Can confirm your piece hit me right where I'm hurting and I felt possibility in hearing you say it out loud. Audre Lorde's "Sister Outsider" especially the piece "The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action". bellhooks's "All About Love: New Visions" and the rest of the trilogy "Communion: The Female Search for Love" and "Salvation: Black People and Love". Sonya Renee Taylor's "My Body is Not an Apology". Angela Garbe's "Essential Labor".
Courtney's invitation to suggest BIPOC+ experts prompts me to recommend the work of Prof. James Tully of the University of Victoria, B.C., Canada.
He has focused on the experience of Indigenous peoples of North America since he served as special advisor to Canada's Royal Commission on Aboriginal Peoples from 1991-95, and wrote a pathbreaking study entitled "Strange Multiplicity: Constitutionalism in an Age of Diversity" (1995).
I discovered his writings through his edition of Richard Gregg's classic, "The Power of Nonviolence." (2018). His commitment to the rights and well being of Original peoples is the most outstanding of any political philosopher. Please look at the books of this remarkable scholar! DD
Nedra Glover Tawwab, a Black femme, is author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace (and an accompanying workbook), has a wonderful Instagram feed (and I think TikTok, too) of video essays speaking to just these topics.
Bought the book to support the author. Haven’t actually read it yet. I have found her videos to be often timely and usually thought-provoking. I have a lot of 30-something women-identified folks in my life and I often send videos that speak directly to issues they struggle with in the workplace and in relationships. Those folks are also grateful for Nedra’s work.
Hi, Courtney. LOVING this line of inquiry. Thank you for the courage to do this soul work so publicly — especially as a woman and a mother from whom such things are culturally rewarded and expected. This normalizes my shared wish to "decline to perform." (Emily Nagosky). Such action makes way for true generosity, true giving, to arise.
To your request for teachers/authors of color whose work speaks directly to this, I would enthusiastically recommend Lama Rod Owens' work, especially his book, "Love and Rage." He's queer, Black, and uniquely gifted in his ability to pierce straight to the heart of the matter. He's been there, done it, and is still doing it — leading by example.
I love the notion that we must rebuild trust with ourselves first. I am experiencing that first hand but hadn't really had words to describe it. Alex Elle is a BIPOC voice who has influenced me greatly as a woman, a mother, and someone healing generational trauma. She has a new book coming out called How We Heal. You can find her at https://www.alexelle.com/ and substack at https://alexelle.substack.com/.
What a beautiful, poignant and sorrowful piece. Sorrowful in that I can feel in my bones all the ways my matriarchal lineage yearned for something sane and whole too and didn't have the resources to make it possible. I think it's helpful to realize that this isn't a "syndrome" or something personal to an individual or the role of mothering ... it's the inevitable way of being of the dominating culture. And, it lives through us in ever so subtle ways. Colonialism taught us to separate and dominate, from each other, from nature, and from our inner life. Modernity extended this to create the primacy of the rational mind (the least reliable and trustworthy of our intelligences and therefore the easiest to manipulate). Part of the story of separation and domination is the story of women as unreliable and "emotional" and men as "unemotional" and the key roles of mothers and fathers play in teaching their young this story. The work of Dr. Elizabeth Debold, co-author of Mother Daughter Revolution (from the 90's) was a key stepping stone for me in the journey of depersonalizing and seeing how I was perpetuating this.
The organization Walden Wise (www.waldenwise.org) is really helping to empower caring adults in their responsibility to create the emotional health of kids. As they point out, it's more than parents being self-responsible (although that's so critical), it's educating ourselves about how we can very purposefully teach our children emotional health skills in the context of a community of other caring adults who are also trying to find their way (because there is no one way out of this cultural mess).
I do believe that healthy boundaries are inherently tied to this question, however, from within the context of the dominating culture boundaries mark a distinction of my personal space, how to live a better life from within the dominating culture and claim what one personally needs. Whereas in the context of a kincentric culture, boundaries are a fluid and situational dance and at their heart about fostering connection and beauty. They're about making strong community so that everyone thrives. I see this first hand every day with the herd of horses I live with ... boundaries for them are essential to tending to the health of the herd and each member. They are also essential to the ways in which they dynamically and situationally share leadership.
There is so much to be learned from Indigenous teachers who still have a living memory of their cultural values and ways of being. And such a fine line between appropriating and learning (I mean, those of us well steeped in colonialism appropriate as easily as we blink our eyes). One book I've recently been savouring is "Restoring the Kinship Worldview" by Wahinkpe Topa and Darcia Narvaez, PhD. They offer 28 precepts for rebalancing life on planet earth and it's really helped me explore how emotional health is so tied to healing and creating a new culture based on rebalancing and kinship.
We're making progress (and I love your blog because I feel a kinship of exploration), and as Tyson Yunkaporta speaks about, we'll need 'transitional cultures' to make lasting change. We have to be in it for the very long game.
I also JUST got a book called Real Self-Care: A Transformative program for redefining wellness (crystals, cleanses and bubble baths not included) by
Pooja Lakshmin that looks wonderful, and recently read “The Sugar Jar: Create Boundaries, Embrace Self-Healing, and Enjoy the Sweet Things in Life” by Yasmine Cheyenne and that was a great read.
Can confirm your piece hit me right where I'm hurting and I felt possibility in hearing you say it out loud. Audre Lorde's "Sister Outsider" especially the piece "The Transformation of Silence into Language and Action". bellhooks's "All About Love: New Visions" and the rest of the trilogy "Communion: The Female Search for Love" and "Salvation: Black People and Love". Sonya Renee Taylor's "My Body is Not an Apology". Angela Garbe's "Essential Labor".
Some of my faves in here. Thank you!
Courtney's invitation to suggest BIPOC+ experts prompts me to recommend the work of Prof. James Tully of the University of Victoria, B.C., Canada.
He has focused on the experience of Indigenous peoples of North America since he served as special advisor to Canada's Royal Commission on Aboriginal Peoples from 1991-95, and wrote a pathbreaking study entitled "Strange Multiplicity: Constitutionalism in an Age of Diversity" (1995).
I discovered his writings through his edition of Richard Gregg's classic, "The Power of Nonviolence." (2018). His commitment to the rights and well being of Original peoples is the most outstanding of any political philosopher. Please look at the books of this remarkable scholar! DD
Nedra Glover Tawwab, a Black femme, is author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace (and an accompanying workbook), has a wonderful Instagram feed (and I think TikTok, too) of video essays speaking to just these topics.
I was just going to suggest her!!!
I just came here to recommend Nedra as well!
I did read that book but didn't get a ton out of it. Curious what you all liked most?
Coming from an abusive family, the book helped me to identify catchphrases and signals I can repeat to myself -- a lexicon for setting boundaries.
Bought the book to support the author. Haven’t actually read it yet. I have found her videos to be often timely and usually thought-provoking. I have a lot of 30-something women-identified folks in my life and I often send videos that speak directly to issues they struggle with in the workplace and in relationships. Those folks are also grateful for Nedra’s work.
Nedra's book was a game-changer for me. My three biggest take-aways:
1. Setting boundaries will make you feel guilt. Period. So accept that and recognize it as a normal part of the process
2. Saying no to someone else is saying yes to yourself
3. Family are the hardest people to set boundaries with. I find this important to remember just to validate the difficulty when it happens in my life.
Hi, Courtney. LOVING this line of inquiry. Thank you for the courage to do this soul work so publicly — especially as a woman and a mother from whom such things are culturally rewarded and expected. This normalizes my shared wish to "decline to perform." (Emily Nagosky). Such action makes way for true generosity, true giving, to arise.
To your request for teachers/authors of color whose work speaks directly to this, I would enthusiastically recommend Lama Rod Owens' work, especially his book, "Love and Rage." He's queer, Black, and uniquely gifted in his ability to pierce straight to the heart of the matter. He's been there, done it, and is still doing it — leading by example.
I just learned about his work from another friend. So great to know he also speaks to you.
I love the notion that we must rebuild trust with ourselves first. I am experiencing that first hand but hadn't really had words to describe it. Alex Elle is a BIPOC voice who has influenced me greatly as a woman, a mother, and someone healing generational trauma. She has a new book coming out called How We Heal. You can find her at https://www.alexelle.com/ and substack at https://alexelle.substack.com/.
Oh wonderful. Thanks for the heads up.
What a beautiful, poignant and sorrowful piece. Sorrowful in that I can feel in my bones all the ways my matriarchal lineage yearned for something sane and whole too and didn't have the resources to make it possible. I think it's helpful to realize that this isn't a "syndrome" or something personal to an individual or the role of mothering ... it's the inevitable way of being of the dominating culture. And, it lives through us in ever so subtle ways. Colonialism taught us to separate and dominate, from each other, from nature, and from our inner life. Modernity extended this to create the primacy of the rational mind (the least reliable and trustworthy of our intelligences and therefore the easiest to manipulate). Part of the story of separation and domination is the story of women as unreliable and "emotional" and men as "unemotional" and the key roles of mothers and fathers play in teaching their young this story. The work of Dr. Elizabeth Debold, co-author of Mother Daughter Revolution (from the 90's) was a key stepping stone for me in the journey of depersonalizing and seeing how I was perpetuating this.
The organization Walden Wise (www.waldenwise.org) is really helping to empower caring adults in their responsibility to create the emotional health of kids. As they point out, it's more than parents being self-responsible (although that's so critical), it's educating ourselves about how we can very purposefully teach our children emotional health skills in the context of a community of other caring adults who are also trying to find their way (because there is no one way out of this cultural mess).
I do believe that healthy boundaries are inherently tied to this question, however, from within the context of the dominating culture boundaries mark a distinction of my personal space, how to live a better life from within the dominating culture and claim what one personally needs. Whereas in the context of a kincentric culture, boundaries are a fluid and situational dance and at their heart about fostering connection and beauty. They're about making strong community so that everyone thrives. I see this first hand every day with the herd of horses I live with ... boundaries for them are essential to tending to the health of the herd and each member. They are also essential to the ways in which they dynamically and situationally share leadership.
There is so much to be learned from Indigenous teachers who still have a living memory of their cultural values and ways of being. And such a fine line between appropriating and learning (I mean, those of us well steeped in colonialism appropriate as easily as we blink our eyes). One book I've recently been savouring is "Restoring the Kinship Worldview" by Wahinkpe Topa and Darcia Narvaez, PhD. They offer 28 precepts for rebalancing life on planet earth and it's really helped me explore how emotional health is so tied to healing and creating a new culture based on rebalancing and kinship.
We're making progress (and I love your blog because I feel a kinship of exploration), and as Tyson Yunkaporta speaks about, we'll need 'transitional cultures' to make lasting change. We have to be in it for the very long game.
Thank you for sharing these Indigenous voices.
I also JUST got a book called Real Self-Care: A Transformative program for redefining wellness (crystals, cleanses and bubble baths not included) by
Pooja Lakshmin that looks wonderful, and recently read “The Sugar Jar: Create Boundaries, Embrace Self-Healing, and Enjoy the Sweet Things in Life” by Yasmine Cheyenne and that was a great read.
YES! About to do a Q&A with Pooja. I love when we're all on the same page.
I wrote about it more coherently here: https://shagufta.substack.com/p/on-extending-grace-inward-and-outward but in essence liked her discussion of boundaries with self
Oh great, thank you. I look forward to reading.
One more to add: Dr. Christena Cleveland and her brilliant work on Shameless Liberation.
The content and timing of this is so appreciated-I am now reading Mara Glatzel's book Needy and I am relating to each and every page!