Our house is filled with abandoned projects: a board game left halfway played on the living room rug, a million sheets of paper with one fourth of an imagined drawing, a plate with an artfully nibbled bagel and cream cheese.
Did I need to read this this morning when my poor older body is wracked with achiness from yesterday’s Moderna booster? Evidently yes. I can explain to myself and others why the longing for completion figures powerfully for many of us. But is it a self-friendly helpful fulfilling way to be in the world? Seems not as your words today resonate deeply in me. Thank you for yet another nudge. This one feels big. 💕
Yes! Children are such good teachers for this. Until my children were born I suffered under a tremendous delusion that I had control over what would happen in my life, that my plans and personal will were all the tools I needed to craft a reality that was good for me and everyone around me. It has taken many years of having my plans, both daily, small plans and future, lifetime-direction sorts of plans, get dropped or exploded spectacularly to start realizing that my capacity to keep showing up with openness and curiosity even when I have no freaking idea what is happening now or will happen later is the best thing, the most healing and loving thing, the godliest thing, for me and everyone around me.
I suspect I have such a strong ego the world has needed to knock me down over and over again, hard, in order to temper me fully. Someone else might not require being upended so thoroughly and repeatedly to soften, pay attention, and embrace humility, but that's not the one I am. But, god, if this second-half-of-life softness, humility, and curiosity isn't a sweet relief after the first half, which seemed ruled by grasping and fear and certainty. That shit was exhausting.
I'm reading this on the cusp of "finishing" my first manuscript and full of anxiety about the fact that it will never feel complete. This is just what I needed this morning. Thank you! (And that aloe!)
Was just having the thought process this morning while making my bed, in the same methodical way I do every day, re: how much of what many of us (I) got pats on the back/good grades/praise for as kids has to do with completion. And then also: how much of my personal growth as an adult has to do with de/reprogramming what I now instinctively consider to be productive and/or successful in order to arrive at that faraway place populated by people like your daughters. Thank you.🙏🏻
I've been playing a game this summer called Dates with Invisibles. An invisible (concept, idea, abstraction, discomfort, twitchiness...) arises and we go on a date, a good one -- as in, it's on the calendar, 1-2 hours blocked from interruptions, could involve food or drink or movement, no cell phone use or other rudeness, and has a slightly shy, excited feel to it going in, a feeling of mystery more than knowing what we're getting into on either side. Openness. These have been pretty amazing. But I'm feeling now the role that incompletion plays in this game, that the sheer openness and mystery and commitment to not making assumptions keeps me (us) pried wide open, allows for arisings of ideas and feelings that would otherwise stay in hiding, and that wash us up on the shore of the new hour, gasping and sandy and giggling and primed for the new.
I have been wrestling with impermanence. I hadn't realized that I, too, have a conviction about completion. It's the reason I get frustrated when the sink is full of dishes, again. When the flower bed is full of weeds, again. When the litterbox is full, again. Can I let go of this insistence that something be finished and stay that way? I have to. If I do not let go of this delusion, I am living in denial. Why is it so difficult then?
Thanks for this. I have the topic of my inability to complete projects as a future topic to write about and I will for sure link to what you wrote here. I constantly feel like a failure for not finishing things but I know I need to get over it. Pretty sure no one is judging me except me.
Ah so beautifully written. I also often think about how my daughter never completes anything but the truth is as you said, it doesn't matter. What matters is the doing and the present, nothing else. Also thank you for introducing me to Rachel Evans. A heartbreaking story and another reminder of the importance of now.
I read this as I stare at the French looming my 5 year old daughter will probably never finish and has me thinking of all the books I have started and abandoned/left unfinished. Why is it not okay for us as adults? This is so my M.O. yet I have no reverence for it. Thanks for helping me think I don't need to get it twisted. Incredibly profound.
Love this, Courtney! Such an important reminder that crossing things off a checklist is not living. As much as I rely on it, it's not even the key to doing a good job.
Did I need to read this this morning when my poor older body is wracked with achiness from yesterday’s Moderna booster? Evidently yes. I can explain to myself and others why the longing for completion figures powerfully for many of us. But is it a self-friendly helpful fulfilling way to be in the world? Seems not as your words today resonate deeply in me. Thank you for yet another nudge. This one feels big. 💕
Rest well!
Yes! Children are such good teachers for this. Until my children were born I suffered under a tremendous delusion that I had control over what would happen in my life, that my plans and personal will were all the tools I needed to craft a reality that was good for me and everyone around me. It has taken many years of having my plans, both daily, small plans and future, lifetime-direction sorts of plans, get dropped or exploded spectacularly to start realizing that my capacity to keep showing up with openness and curiosity even when I have no freaking idea what is happening now or will happen later is the best thing, the most healing and loving thing, the godliest thing, for me and everyone around me.
I suspect I have such a strong ego the world has needed to knock me down over and over again, hard, in order to temper me fully. Someone else might not require being upended so thoroughly and repeatedly to soften, pay attention, and embrace humility, but that's not the one I am. But, god, if this second-half-of-life softness, humility, and curiosity isn't a sweet relief after the first half, which seemed ruled by grasping and fear and certainty. That shit was exhausting.
I wrote more about that learning through my children here. An offering: https://ashasanaker.substack.com/p/rites-of-passage
I'm reading this on the cusp of "finishing" my first manuscript and full of anxiety about the fact that it will never feel complete. This is just what I needed this morning. Thank you! (And that aloe!)
Oh yes yes yes. Never written a book I didn’t want to re-write three times over. Solidarity!
Was just having the thought process this morning while making my bed, in the same methodical way I do every day, re: how much of what many of us (I) got pats on the back/good grades/praise for as kids has to do with completion. And then also: how much of my personal growth as an adult has to do with de/reprogramming what I now instinctively consider to be productive and/or successful in order to arrive at that faraway place populated by people like your daughters. Thank you.🙏🏻
Yes! So much of our education system and parenting advice is about completion.
I've been playing a game this summer called Dates with Invisibles. An invisible (concept, idea, abstraction, discomfort, twitchiness...) arises and we go on a date, a good one -- as in, it's on the calendar, 1-2 hours blocked from interruptions, could involve food or drink or movement, no cell phone use or other rudeness, and has a slightly shy, excited feel to it going in, a feeling of mystery more than knowing what we're getting into on either side. Openness. These have been pretty amazing. But I'm feeling now the role that incompletion plays in this game, that the sheer openness and mystery and commitment to not making assumptions keeps me (us) pried wide open, allows for arisings of ideas and feelings that would otherwise stay in hiding, and that wash us up on the shore of the new hour, gasping and sandy and giggling and primed for the new.
Oh my goodness, I want to read so much more about this! Can you give us some examples of some dates you’ve been on?!
Bagel as sacrament, breakfast as offering, daily necessity as ritual. This I can very much get behind. Thank you.
I have been wrestling with impermanence. I hadn't realized that I, too, have a conviction about completion. It's the reason I get frustrated when the sink is full of dishes, again. When the flower bed is full of weeds, again. When the litterbox is full, again. Can I let go of this insistence that something be finished and stay that way? I have to. If I do not let go of this delusion, I am living in denial. Why is it so difficult then?
Thank you for inspiring this reflection.
I forgot about the eternal return of the unfinished! Such a good angle on all of this. Thank you.
Thanks for this. I have the topic of my inability to complete projects as a future topic to write about and I will for sure link to what you wrote here. I constantly feel like a failure for not finishing things but I know I need to get over it. Pretty sure no one is judging me except me.
Courtney, I love your writing. Thank you for sharing your gift with us.
Ah so beautifully written. I also often think about how my daughter never completes anything but the truth is as you said, it doesn't matter. What matters is the doing and the present, nothing else. Also thank you for introducing me to Rachel Evans. A heartbreaking story and another reminder of the importance of now.
I read this as I stare at the French looming my 5 year old daughter will probably never finish and has me thinking of all the books I have started and abandoned/left unfinished. Why is it not okay for us as adults? This is so my M.O. yet I have no reverence for it. Thanks for helping me think I don't need to get it twisted. Incredibly profound.
I am still learning not to finish books that I'm not loving. So hard for me. We can do this together!
Love this, Courtney! Such an important reminder that crossing things off a checklist is not living. As much as I rely on it, it's not even the key to doing a good job.
Damn. Too true. Love everything about this.