I just bought Seek on the basis of this terrific interview! I really like the Jain teaching that’s translated as the “many sidedness of truth.” Thanks for this introduction to a brilliant way of thinking that’s essential to pursue today!
Obsessing over your book Scott. I’m only halfway through and I wonder if you will directly apply your concepts to parenting. Predatory curiosity is super rampant I suspect in how parents approach their kids when there’s conflict. It’s hard when kids are spazzing out to have that deep curiosity about what’s going on for them. I appreciate your insights so much, there’s such broad applicability
Ooooeeee this interview names something I've been doing. I practice predatory curiosity with my Trump-voting parents. I desperately want them to be curious back – about my values, my politics – but they never are. Sitting with what they share makes me feel wild inside, like I don't have the strength to hold it. The gulf between us is so deep.
I have this same situation and it is frustrating because I truly want to understand why they could support such a hideous human. However, the curiosity doesn’t extend on their part in return and it just feels one sided. I’ve stopped asking. We’ve disconnected. Only “safe” subjects which just feels shallow and not worth the time. Sigh.
I feel you. My conversations with my parents are mostly shallow and unsatisfying. They were never very curious about me as an individual when I was a child or teenager living at home, either. So it's nothing new. I have such a bottomless wellspring of curiosity about my own son (now 19) – his thoughts, feelings, experiences – that it's hard to understand their lack of curiosity. I think incurious parents were the norm for their generation (now in their 80s.) When my curiosity leads me to ask my parents questions about their early life – those conversations are amazing and illuminating!
I agree.. Parents were in their own world which really didn’t include the kids…..my parents never came to an event I was at school, didn’t help with college admissions, never asked me what I thought I would do….it’s like I was just another mouth to feed. I once asked my father about his early childhood, trying to understand him better and he got very angry and didn't understand why I wanted to know. Strange. I was just trying to figure out what made him the way he is. Anyway, thanks for responding. I actually rarely post or comment but this one just pulled me in. Your son is lucky that you are engaged with the journey of his life…hopefully that is a bond that never is broken!
I agree with Karin! Amy, your son is so lucky to have a momma like you -- because extending that curiosity to him makes him feel heard, seen, and valued. It signals to him: You matter to me. I also love the insight on generational feelings toward curiosity—and the role of parenting. That's a very compassionate view! I am excited at a future where children feel curiosity from their parents AND vice versa: where kids extend curiosity toward their parents and see them as full and whole humans!
Karin, I also understand the frustration of wanting to learn more about your father -- that makes absolute sense. We are curious because we want to create closeness and connection. Sometimes trauma can get in the way of us opening up (which I wrote about in my book SEEK), and so my curiosity goes to this place when folks do not respond openly to our curiosity: What might be getting in the way for them? What is a better "entry" point for them that feels safer or less vulnerable, so they can exercise responding to our curiosity like a muscle, and hopefully work their way up to deeper shares?
"We ask our partner a question because we want them to ask that question back to us. When they don’t, we lash out and say: 'Why didn’t you ask me the same question back?!'"
I definitely relate to this. Somehow it feels awkward to ask, "can you ask me about ____ and listen with interest in this moment?"
I just bought Seek on the basis of this terrific interview! I really like the Jain teaching that’s translated as the “many sidedness of truth.” Thanks for this introduction to a brilliant way of thinking that’s essential to pursue today!
DD
Dennis, thank you so much for grabbing a copy of Seek! I can't wait to hear what you think of it, and here if you have any questions :-)
Obsessing over your book Scott. I’m only halfway through and I wonder if you will directly apply your concepts to parenting. Predatory curiosity is super rampant I suspect in how parents approach their kids when there’s conflict. It’s hard when kids are spazzing out to have that deep curiosity about what’s going on for them. I appreciate your insights so much, there’s such broad applicability
Ooooeeee this interview names something I've been doing. I practice predatory curiosity with my Trump-voting parents. I desperately want them to be curious back – about my values, my politics – but they never are. Sitting with what they share makes me feel wild inside, like I don't have the strength to hold it. The gulf between us is so deep.
I have this same situation and it is frustrating because I truly want to understand why they could support such a hideous human. However, the curiosity doesn’t extend on their part in return and it just feels one sided. I’ve stopped asking. We’ve disconnected. Only “safe” subjects which just feels shallow and not worth the time. Sigh.
I feel you. My conversations with my parents are mostly shallow and unsatisfying. They were never very curious about me as an individual when I was a child or teenager living at home, either. So it's nothing new. I have such a bottomless wellspring of curiosity about my own son (now 19) – his thoughts, feelings, experiences – that it's hard to understand their lack of curiosity. I think incurious parents were the norm for their generation (now in their 80s.) When my curiosity leads me to ask my parents questions about their early life – those conversations are amazing and illuminating!
I agree.. Parents were in their own world which really didn’t include the kids…..my parents never came to an event I was at school, didn’t help with college admissions, never asked me what I thought I would do….it’s like I was just another mouth to feed. I once asked my father about his early childhood, trying to understand him better and he got very angry and didn't understand why I wanted to know. Strange. I was just trying to figure out what made him the way he is. Anyway, thanks for responding. I actually rarely post or comment but this one just pulled me in. Your son is lucky that you are engaged with the journey of his life…hopefully that is a bond that never is broken!
I agree with Karin! Amy, your son is so lucky to have a momma like you -- because extending that curiosity to him makes him feel heard, seen, and valued. It signals to him: You matter to me. I also love the insight on generational feelings toward curiosity—and the role of parenting. That's a very compassionate view! I am excited at a future where children feel curiosity from their parents AND vice versa: where kids extend curiosity toward their parents and see them as full and whole humans!
Karin, I also understand the frustration of wanting to learn more about your father -- that makes absolute sense. We are curious because we want to create closeness and connection. Sometimes trauma can get in the way of us opening up (which I wrote about in my book SEEK), and so my curiosity goes to this place when folks do not respond openly to our curiosity: What might be getting in the way for them? What is a better "entry" point for them that feels safer or less vulnerable, so they can exercise responding to our curiosity like a muscle, and hopefully work their way up to deeper shares?
Going to share this interview with the current Barnraisers cohort!
Ohh! Would love to learn more about the cohort and what they thought/felt about the interview. Thank you for sharing, Garrett!
Nice sleeping surface in the car for traveling!
"We ask our partner a question because we want them to ask that question back to us. When they don’t, we lash out and say: 'Why didn’t you ask me the same question back?!'"
I definitely relate to this. Somehow it feels awkward to ask, "can you ask me about ____ and listen with interest in this moment?"