Like Pam, I totally get it if you have the cash to pay for this party and also totally get it if that's not going to work for your right now. Either way, a subscription makes my world go round.
“I don’t want people to do a celebration of life for me when I’m not even there to celebrate!”
So said my best childhood friend’s mom, Pam, who became my second mom while we were growing up weaving in and out of one another’s houses in an endless stream of sleepovers. So what did my bestie do? She decided to throw Pam a raucous celebration of life for her 80th. There was a tent at the local golf course, a rotating slide show of mostly in-focus pictures, an open bar, chicken skewers, and a truly transcendent, baldingDJ named Randy Rodriguez, who is obviously doing what he was meant to do in this life.
And damn if I didn’t learn something important from Pam (yet again) about life while scream singing “Don’t Stop Believin’” beside her and a motley crew of intergenerational Pam fans.
The main lesson?
None of this is promised, so don’t miss the chance to celebrate your dumb luck and gorgeous community. Aging, as we can feel right now so acutely from the headlines, is a privilege. If you get to do it, evolve, celebrate, evolve, celebrate, mourn the real losses and limitations, and evolve, celebrate.
The sub-lessons?
Perfect health is not a pre-requisite for a party. Pam has one lung and moves around with oxygen and a cute little backpack. She got her 6-month cancer check the morning of the party and then just kept it moving. She’s had two knees and a hip replaced. Bodies, especially at 80, aren’t going to stay pristine. Don’t let that prevent you from letting a man serenade you with your favorite Frank Sinatra song while you sway in a beautiful floral dress and everyone you love stares at you lovingly.
Depersonalize the RSVPs. Pam seemed genuinely thrilled by those who could make the trip, and so many did (the friend she’d known the longest weathered multiple plane cancellations and a dead rental car to slide in right in time), and genuinely unhurt by those who didn’t. “People have work,” she said. “I worked my whole life so I get it.” She moves around the world with this refreshing mix of truth-telling and depersonalizing and it seems to really do her (and everyone else) right.
Don’t shy away from being celebrated. This one is hard for me. I would much rather celebrate someone else than accept celebration (part of why I was never keen on having a wedding). But watching Pam bask in the glow of her community without flinching or wilting was truly inspiring. We are each miraculous creatures, all the more so when we’ve lived through eight decades of heartbreak, adventure, alienation, and love. Why shouldn’t every one of us have a moment where our very particular journey is honored?
All kinds of magic happens when you are willing to be the excuse for gathering. Ultimately, it was a beautiful celebration of Pam, but it was also a great moment for all of her grand nieces and nephews, who hadn’t seen one another in years, to reconnect. I cried in the arms of an old neighbor—the first woman to put a canvas in front of me and encourage me to dip my brush in the paint and go wild—and danced with the tiny daughter of an old friend I haven’t been in touch with in decades. I’m sure there were dozens of little seeds planted that will grow in ways Pam could have never predicted.
So I guess what I’m trying to say is, be Pam. Register for a ballet class at 79 and be surprised you’re the oldest in the class. Invite your grand nieces over to make your famous Mexican wedding cookies. Submit a fire playlist for your party so that the DJ doesn’t miss any of your favorite tracks. Listen to the eulogies-as-toasts and let them sink into your skin. Sit in the dark outside the tent, under the Colorado stars, while your daughter pulls your car around and tell one more story, sigh with deep contentment, say: That really was perfect. And mean every word.
I know I have some amazing elders in this Examined Family community. How are you celebrating the privilege of aging in this time of so much death-dealing in our world?
Thank you for reminding us all to celebrate ourselves and our lives and our communities! Pam’s party will ripple through every attendee’s life as well as all who read about her party.
I also just attended the celebration of a relative’s 90th birthday and had the same thought - that it was so special to celebrate her and her life while she is still here to share in the experience (and why don’t we do this more?)! Like Pam this relative is someone who is young at heart and continues to enjoy life even amidst the challenges of an aging body. She was so moved by everyone’s presence there, and it was joyous to be in hers as she took it in. Thanks for sharing about Pam’s party and prompting me to reflect more on this celebration.