They come quietly, like an invisible phalanx of midlife lady love, and drop old grocery bags filled with lovingly spiced green curry and vegetable Shepherd’s pie and lemon bars made by little hands and handwritten notes on postcards.
Wow. Even at 73, I am like a toddler saying, “I do it MYSELF!” Thank you for this deep dive into a topic that holds such power…it resonates deeply. Bless bless you and yours dear woman. 💗
Susan Cain's journal, The Quiet Life, asked last week where I experience the Thin Places, where I am closest to the divine. It used to be, I thought, when I would do centering prayer. But, having needed a lot of help with a big downsize/move last summer and now a knee replacement, I have come to see that it's when people, bidden or unbidden, give me a hand.
It's such a huge turn of events: I was always the strong, self-reliant, i-got-this woman, never ask for help. And to be forced to accept it has opened a whole new vista to me: the joy of receiving.
Goddam this is a gorgeous piece of writing. And it feels weirdly synchronous, as I have both received and delivered multiple meals in my community just this month. (It’s never been a feature of my life before) It feels magical, like the gift economies i’d read about. And one of the best feeling parts for me was finally being able to support the friends I cooked for - I felt grateful to them for giving me an outlet for my love and concern, not to mention a way to stay connected that doesn’t require anything of them. And YES I identify strongly with the fear of being a “compassion con artist” - and yes, our practicing against that white woman socialization is meaningful work 💕
Moved to tears, Courtney dear. And yes, you deserve and need help - just like all of us do at various times. I understand how you feel, of course. So much easier to be the one providing support than the one who needs it. But important to be able to ask for it and receive it when we do. Sending hugs.
My favorite line: "The point of being helped is not that you have earned the help in some measurable way, some litmus test of extraordinary suffering. The point of being helped is actually the opposite—that you are ordinary, which is to say human, and going through a thing, and people are moved by the universal reality that we are sometimes the person going through a thing and sometimes the person showing up for a person going through a thing and all of it is immeasurable and sacred." Thank you! I feel seen.
I am so sorry that he is dying and that there is a community around you to provide things that make it easier for you to focus on him and your mother and kids at this time.
As someone who cooks a lot for others, I can tell you it is not burdensome at all. Not at all.
Oh Courtney. Thank you, with tears on my face. After two long years of cancer treatment, I grew so bone-tired of being the one who keeps needing help, compassion, prayers, dinners - all of it. I'm always wanting to be the one to mobilize others to help, to give, to care - yet how deeply, pathologically hard it continues to be for me to accept exactly what I want others to offer. Holding fast to your words & sharing them widely. The wisdom you never wanted is a gift to us.
As always such a good reflection. A long time ago, I began to notice that, somatically, my attention was stuck in an out flowing direction. I stood on a pier, looking out toward the San Francisco Bay Bridge and felt my energy streaming out. It was exhausting. I realized I need to “take and eat,” to have my attention feed me. Giving and receiving are a duality. Our bodies know how to “have”this amazing life.
Here is a book you might enjoy-- "Where Two Worlds Touch: The Spirit and Science of Alzheimer's Caregiving" by Jade C. Angelica, Skinner House books . some practical tips but mostly a way to look at this caregiving journey with fresh eyes and to see the holiness of what you are doing. She shares her journey with her mom and also her work as minister specializing in Alzheimer's disease.... Be good to yourself.
In a conversation recently I reminded one of my nearest and dearest who is resistant to help, who thinks of herself as one who does the helping, maybe it's worth remembering that letting people help her isn't just for her. Maybe, sometimes, it's not even primarily for her, even if it provides her with exactly what she needs. Maybe, just maybe, it's the best way she can show up for the person who is offering the help, by giving them the opportunity to be the best of themselves in community. I'll confess she glared at me (just a little), but then she promised she'd think about it.
Before I come off as some kind of giving guru, though, let me say that I got offered help this last week because my son ended up unexpectedly in the ICU a two hour drive away from our town. It was scary and exhausting and my people offered to show up for me, asked me what they could do, and I had to admit that I've been a single mom for so long with no discernible help in sight that I don't know how to answer that question, "What can I do?" My brain can't even parse things in that way. So, I'm going to have to think on that and how to release my incredibly tight grip on all of the daily mundanities of my life to conceive of what I could let other people do for me.
If it helps, Asha, I told myself I had to say YES even if it didn't feel like the perfect offer. Harder if someone says "What can I do?" but when someone says, "Can I do this?" make yourself just say YES. I think some of us need a seal-breaking moment.
Just last night, I wrote a card to a friend and asked him to let people love him, because we had been chatting while he was sick and he wasn’t allowing his friends to show up for him (toxic masculinity he said). It’s something that is a little easier for me because I’ve had years of chronic illness to practice that particular vulnerability. Beautiful writing-I’m sending love to your family.
A beautiful piece that I recognize myself in. Thank you for reminding me of the gifts of receiving and unlearning and being vulnerable and being human. Bless you and yours.😘
Wow. Even at 73, I am like a toddler saying, “I do it MYSELF!” Thank you for this deep dive into a topic that holds such power…it resonates deeply. Bless bless you and yours dear woman. 💗
Susan Cain's journal, The Quiet Life, asked last week where I experience the Thin Places, where I am closest to the divine. It used to be, I thought, when I would do centering prayer. But, having needed a lot of help with a big downsize/move last summer and now a knee replacement, I have come to see that it's when people, bidden or unbidden, give me a hand.
It's such a huge turn of events: I was always the strong, self-reliant, i-got-this woman, never ask for help. And to be forced to accept it has opened a whole new vista to me: the joy of receiving.
Goddam this is a gorgeous piece of writing. And it feels weirdly synchronous, as I have both received and delivered multiple meals in my community just this month. (It’s never been a feature of my life before) It feels magical, like the gift economies i’d read about. And one of the best feeling parts for me was finally being able to support the friends I cooked for - I felt grateful to them for giving me an outlet for my love and concern, not to mention a way to stay connected that doesn’t require anything of them. And YES I identify strongly with the fear of being a “compassion con artist” - and yes, our practicing against that white woman socialization is meaningful work 💕
Moved to tears, Courtney dear. And yes, you deserve and need help - just like all of us do at various times. I understand how you feel, of course. So much easier to be the one providing support than the one who needs it. But important to be able to ask for it and receive it when we do. Sending hugs.
My favorite line: "The point of being helped is not that you have earned the help in some measurable way, some litmus test of extraordinary suffering. The point of being helped is actually the opposite—that you are ordinary, which is to say human, and going through a thing, and people are moved by the universal reality that we are sometimes the person going through a thing and sometimes the person showing up for a person going through a thing and all of it is immeasurable and sacred." Thank you! I feel seen.
I am so sorry that he is dying and that there is a community around you to provide things that make it easier for you to focus on him and your mother and kids at this time.
As someone who cooks a lot for others, I can tell you it is not burdensome at all. Not at all.
Love to you, your mother, and the kids.
Oh Courtney. Thank you, with tears on my face. After two long years of cancer treatment, I grew so bone-tired of being the one who keeps needing help, compassion, prayers, dinners - all of it. I'm always wanting to be the one to mobilize others to help, to give, to care - yet how deeply, pathologically hard it continues to be for me to accept exactly what I want others to offer. Holding fast to your words & sharing them widely. The wisdom you never wanted is a gift to us.
As always such a good reflection. A long time ago, I began to notice that, somatically, my attention was stuck in an out flowing direction. I stood on a pier, looking out toward the San Francisco Bay Bridge and felt my energy streaming out. It was exhausting. I realized I need to “take and eat,” to have my attention feed me. Giving and receiving are a duality. Our bodies know how to “have”this amazing life.
Perfect somatic imagery for me. Thank you thank you.
Beautiful, Courtney! I feel this so deeply right now. ❤️🩹
What you’ve shared is precious and dear enlightenment , Courtney . Thank you deeply . May many people read and be comforted .
Giving, receiving.
Depending on conditions.
Both helpful and wise.
Here is a book you might enjoy-- "Where Two Worlds Touch: The Spirit and Science of Alzheimer's Caregiving" by Jade C. Angelica, Skinner House books . some practical tips but mostly a way to look at this caregiving journey with fresh eyes and to see the holiness of what you are doing. She shares her journey with her mom and also her work as minister specializing in Alzheimer's disease.... Be good to yourself.
Oh thank you so much!
In a conversation recently I reminded one of my nearest and dearest who is resistant to help, who thinks of herself as one who does the helping, maybe it's worth remembering that letting people help her isn't just for her. Maybe, sometimes, it's not even primarily for her, even if it provides her with exactly what she needs. Maybe, just maybe, it's the best way she can show up for the person who is offering the help, by giving them the opportunity to be the best of themselves in community. I'll confess she glared at me (just a little), but then she promised she'd think about it.
Before I come off as some kind of giving guru, though, let me say that I got offered help this last week because my son ended up unexpectedly in the ICU a two hour drive away from our town. It was scary and exhausting and my people offered to show up for me, asked me what they could do, and I had to admit that I've been a single mom for so long with no discernible help in sight that I don't know how to answer that question, "What can I do?" My brain can't even parse things in that way. So, I'm going to have to think on that and how to release my incredibly tight grip on all of the daily mundanities of my life to conceive of what I could let other people do for me.
If it helps, Asha, I told myself I had to say YES even if it didn't feel like the perfect offer. Harder if someone says "What can I do?" but when someone says, "Can I do this?" make yourself just say YES. I think some of us need a seal-breaking moment.
Agreed. A specific offer of help rather than an open-ended offer is much easier to respond to in the affirmative.
Just last night, I wrote a card to a friend and asked him to let people love him, because we had been chatting while he was sick and he wasn’t allowing his friends to show up for him (toxic masculinity he said). It’s something that is a little easier for me because I’ve had years of chronic illness to practice that particular vulnerability. Beautiful writing-I’m sending love to your family.
Yes, one of the possible gifts of chronic illness. Temporarily able-bodied folks like me have a lot to learn. And men! Lordy.
This is a gift to read. Like a warm bowl of daal.💕💔
A beautiful piece that I recognize myself in. Thank you for reminding me of the gifts of receiving and unlearning and being vulnerable and being human. Bless you and yours.😘