Courtney’s steam of inspiration flows on, moving us to greater reflection and hopefully self awareness. I’m in my mid 80’s, turning 86 next week, so there’s even more memories and sense of gratification to have made it this far, with my spouse of 63 years.
Together we love life as Courtney does and certainly feel no need to see Disneyland—again. We would like to return to Kathmandu where we met in 1960, and show its wonders to our four grandchildren.
Our main desire is having enough good health to travel around the world again, urging people to do more, because that tends to break down illusions of Otherness, the big barrier to gaining a spirit of common humanity.
Keep writing these gems Courtney: we count on your eloquent insights! DD
I'm 52. My two are 16 and nearly 21. My marriage to their dad ended when I was 40, so I got a lot of (unexpected) practice in remembering what it was to live and move and breathe again as myself and not just their mom 24/7. Honestly, I think it made me a much better mother. It's also true that when I was in the thick of 24/7 mothering-- managing feeding and bedtime and homework and feelings and squabbles-- I couldn't imagine ever getting back to any self that resembled my pre-kid self. And the reality is that I've never gotten back to her, but some of the freedom of movement and focus that she had has returned as they have become increasingly separate from me, only now it is informed by all the depth that they've required of me and IT'S BETTER. I never would have imagined, but it's so much better than being my pre-kid self. She had great fashion sense, was maybe a little more adventurous and less risk averse (her ass was glorious!), but I much prefer being myself now.
This one hit me deeply. At 71 years old and retired, I have recently been reflecting on all of the many phases of my life, all mixed up together and overlapping and yet feeling like I am looking through the same 40 year old eyes (sometimes younger, sometimes older, but hardly ever the over seventy year old eyes I see in the mirror).
I just read the book The Midnight Library. It's about a woman dissatisfied with her current life and getting the opportunity to see her life at different phases after making choices along the way. Very entertaining and thought provoking.
Thanks again Courtney for your ability to write in such a way that speaks to me.
I love that book so much! It kept me sane postpartum when it felt like my reality has taken a drastic shift and I was mourning all the other realities. Now I always think about different lives where I am a different person, and I swear it gives me peace knowing there's some alternative reality (even if those don't really exist) where I lived that other life.
It's so important to enter trap doors to the past versions of ourselves. For reflection, for honoring, for acknowledging, and for cultivating the deep gratitude we have for our current present selves 🤍
Courtney, this is so gooey and gorgeous. I can feel it. I love this, "swollen stage of life" what a fabulous way to describe it. And this place of loving our current lives while missing our former ones. I've been noticing lately how I deeply want the lifestyle I had with the dog-love of my life who died two years ago, and also how deeply I want the life I have right now that doesn't have room for that kind of time and energy I'm just sitting with the understanding that there is always more than one reality we're witnessing - what was, what is, what will or might be. Is it the contrast of the two that makes them both so poignant?
yes! That feels similar to a conversation I'm having with another writer here on Substack @susie Kaufman, about caring for ourselves while holding all the darkness (and light) of being human. A both/and thing.
I really loved this. I love everything you write. The layers are interesting though. My children are a bit older than yours (almost 15 and almost 11) and last night, for the first time ever, everybody in our family was out doing something separate and different, and that was neat to think about too, how much more independence I have now than I had five years ago, how wonderful, joyful and exciting it is to see my children putting their own selves into the world. (It also made me happy we live in a city so that my eldest could make her way home on public transit and I didn't need to be responsible for that...) I like getting to have my own self alongside their own burgeoning identities. It's kind of the whole reason I signed up for this gig...
Oh, this happens to my 46 year old self so often...the ”timeline curled over and lined up ever so briefly.” ✨ As I’ve been reading over last year’s morning pages, I found a passage echoing your thoughts:
12.31.23
I whined to my daughters yesterday morning that I don’t want this life - don’t want dog vomit + spilled coconut water + dirty dishes + tiny bugs + a hungry mother-in-law + a headache…but what else is there? Along with those things I had a warm sweater, a perfect dream house, fluffy scrambled eggs, hot coffee, a hot shower, clean clothes, girls who stepped in to help with the tasks and played lovingly together - giggles floating down the hallway…abundance. 💕
Ah….. the lament of the working mother. You are finding that you can have it all,just in smaller amounts. Yes,sometimes the dad gets to be the hero. If you are lucky,you get to repeat Disneyland as a grandmother.
Wonderful post for all of us, no matter the age. I am 71 and my granddaughters are only one and three. I realize that I may not be around when they are young adults let alone in their 40s!. So, I am writing a series of "letters to my granddaughters". Each letter stands alone, yet I imagine they will get a sense of my life. One of my recent letters is called "Who WERE you at 30 years old?". In that letter, I describe who I was at 30, what happened that year, and how it turned out as I look back. I like to imagine that they will treasure these letters. I wish I had life letters from my own mother and my grandmother. I suppose I'm giftting what I wish I had.
Here's to both of those selves, genius and monster. I, too, bailed on Disney World when my then-husband took the kids. It was glorious not to be there. And it is still glorious, the greatest luxury I allow myself infrequently, to spend the day in bed with a book. Favorite descriptive in this piece: "this swollen phase of life." You are overflowing.
Courtney’s steam of inspiration flows on, moving us to greater reflection and hopefully self awareness. I’m in my mid 80’s, turning 86 next week, so there’s even more memories and sense of gratification to have made it this far, with my spouse of 63 years.
Together we love life as Courtney does and certainly feel no need to see Disneyland—again. We would like to return to Kathmandu where we met in 1960, and show its wonders to our four grandchildren.
Our main desire is having enough good health to travel around the world again, urging people to do more, because that tends to break down illusions of Otherness, the big barrier to gaining a spirit of common humanity.
Keep writing these gems Courtney: we count on your eloquent insights! DD
I'm 52. My two are 16 and nearly 21. My marriage to their dad ended when I was 40, so I got a lot of (unexpected) practice in remembering what it was to live and move and breathe again as myself and not just their mom 24/7. Honestly, I think it made me a much better mother. It's also true that when I was in the thick of 24/7 mothering-- managing feeding and bedtime and homework and feelings and squabbles-- I couldn't imagine ever getting back to any self that resembled my pre-kid self. And the reality is that I've never gotten back to her, but some of the freedom of movement and focus that she had has returned as they have become increasingly separate from me, only now it is informed by all the depth that they've required of me and IT'S BETTER. I never would have imagined, but it's so much better than being my pre-kid self. She had great fashion sense, was maybe a little more adventurous and less risk averse (her ass was glorious!), but I much prefer being myself now.
I love this Asha. Puts me in conversation with my future self!
This one hit me deeply. At 71 years old and retired, I have recently been reflecting on all of the many phases of my life, all mixed up together and overlapping and yet feeling like I am looking through the same 40 year old eyes (sometimes younger, sometimes older, but hardly ever the over seventy year old eyes I see in the mirror).
I just read the book The Midnight Library. It's about a woman dissatisfied with her current life and getting the opportunity to see her life at different phases after making choices along the way. Very entertaining and thought provoking.
Thanks again Courtney for your ability to write in such a way that speaks to me.
Laurie
Thank you Laurie! I've read that novel. It was so enjoyable. You're an amazing model for me or living a vibrant life at all the ages.
I love that book so much! It kept me sane postpartum when it felt like my reality has taken a drastic shift and I was mourning all the other realities. Now I always think about different lives where I am a different person, and I swear it gives me peace knowing there's some alternative reality (even if those don't really exist) where I lived that other life.
Getting a definite Matryoshka doll vibe here ! At 65, there are times when everything up until now seems like dream. So many lives.
It's so important to enter trap doors to the past versions of ourselves. For reflection, for honoring, for acknowledging, and for cultivating the deep gratitude we have for our current present selves 🤍
Courtney, this is so gooey and gorgeous. I can feel it. I love this, "swollen stage of life" what a fabulous way to describe it. And this place of loving our current lives while missing our former ones. I've been noticing lately how I deeply want the lifestyle I had with the dog-love of my life who died two years ago, and also how deeply I want the life I have right now that doesn't have room for that kind of time and energy I'm just sitting with the understanding that there is always more than one reality we're witnessing - what was, what is, what will or might be. Is it the contrast of the two that makes them both so poignant?
The contrast, yes. Fun to have appreciation for aspects of all the seasons while also acknowledging what isn’t easy, too.
yes! That feels similar to a conversation I'm having with another writer here on Substack @susie Kaufman, about caring for ourselves while holding all the darkness (and light) of being human. A both/and thing.
I really loved this. I love everything you write. The layers are interesting though. My children are a bit older than yours (almost 15 and almost 11) and last night, for the first time ever, everybody in our family was out doing something separate and different, and that was neat to think about too, how much more independence I have now than I had five years ago, how wonderful, joyful and exciting it is to see my children putting their own selves into the world. (It also made me happy we live in a city so that my eldest could make her way home on public transit and I didn't need to be responsible for that...) I like getting to have my own self alongside their own burgeoning identities. It's kind of the whole reason I signed up for this gig...
Oh, this happens to my 46 year old self so often...the ”timeline curled over and lined up ever so briefly.” ✨ As I’ve been reading over last year’s morning pages, I found a passage echoing your thoughts:
12.31.23
I whined to my daughters yesterday morning that I don’t want this life - don’t want dog vomit + spilled coconut water + dirty dishes + tiny bugs + a hungry mother-in-law + a headache…but what else is there? Along with those things I had a warm sweater, a perfect dream house, fluffy scrambled eggs, hot coffee, a hot shower, clean clothes, girls who stepped in to help with the tasks and played lovingly together - giggles floating down the hallway…abundance. 💕
Love this! Thanks for sharing.
Ah….. the lament of the working mother. You are finding that you can have it all,just in smaller amounts. Yes,sometimes the dad gets to be the hero. If you are lucky,you get to repeat Disneyland as a grandmother.
Ah yes, may it be so. Love you Pammy.
This was so perfect. Thank you for writing it!
love love love this.
Wonderful post for all of us, no matter the age. I am 71 and my granddaughters are only one and three. I realize that I may not be around when they are young adults let alone in their 40s!. So, I am writing a series of "letters to my granddaughters". Each letter stands alone, yet I imagine they will get a sense of my life. One of my recent letters is called "Who WERE you at 30 years old?". In that letter, I describe who I was at 30, what happened that year, and how it turned out as I look back. I like to imagine that they will treasure these letters. I wish I had life letters from my own mother and my grandmother. I suppose I'm giftting what I wish I had.
Oh my gosh, Mary Lou, this sounds amazing. I wish my grandmas had written letters like this to me! What a beautiful effort.
This is so lovely
This writing really moved me. ❤️
Here's to both of those selves, genius and monster. I, too, bailed on Disney World when my then-husband took the kids. It was glorious not to be there. And it is still glorious, the greatest luxury I allow myself infrequently, to spend the day in bed with a book. Favorite descriptive in this piece: "this swollen phase of life." You are overflowing.
Thank you, Kathryn. Nice to know I'm in such amazing company.
LOVE this!