Raising kids with 'spiritual confidence'

5 questions for writer, podcaster, and ritual innovator Casper ter Kuile

You know how there are those people in your life—they could be pretty outer circle—but when their name pop up in your inbox, or someone mentions them, you feel your soul sparkle and say, “Oh yes, what are they doing now?”

That’s how I feel about Casper ter Kuile. I can’t remember when I met him. Maybe through our On Being community. Maybe via Harry Potter fandom. In any case, I just think he’s one of the most creative, joyful, interesting people alive today and I am sparkling for whatever he is up to. Which this time is oh-so relevant to the Examined Family community. So without further ado, meet Casper…

Courtney Martin: Tell us about Nearness and this latest experiment in supporting parents who are spiritual, but not religious. Where did the idea come from?

Casper ter Kuile: The idea for Nearness stems from the fact that more and more of us are less and less traditionally religious---but we still want spaces for connection. I’ve been thinking about those changes for over a decade now, and one of the best ways to find that deep connection is through small groups. So rather than creating a big community experience, we designed Nearness to be a place of accompaniment amidst the ups and downs of life, and to give folks the support they need to reflect more deeply on some of the things that are important but not always urgent--all within the structure of small groups that meet each week.

This focus on parenting specifically was something we heard participants ask about again and again. So many of us don't claim a religious identity or institutional affiliation and instead focus on our own spiritual exploration--a sort of fluid journey of discovery. And that works okay, until you have kids. Suddenly, the questioning and exploring isn’t quite enough. Friends of mine who are parents have shared, sheepishly, how they feel like they’re failing their kids because they aren’t passing on the kind of community structure, moral clarity, and ritual life that they’d like to. Doing it alone is overwhelming, but no institution feels like the right fit either. It’s hard!

So we’ve launched an 8-week course for parents of kids aged 4-12 to learn how to share important rituals, stories, and other family traditions to help ground kids in folks’ core values, outside religion. We’ll match each parent into a curated small group with other parents to find a support system to put ideas into practice, and find a healthy space to reflect on these big questions together. And thanks to the good people at the John Templeton Foundation, the course is completely free!

What do you hope families that join walk away with from the experience?

My friend Angie Thurston has this great phrase: “spiritual confidence.” And I think that’s the answer to this question. I hope families will walk away from this experience with a greater appreciation of the beautiful traditions and rituals they already have in their lives that they may not have given their full attention to. Because so often we don’t elevate these little things.

For example, when my sisters and I woke up on our birthday morning, my mother had always hung a flag next to our bed--just as her mother had done for her. And when I met my now-husband, I explained that it really wouldn’t feel like it was my birthday unless he got up before me and hung up that flag! These rituals can sound so silly and small on the one hand, but they are incredible sources of meaning and joy, too!

So my hope is that parents and caregivers who journey with us will rediscover the rituals and practices that embody the values they want to raise their families with--and pick up some new ideas from one another in their small groups, too. We’ll also incorporate some mindfulness tools, and create useful reflection time to workshop specific pain points and find support from one another. We’ve heard again and again how valuable it can be to just have some space and company to think through these questions properly--to develop that sense of spiritual confidence.

I’m sort of convinced that most of the spiritual and existential problems in our lives are the root result of being too busy. I see that so much with families. What do you think?