Oh, Courtney, I'm so sorry for all of you, trying to care so carefully and lovingly for your dad and being met with such a lack of grace. The thing that occurs to me, which doesn't excuse the mansplaining at all, is I would guess the cranky neighbors are of an age where they're staring down their own mortality and impending need for care, which is terrifying for many of us. Judging you is easier than confronting that someday it may be them wandering about and peeing on the lawn. Which doesn't make absorbing their misguided projection any easier but makes your grace for them righteous (in the best sense of that word).
I am holding you all in the Light, like a vulnerable, restless field mouse finally asleep in the flower of God's hand.
So often those kinds of judgments portray a desire to protect yourself against catastrophe or pain, as if you can control for them if you're wound tightly enough. Not that I've ever done anything like that [ahem]...
I am so sorry. I think of your mother with love and concern everyday, because I remember my father's experience taking care of my mother. I feel for you and you family and brother's family- the whole Team Papa Martin.
Years ago some sort of enforcement agent appeared at my door because someone had reported my elderly neighbor across the street for 'imprisoning' her husband, who was seen feeling all over the street facing window as if trying to escape.
I didn't know them at the time, but of course he had dementia and it would have been unsafe for him to let him wander on our busy street.
You did what you could. You cannot all be on duty all the time. People who might ordinarily be thoughtful and patient are unraveling now, and people who never were very thoughtful are, and have always been, part of the mix.
I am so sorry for your father's agitation and know he is receiving the best possible care with all of you on the team.
Courtney- You are a grace operative to the nth degree! Grace-making is the opposite of stress-making. My experiences of extreme care-giving through family mental health deteriorations gutted me. So glad you have a beautiful family and a bevy of kind neighbors. Sending extra love! Life is real.
I'm so sorry for this experience, Courtney! I'm sure every reader of this newsletter wishes they could send YOU flowers and a card telling you that that neighbor acted like an absolute jerk, no excuses. You went above and beyond what most people would do by offering a card and flowers...sounds like the recipient lacked the graciousness and empathy you deserved to receive in return. Thank you, as always, for sharing so honestly and movingly about your life in this way. I hope your experiences of compassion far outweigh the kind of experiences you had with this neighbor.
I’m so sorry to read this and feel for you and your family. This experience is so hard and your heart deserves rest. Also, I can say this during these End of Times: May their yard receive a torrent of urine. Or, may they move. 🤍
Courtney , you are the essence of wholesomeness and I admire all that you do and say . Thank you for this latest so very real sharing of caretaker challenges . You have so much on your plate and I so appreciate the energy and time you take to give the details of all the tricky everyday life events that unfold . I cheer you on and say heartfelt thanks . You have a place in my heart as I deal with my husband’s journey with memory loss .
Thank you for the reminder of the power of small gestures - ones that we may never even know how much they matter when we extend them to others - and good grief I am so sorry you had to deal with the foolishly unaware mansplainer in the process of all the rest.
Thank you Islam 🩷 there’s a custom card business for depleted caregivers right there. Can we see the series? 😆
When my grandmother’s dementia advanced she started walking out of her house and into the streets in her nightgown at 2am, convinced that she needed to go and check in on her neighbors and her vegetable garden. She lived alone in Italy and we all lived in London when the first incident happened. I often wonder what it would have been like to be living with her as an extended family as you are with your dad. After this happened my mum moved to Italy for six months to live with her. Like your dad her condition had become advanced. The neighbors however all knew about her condition. Some looked out for her but they understood when she came knocking sometimes at really ungodly hours. I’m so sorry that the first thought a stranger had wasn’t to lead with curiosity and say - what is happening here? What might this person be going through? And yet it is what it is and you showed up and were human and apologized and did your best and what felt right. Thanks for sharing with us so openly. Xo
OMG I am going to come and pee on this neighbor's lawn.
Don't f with tired caregivers right now, dude. We are looking for release and truly I can't imagine a better one than night time pee pee session on your greens. (Also, don't have a lawn in California!)
I love that you are able to hold so much pain along with so much compassion and even to find the humor in it - I love the card you posted. I sense that you have a good solid sense of what is actually important and your dad's pee on those neighbor's yard just doesn't begin to rise to the level of ridiculous, much less important.
Thank you for sharing your life with us and for letting us see your beautiful humanity. It makes my heart feel a little less existential loneliness when I read your essays. Thank you. And God bless you and your family, especially your beloved Father.
I “have a friend” — spiritually insightful like no other. Many over the years remarking she seems like an angel, not from this world.
Her world has been upended with an onset of epilepsy in her 50s.
Despite her struggles, she said this recently about these times: “we need to connect through kindness and heartfelt gestures. This will help us return to reclaiming what’s right
People who do little gestures could not be more important rt now .”
Oh Courtney, sending you and your mom a big hug, and lots of compassion for the excruciating difficulty that you are experiencing with your dad's dementia. You are both wonderful caregivers. You deserve love and appreciation for the grace, courage and transparency with which you are sharing this sadly common situation-- that most people choose to keep hidden. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Oh, Courtney, I'm so sorry for all of you, trying to care so carefully and lovingly for your dad and being met with such a lack of grace. The thing that occurs to me, which doesn't excuse the mansplaining at all, is I would guess the cranky neighbors are of an age where they're staring down their own mortality and impending need for care, which is terrifying for many of us. Judging you is easier than confronting that someday it may be them wandering about and peeing on the lawn. Which doesn't make absorbing their misguided projection any easier but makes your grace for them righteous (in the best sense of that word).
I am holding you all in the Light, like a vulnerable, restless field mouse finally asleep in the flower of God's hand.
That's totally what I thought, too, Asha. And just someone who is clinging to control (the lawn if VERY manicured).
So often those kinds of judgments portray a desire to protect yourself against catastrophe or pain, as if you can control for them if you're wound tightly enough. Not that I've ever done anything like that [ahem]...
I am so sorry. I think of your mother with love and concern everyday, because I remember my father's experience taking care of my mother. I feel for you and you family and brother's family- the whole Team Papa Martin.
Years ago some sort of enforcement agent appeared at my door because someone had reported my elderly neighbor across the street for 'imprisoning' her husband, who was seen feeling all over the street facing window as if trying to escape.
I didn't know them at the time, but of course he had dementia and it would have been unsafe for him to let him wander on our busy street.
You did what you could. You cannot all be on duty all the time. People who might ordinarily be thoughtful and patient are unraveling now, and people who never were very thoughtful are, and have always been, part of the mix.
I am so sorry for your father's agitation and know he is receiving the best possible care with all of you on the team.
Love to all.
Team Papa Martin! I love that.
Courtney- You are a grace operative to the nth degree! Grace-making is the opposite of stress-making. My experiences of extreme care-giving through family mental health deteriorations gutted me. So glad you have a beautiful family and a bevy of kind neighbors. Sending extra love! Life is real.
"Grace operative"! That might be the best compliment I've ever gotten.
I'm so sorry for this experience, Courtney! I'm sure every reader of this newsletter wishes they could send YOU flowers and a card telling you that that neighbor acted like an absolute jerk, no excuses. You went above and beyond what most people would do by offering a card and flowers...sounds like the recipient lacked the graciousness and empathy you deserved to receive in return. Thank you, as always, for sharing so honestly and movingly about your life in this way. I hope your experiences of compassion far outweigh the kind of experiences you had with this neighbor.
I’m so sorry to read this and feel for you and your family. This experience is so hard and your heart deserves rest. Also, I can say this during these End of Times: May their yard receive a torrent of urine. Or, may they move. 🤍
🤣
Courtney , you are the essence of wholesomeness and I admire all that you do and say . Thank you for this latest so very real sharing of caretaker challenges . You have so much on your plate and I so appreciate the energy and time you take to give the details of all the tricky everyday life events that unfold . I cheer you on and say heartfelt thanks . You have a place in my heart as I deal with my husband’s journey with memory loss .
Sending solidarity and love.
Thank you for the reminder of the power of small gestures - ones that we may never even know how much they matter when we extend them to others - and good grief I am so sorry you had to deal with the foolishly unaware mansplainer in the process of all the rest.
Beautiful piece. 🧡
Thank you Islam 🩷 there’s a custom card business for depleted caregivers right there. Can we see the series? 😆
When my grandmother’s dementia advanced she started walking out of her house and into the streets in her nightgown at 2am, convinced that she needed to go and check in on her neighbors and her vegetable garden. She lived alone in Italy and we all lived in London when the first incident happened. I often wonder what it would have been like to be living with her as an extended family as you are with your dad. After this happened my mum moved to Italy for six months to live with her. Like your dad her condition had become advanced. The neighbors however all knew about her condition. Some looked out for her but they understood when she came knocking sometimes at really ungodly hours. I’m so sorry that the first thought a stranger had wasn’t to lead with curiosity and say - what is happening here? What might this person be going through? And yet it is what it is and you showed up and were human and apologized and did your best and what felt right. Thanks for sharing with us so openly. Xo
Courtney- such a tender, real story. You were the embodiment of grace in a tough situation.
Your writing reminds me of the need to show kindness now. Thanks for sharing!
OMG I am going to come and pee on this neighbor's lawn.
Don't f with tired caregivers right now, dude. We are looking for release and truly I can't imagine a better one than night time pee pee session on your greens. (Also, don't have a lawn in California!)
Courtney, I love your heart so much!
I love that you are able to hold so much pain along with so much compassion and even to find the humor in it - I love the card you posted. I sense that you have a good solid sense of what is actually important and your dad's pee on those neighbor's yard just doesn't begin to rise to the level of ridiculous, much less important.
Thank you for sharing your life with us and for letting us see your beautiful humanity. It makes my heart feel a little less existential loneliness when I read your essays. Thank you. And God bless you and your family, especially your beloved Father.
I “have a friend” — spiritually insightful like no other. Many over the years remarking she seems like an angel, not from this world.
Her world has been upended with an onset of epilepsy in her 50s.
Despite her struggles, she said this recently about these times: “we need to connect through kindness and heartfelt gestures. This will help us return to reclaiming what’s right
People who do little gestures could not be more important rt now .”
❤️
Oh Courtney, sending you and your mom a big hug, and lots of compassion for the excruciating difficulty that you are experiencing with your dad's dementia. You are both wonderful caregivers. You deserve love and appreciation for the grace, courage and transparency with which you are sharing this sadly common situation-- that most people choose to keep hidden. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Love you all, love you all, love you all, LOVE YOU ALL!
This guy is definitely in the religion of being right, Bucks. God bless him.