like reading a real life version of it.
Our daily report:
Something lived and something learned.
With no need for grades.
Thank you, Courtney - as always.
thanks for this