I really appreciated this post, Courtney. AND, I think I have a different perspective on "the wrong people die every day." I think it makes a ton of sense that it *feels* like it's the wrong people dying...but, at the same time, who could say it's the wrong people? How could life (or death) be life-ing (or death-ing) wrong? How do we know that your dad isn't supposed to be alive for several more years? How could we know that he isn't supposed to affect some particular person, say, 14 months from now? How do we know that the deaths of these wonderful men in their 40s weren't supposed to happen? What if those deaths are catalysts for someone else to do something else that's essential? What if those deaths are absolutely defining for someone else? How do we know that those men's lives weren't exactly the right length? We can't know why things happen, but (I believe) we can be sure things happen just as they should. Because there isn't an alternative. There's just what is.
Maybe I'm talking about destiny, maybe it sounds naive or bright-siding... (Ugh, like when people say, "Everything happens for a reason," which is just so eye-rolly and annoying and I'm not even sure it's so clear-cut as "a reason" would have us believe.) But I guess what I mean is, life doesn't get it wrong. It might look wrong to our eyes, to our limited perspective, to our concept of order, or fairness, or rightness... But life is always happening exactly as it should—because it's what's happening. Okay, maybe it's less about "should," because even that sounds like a judgment that a mind would make. Maybe it's more like life is unfolding in a completely impersonal way. There isn't an alternative unfolding, except in our minds (our minds will argue this because they have ideas about how things "should" be; but, without our minds, everything...just...is). Anyway, I hope this is at least somewhat intelligible. I never write comments because I never seem to have enough capacity or uninterrupted moments (homeschooling an intense 6yo!), but this one felt important and, who knows, maybe useful in a small way. I love your writing, what and how you share with us. Thank you so much. ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing this and YES, it does feel useful. "Life doesn't get it wrong" really stood out to me. I am struggling to believe that right now, but I also really honor it in your knowing (and feel a little jealous of it, honestly). I'm sure it will be an evolving relationship that I have with this phrase. Thank you for gifting it to me to metabolize.
Another beautiful post, Courtney. Thank you for expressing exactly what I feel about my dad, 95, who still sings from time to time but rarely talks anymore. The prospect of him dying of dementia for potentially years more feels so profoundly unjust and unfair. When I says it's unbearable, am I talking about myself or him?
I read this as I sit in Tecate Mexico where I have been participating in the celebration of a dear friend who is 104 as of 2 days ago. An Aztec ceremony was performed in her honor and the fact that her 104 years equals two full rotations of the Aztec calendar. As you eloquently point out life isn’t fair. My friend has said and is still feeling her long goodbyes to her friends and family members including a son and granddaughter which will last until her last breath. She is a living testimony of acceptance by which I mean still longing for those whom she loved and are no longer here and that they are gone and that is life itself. The lesson I suppose is to be here now in all the pain and glory — our time is so very short and precious no matter how long. Squeeze the days, love more, be kind, forgive and be grateful. We pass this way but once. ❤️
Gorgeous. Thank you for sharing your current location and occasion. What an amazing thing. The lesson is so often acceptance, isn't it? I'm still working on it in this case.
As a caregiver for my 95yo dementia father I am navigating my own terminal stage 4 cancer with a lot of anger… that caring for him when my beloved mother died suddenly was the stress put upon me to tip my body into disease, that managing his decline without my brothers stepping in to do more is so unfair. I do not grieve for the father I loved for he is already gone. I resent the time he continues to steal from me.
Thank you, Courtney, for the observation and sentiments of this posting. I looked through my collection of quotes to try to uncover one that connects to what I gleaned from this current writing. The following quote spoke to me:
… I respond to reality in such a way that I look on existence as a great mystery and that at times, at certain moments, this mystery carries a strong charge. Tomas Tranströmer
A friend's mom died last week and it's been such an interesting, emotional experience. But you're right that "it's not fair". My hope is that it maybe it really is all fair / for the best reasons / to help us grow but we don't have the perspective needed to understand how/why that's the case from where we're viewing things on this earthly plane. Been working on some thoughts about what happens when we die and hope to share with you once they're in a more completed state.
Parker wonderful conversation with Terry Tempest Williams yesterday and now Courtney and her daughter paint another glorious piece to the mosaic we call life.
As octogenarians, my spouse and I give thanks for this moving column. Sharron concludes that "life is a crap shoot", and the factor of chance has certainly played a key role in our abilities to maintain cognitive ability, unlike most others in our family.
I'm increasingly persuaded by the force of "fortuna", or fate, as Machiavelli ( in the Prince) emphasized, controlling our lives.
The horrible deaths of children dying from senseless wars throughout the world illustrates this tragedy. IT'S UNFAIR! DD
As an old but not ultra-aged person, I can only share my perspective. None of us know how much time we have. I have tried to live, and try to live, so that as my capabilities and life diminish eventually I can know it has been a life well lived, talents and energy used for the better of those I love. The way we live our days is the way we will have lived our lives.
I think too it is important to articulate what we want in the end so our loved ones are not guessing once we can no longer speak for ourselves. Wishes need to be shared orally and in writing with those who are trustworthy, not inclined to mix it with their own biases and interests.
And we need to revisit those plans periodically, because as you say, ideas on this may change.
I really appreciated this post, Courtney. AND, I think I have a different perspective on "the wrong people die every day." I think it makes a ton of sense that it *feels* like it's the wrong people dying...but, at the same time, who could say it's the wrong people? How could life (or death) be life-ing (or death-ing) wrong? How do we know that your dad isn't supposed to be alive for several more years? How could we know that he isn't supposed to affect some particular person, say, 14 months from now? How do we know that the deaths of these wonderful men in their 40s weren't supposed to happen? What if those deaths are catalysts for someone else to do something else that's essential? What if those deaths are absolutely defining for someone else? How do we know that those men's lives weren't exactly the right length? We can't know why things happen, but (I believe) we can be sure things happen just as they should. Because there isn't an alternative. There's just what is.
Maybe I'm talking about destiny, maybe it sounds naive or bright-siding... (Ugh, like when people say, "Everything happens for a reason," which is just so eye-rolly and annoying and I'm not even sure it's so clear-cut as "a reason" would have us believe.) But I guess what I mean is, life doesn't get it wrong. It might look wrong to our eyes, to our limited perspective, to our concept of order, or fairness, or rightness... But life is always happening exactly as it should—because it's what's happening. Okay, maybe it's less about "should," because even that sounds like a judgment that a mind would make. Maybe it's more like life is unfolding in a completely impersonal way. There isn't an alternative unfolding, except in our minds (our minds will argue this because they have ideas about how things "should" be; but, without our minds, everything...just...is). Anyway, I hope this is at least somewhat intelligible. I never write comments because I never seem to have enough capacity or uninterrupted moments (homeschooling an intense 6yo!), but this one felt important and, who knows, maybe useful in a small way. I love your writing, what and how you share with us. Thank you so much. ❤️
Thank you so much for sharing this and YES, it does feel useful. "Life doesn't get it wrong" really stood out to me. I am struggling to believe that right now, but I also really honor it in your knowing (and feel a little jealous of it, honestly). I'm sure it will be an evolving relationship that I have with this phrase. Thank you for gifting it to me to metabolize.
This comment gives so much to ponder-thank you for sharing!
Another beautiful post, Courtney. Thank you for expressing exactly what I feel about my dad, 95, who still sings from time to time but rarely talks anymore. The prospect of him dying of dementia for potentially years more feels so profoundly unjust and unfair. When I says it's unbearable, am I talking about myself or him?
So, so beautiful. Thank you for writing this. “Doctorates of durability”—what a sweet practice; I love that so much.
I read this as I sit in Tecate Mexico where I have been participating in the celebration of a dear friend who is 104 as of 2 days ago. An Aztec ceremony was performed in her honor and the fact that her 104 years equals two full rotations of the Aztec calendar. As you eloquently point out life isn’t fair. My friend has said and is still feeling her long goodbyes to her friends and family members including a son and granddaughter which will last until her last breath. She is a living testimony of acceptance by which I mean still longing for those whom she loved and are no longer here and that they are gone and that is life itself. The lesson I suppose is to be here now in all the pain and glory — our time is so very short and precious no matter how long. Squeeze the days, love more, be kind, forgive and be grateful. We pass this way but once. ❤️
Gorgeous. Thank you for sharing your current location and occasion. What an amazing thing. The lesson is so often acceptance, isn't it? I'm still working on it in this case.
As a caregiver for my 95yo dementia father I am navigating my own terminal stage 4 cancer with a lot of anger… that caring for him when my beloved mother died suddenly was the stress put upon me to tip my body into disease, that managing his decline without my brothers stepping in to do more is so unfair. I do not grieve for the father I loved for he is already gone. I resent the time he continues to steal from me.
Thank you for being honest. I am wrapping you in the light of understanding and accompaniment.
What a very hard place to be in, Grace. I'm sorry.
Just know that you are not alone in feeling this way. Thank you for posting so honestly. I hope you can find the time you need for yourself.
Thank you, Courtney, for the observation and sentiments of this posting. I looked through my collection of quotes to try to uncover one that connects to what I gleaned from this current writing. The following quote spoke to me:
… I respond to reality in such a way that I look on existence as a great mystery and that at times, at certain moments, this mystery carries a strong charge. Tomas Tranströmer
WOW. That is super relevant. Thank you, Ernest.
A friend's mom died last week and it's been such an interesting, emotional experience. But you're right that "it's not fair". My hope is that it maybe it really is all fair / for the best reasons / to help us grow but we don't have the perspective needed to understand how/why that's the case from where we're viewing things on this earthly plane. Been working on some thoughts about what happens when we die and hope to share with you once they're in a more completed state.
Dearest Courtney: Once again, you've left me speechless and teary. Thank you is about the best I can muster right now... Love you, Parker
Parker wonderful conversation with Terry Tempest Williams yesterday and now Courtney and her daughter paint another glorious piece to the mosaic we call life.
Love you.
As octogenarians, my spouse and I give thanks for this moving column. Sharron concludes that "life is a crap shoot", and the factor of chance has certainly played a key role in our abilities to maintain cognitive ability, unlike most others in our family.
I'm increasingly persuaded by the force of "fortuna", or fate, as Machiavelli ( in the Prince) emphasized, controlling our lives.
The horrible deaths of children dying from senseless wars throughout the world illustrates this tragedy. IT'S UNFAIR! DD
So unfair. Thank you, DD. I am so grateful the "crap shoot" has worked out in you and Sharron's favor. Two of my favorites.
As an old but not ultra-aged person, I can only share my perspective. None of us know how much time we have. I have tried to live, and try to live, so that as my capabilities and life diminish eventually I can know it has been a life well lived, talents and energy used for the better of those I love. The way we live our days is the way we will have lived our lives.
I think too it is important to articulate what we want in the end so our loved ones are not guessing once we can no longer speak for ourselves. Wishes need to be shared orally and in writing with those who are trustworthy, not inclined to mix it with their own biases and interests.
And we need to revisit those plans periodically, because as you say, ideas on this may change.
Beautiful.
Gorgeous thoughtful writing , Courtney ❣️ You always nourish my heart and soul . My gratitude for YOU is tremendous .