What's your community style?

29 questions and 4 actions to get you more connected

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Okay, on to the main event…

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“Come over anytime. Literally anytime, I want you to just come to my house, knock on my door, and come on in.”

You could hear a collective gasp around the room. “But what if you’re busy doing something—trying to focus?” someone asks.

“Then I’ll get you a coffee or a beer and leave you to it, while I go over here and keep working on what I need to work on.”

My women’s group had a great meeting last week about how to foment community in the time of so many crises and, while it’s something I’ve thought about a lot, it really got me thinking in new and powerful ways.

One of the things that really emerged from the conversation was a sense that we all have very different styles when it comes to community. These styles are shaped by our family of origin, our cultural background, our personality (introvert, extrovert, and so much more), our professional life and how it influences our days, the physical space of our homes, and so much more.

Two of my best mentors in community - Tom and Mary. They’ve taught whole neighborhoods of kids how to read for generations.

It inspired me to create this list of questions as a sort of reflection starter pack to pursuing the community of your dreams (and one that can show up for you in times of personal and political nightmare!)…

Childhood: What was your experience of community in childhood? Did your caregivers welcome people stopping by? Did they encourage connections with neighbors? Were you part of a religious community and what did that teach you (for some, it modeled mutual aid, for others, hypocrisy and performance!)? Were you an only child who got a lot of alone time and loved that, or were you surrounded by siblings and craved a quiet moment?

Culture: What is your cultural background and how do you think that shapes your ideas about community? Do you like the way it has influenced you or would you rather unlearn some of the hallmarks of how your extended family thinks about community (or doesn’t)? Do you have ideas about how clean things to have to be in order to have people over? Do these ideas differ from the ones your partners, kids, roommates hold?

Personality: Do you crave more solitude or more sociality in your daily life? Are you someone who works well without interruptions, or do you prefer co-working and the comforting noise of a busy cafe? When do you notice yourself tapping out on social settings? When do you notice yourself feeling lonely and wanting more social stimulation? What’s your appetite for creating community with people who are unlike you, irk you, or test your patience?

Space: What is your house like and does it lend itself to connection with family, friends, neighbors? Do you have places where you can gather people if you want to? What is the density like in your neighborhood? Does it lend itself to connection or does it feel like you have to really make an effort to connect with those you live proximate to?

Community gardens are the shit.

Schedule: How much of your time is spent in a physical work place? How much of your work time is spent socializing vs. working alone? How does that jive with your personality and desire, or lack thereof, for more social connection? How busy are you and how does this impact your ability to connect spontaneously with friends or neighbors?

Economics: Do you live under capitalism? Does it force you into working more hours than you would like, and therefore not investing as much as you would like in community? (Likely a YES for everybody!) What’s your relationship to private versus shared solutions - like would you be up for sharing a lawn mower or a grill or even a pet? What feels important to you to own and what could you imagine enjoying sharing?

Crises: Do you think much about the fact that we are facing down multiple crises—environmental, political etc? If you do think about it, what do you do to prepare for potential disaster and how much of that preparation is collective? (Hint: a lot of it should be! The communities that fare best during disaster are those that are tight knit before one strikes!) How much are you already practicing mutuality in your neighborhood so that you will have solid muscles for it when things become urgent?

Sometimes creating community requires some risk mitigation, like masks. And definitely art.

I hope this is helpful. I also walked away from the meeting with some key next steps/mindsets that might be useful to you, too:

1. Preparing for disaster is a great excuse for creating more community within your neighborhood in non-disaster times. Get that Signal chat going and plan a meeting to go over the collective plan. In the meantime, you can document who lives where, who has vulnerabilities that everyone should know about, who has supplies etc. In our women’s group, we used this pod mapping exercise by Mia Mingus. Here’s a good listen on community cohesion in moments of disaster with the wonderful

   Amanda Ripley
   .

2. Dream community requires the right balance of ritual and spontaneity, both of which require you to create space in your life for what matters most rather than feeling like you’re on a hamster wheel of busyness. Put a weekly hike or tea on the calendar with your best friend and honor it. Make sure you have Saturdays with nothing on the schedule so you can respond to that neighbor’s lemonade stand excitement. Life is for living, not juggling. (For a great study in ritual, check out this write-up on “stoop coffee,” h/t Ann Friedman.)

3. Self-trust is critical for creating community. If I don’t trust myself to have good boundaries, speak my truth about when I need solitude and when I’m up for sociality, then I will avoid community. Grown ass women know how to say, “Hey, I’m tapped out, I’m going to head home now,” without worrying that it will offend someone. It is also requires confidence—a trust that, yes, people really do want to hang out with me and if they say no, it’s likely logistical, not a rejection. You have to put yourself out there to foment community.

4. Community requires a resilient longterm investment. If you really want to live a life rich with mutuality and celebration and mourning and love, then you have to hang in there with people when they irritate you, piss you off, disappoint you etc. The women’s group that fomented all these insights is a great case in point! We’ve been meeting for almost ten years now and we’ve had all kinds of ups and downs and all-arounds. The richness of life is not about smooth sailing with only the people that cause you no pain (those people don’t exist, actually); it’s about witness and unconditional love and casseroles through all kinds of seasons.

So tell me, what is your community style? What categories/questions would you add to the list?

And one more resource!

Katherine Goldstein

is writing a book on community, so writing a lot about it over at her Substack, but also hosting “The How to Find Your People Club” for her paid subscribers.

And remember: if this kind of reflection is valuable to you, please signal that by becoming a paid subscriber today.