Speaking of generational trauma, which you partly were, makes me think of my mother, and by extension, my own mothering. My mom grew up with a dad who was an alcoholic and a gambler, but also with a mom who exemplified the expectation of women to deny and keep it moving. My grandmother famously told me once that my grandfather wasn't an …
Speaking of generational trauma, which you partly were, makes me think of my mother, and by extension, my own mothering. My mom grew up with a dad who was an alcoholic and a gambler, but also with a mom who exemplified the expectation of women to deny and keep it moving. My grandmother famously told me once that my grandfather wasn't an alcoholic because he "never drank in the house." And my mother has finally reflected in more recent years that growing up in that environment taught her that there was no use wasting emotional energy on things you can't fix (like your dad being a drunk), so you just stuffed down whatever complicated feelings you might have about it and "took care of business."
This made my mom someone who had no patience at all for excessive emotion, or "drama" as it is so often named. Our family was, to put it mildly, heartbreaking. Generational addiction and unresolved anger everywhere. But we were never allowed to talk about it because that wasn't "taking care of business."
With my own children I have, as a result, endeavored to create a different expectation, for them and for me. They are allowed to have all their feelings, as am I. When my feelings make me behave in ways that are sub-optimal I have always been quick to take responsibility and apologize and talk with them about the reality of big feelings and how we have to behave in the wake of our emotions getting away from us. My children have extended me tremendous grace over the years of us growing up together and I will never not be grateful, as humbling as it has been sometimes to need it. I have also tried my best to extend constant grace to them as they feel all their feelings, which isn't easy. Sometimes I can feel my mother rise up in me-- that sense of overwhelm in the face of all of it, the desire to just make them stop so they won't trigger my own big feelings by shutting them down and insisting they simply do what needs doing (silently, preferably). I have to take deep breaths and remind myself why I committed to making things different for them. They are 15 and 19 now and I am still working on it.
What deep work to stay awake and do it differently, Asha. Thank you for sharing it here. I am amazed at how much grace my kids extend me. They are so generous when I apologize to them. It's taught me a lot about apology.
Speaking of generational trauma, which you partly were, makes me think of my mother, and by extension, my own mothering. My mom grew up with a dad who was an alcoholic and a gambler, but also with a mom who exemplified the expectation of women to deny and keep it moving. My grandmother famously told me once that my grandfather wasn't an alcoholic because he "never drank in the house." And my mother has finally reflected in more recent years that growing up in that environment taught her that there was no use wasting emotional energy on things you can't fix (like your dad being a drunk), so you just stuffed down whatever complicated feelings you might have about it and "took care of business."
This made my mom someone who had no patience at all for excessive emotion, or "drama" as it is so often named. Our family was, to put it mildly, heartbreaking. Generational addiction and unresolved anger everywhere. But we were never allowed to talk about it because that wasn't "taking care of business."
With my own children I have, as a result, endeavored to create a different expectation, for them and for me. They are allowed to have all their feelings, as am I. When my feelings make me behave in ways that are sub-optimal I have always been quick to take responsibility and apologize and talk with them about the reality of big feelings and how we have to behave in the wake of our emotions getting away from us. My children have extended me tremendous grace over the years of us growing up together and I will never not be grateful, as humbling as it has been sometimes to need it. I have also tried my best to extend constant grace to them as they feel all their feelings, which isn't easy. Sometimes I can feel my mother rise up in me-- that sense of overwhelm in the face of all of it, the desire to just make them stop so they won't trigger my own big feelings by shutting them down and insisting they simply do what needs doing (silently, preferably). I have to take deep breaths and remind myself why I committed to making things different for them. They are 15 and 19 now and I am still working on it.
What deep work to stay awake and do it differently, Asha. Thank you for sharing it here. I am amazed at how much grace my kids extend me. They are so generous when I apologize to them. It's taught me a lot about apology.