I am so grateful Courtney for your continued opening of the window into this process with your father. It is so beautiful and inspiring to me as a writer and a human. And what a powerful reframe that whatever type of care facility your father is in, is a community.
I have friends in Taos who are tending a vision of creating an elder and youth center.. coupling those needs for village with each other.
Thank you for writing this. My mother and I are working on transitioning my father to memory care in the next couple of weeks, and we are so heartbroken about it. We're trying to see the positive side of it all, though, and this post really helps me look for the blessings.
Tara, my mother lived in memory care for five years and passed this last August. It was such a hard decision for us, and my father to move her in there. And yet, she acclimated well, and the care givers were superb. Looking back, she got great care, and it allowed us, to love on her and allow the professionals to care for her with expertise we didn’t have. One thing I learned from a physician friend of mine is that even when those with dementia/ Alzheimer’s become non verbal, which was the case with my mother for about three years, our love and emotion still goes in. They can feel it even though they can’t show us or tell us. My brother and sisters I I would visit my mom, sit and tell stories not to her, but among ourselves and we’d get to a funny part and right on cue my mom would crack an ever so slight smile, or occasionally chuckle just a tad. With us just being there we didn’t need to try and engage her directly (which we did for the first year or two and was frustrating), we could be present and she felt like she was a part of our broader time together.
I hope this helps. Feel free to reach out if you’d like any more perspective. Sending you positive energy. 😊
Heart-breaking and heart-inspiring. Thank you, Courtney. Your guiding us through your experiences with your father gives comfort and maybe a little hope. Your compassion and the generosity of sharing all of this with us is exceptional.
Courtney, the way you are loving your dad, and now all the other people he lives amongst, is so important. And so, so good for my heart to witness. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
The comments given here often match the exquisite eloquence of Courtney's phenomenal expression of unconditional love. Sometimes I'm reminded of Thich Nhat Hanh's uncanny career and writings because of the infinite compassion and boundless empathy. Thank you once again for lifting your lucky readers into a world of nonviolence rather than becoming immersed in the political violence that surrounds us. DD
Courtney, this was especially lovely: “I’ve gotten better and better at adapting to each new version of him, figuring out how to connect, but it’s never without a weighted heart.”
I saw my mom through her final years with dementia. She had one her happiest years ever the first year she was in assisted living, made a dear friend and loved the dining room - and no laundry, no housekeeping! As she declined and needed more care she moved other places and needed other things, but she continued to enjoy being with others and to appreciate the caring people who looked after her. It was good for her to have company. Like you say, they only knew her as she was, not as she used to be. And it was a blessing, just how gentle and kind she was with everyone and they with her.
I am so happy that you found a good place with caring, loving people. They do still exist in this world and the folks who choose to work in them are truly angels. The friendships that your dad makes while he is there will stay with you and it reminds us that we are all here to help each other cross over when the time comes. Sending you and your family lots of love!
This is so helpful to read. I, too, can only see my mother through her diminishment, can only see the decay and differences. Frankly, some of them make her easier to be with and more pleasant than she used to be, but still... It's good to think about the other folks who see and can love the version of "her" she is now. Thanks for giving me that understanding.
I appreciate that you're sharing this journey with us. It is deeply moving and poignant as well as being a gift to those of us also going through it.
I love you Courtney. Your posts have helped me with my ongoing process of grieving my dad who passed in 2019 after his long and winding dementia journey.
oh, I relate to all this so much. My dad has been under hospice care and completely bed ridden since last April after experiencing aspiration pneumonia. It is hard, so hard. When he has moments of wakefulness (short and sweet) and his roommate walks in , he smiles and that smile goes a long ways. His caregivers call him Papa which is so enduring. It's all so tender.
For some reason on Christmas Eve I ended up on a double date with my husband and our friend's parents. It was so special. I vote for dating other people's parents, everything that would have made me sad or annoyed about my own was just Joy with them!
I taught vegetable gardening at a memory care facility for a couple years, and I feel this so deeply. I loved the elders I got to know there, and delighted in my time with them.
I think it's really remarkable to have noticed this as someone in the midst of this reality with your own father. I volunteered for several years running a choir with residents of an elder care facility, most of whom were in advanced stages of dementia. Their families found it very painful to be with them as they were, but I was able to have fun with them and see the experience they were having in the moment as it was, not shadowed by any memories.
These two! Holding hands like that. 🫀 Your reflections are such a generosity, Courtney. Thank you for letting us be a part of your extended, digital village who loves your dad. And Tony, and them all.
I am so grateful Courtney for your continued opening of the window into this process with your father. It is so beautiful and inspiring to me as a writer and a human. And what a powerful reframe that whatever type of care facility your father is in, is a community.
I have friends in Taos who are tending a vision of creating an elder and youth center.. coupling those needs for village with each other.
Go friends go! This is what is needed in our world so badly.
Thank you for writing this. My mother and I are working on transitioning my father to memory care in the next couple of weeks, and we are so heartbroken about it. We're trying to see the positive side of it all, though, and this post really helps me look for the blessings.
Tara, my mother lived in memory care for five years and passed this last August. It was such a hard decision for us, and my father to move her in there. And yet, she acclimated well, and the care givers were superb. Looking back, she got great care, and it allowed us, to love on her and allow the professionals to care for her with expertise we didn’t have. One thing I learned from a physician friend of mine is that even when those with dementia/ Alzheimer’s become non verbal, which was the case with my mother for about three years, our love and emotion still goes in. They can feel it even though they can’t show us or tell us. My brother and sisters I I would visit my mom, sit and tell stories not to her, but among ourselves and we’d get to a funny part and right on cue my mom would crack an ever so slight smile, or occasionally chuckle just a tad. With us just being there we didn’t need to try and engage her directly (which we did for the first year or two and was frustrating), we could be present and she felt like she was a part of our broader time together.
I hope this helps. Feel free to reach out if you’d like any more perspective. Sending you positive energy. 😊
This is so helpful to me, too, James. Thank you thank you.
James this is beautiful. Thank you for sharing. ❤️
Heart-breaking and heart-inspiring. Thank you, Courtney. Your guiding us through your experiences with your father gives comfort and maybe a little hope. Your compassion and the generosity of sharing all of this with us is exceptional.
Courtney, the way you are loving your dad, and now all the other people he lives amongst, is so important. And so, so good for my heart to witness. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Beautiful. Made me cry. You write about these things so eloquently. Thank you.
The comments given here often match the exquisite eloquence of Courtney's phenomenal expression of unconditional love. Sometimes I'm reminded of Thich Nhat Hanh's uncanny career and writings because of the infinite compassion and boundless empathy. Thank you once again for lifting your lucky readers into a world of nonviolence rather than becoming immersed in the political violence that surrounds us. DD
Courtney, this was especially lovely: “I’ve gotten better and better at adapting to each new version of him, figuring out how to connect, but it’s never without a weighted heart.”
I saw my mom through her final years with dementia. She had one her happiest years ever the first year she was in assisted living, made a dear friend and loved the dining room - and no laundry, no housekeeping! As she declined and needed more care she moved other places and needed other things, but she continued to enjoy being with others and to appreciate the caring people who looked after her. It was good for her to have company. Like you say, they only knew her as she was, not as she used to be. And it was a blessing, just how gentle and kind she was with everyone and they with her.
I am so happy that you found a good place with caring, loving people. They do still exist in this world and the folks who choose to work in them are truly angels. The friendships that your dad makes while he is there will stay with you and it reminds us that we are all here to help each other cross over when the time comes. Sending you and your family lots of love!
This is so helpful to read. I, too, can only see my mother through her diminishment, can only see the decay and differences. Frankly, some of them make her easier to be with and more pleasant than she used to be, but still... It's good to think about the other folks who see and can love the version of "her" she is now. Thanks for giving me that understanding.
I appreciate that you're sharing this journey with us. It is deeply moving and poignant as well as being a gift to those of us also going through it.
I love you Courtney. Your posts have helped me with my ongoing process of grieving my dad who passed in 2019 after his long and winding dementia journey.
Love you, too.
oh, I relate to all this so much. My dad has been under hospice care and completely bed ridden since last April after experiencing aspiration pneumonia. It is hard, so hard. When he has moments of wakefulness (short and sweet) and his roommate walks in , he smiles and that smile goes a long ways. His caregivers call him Papa which is so enduring. It's all so tender.
Sending you a big hug of solidarity.
For some reason on Christmas Eve I ended up on a double date with my husband and our friend's parents. It was so special. I vote for dating other people's parents, everything that would have made me sad or annoyed about my own was just Joy with them!
I taught vegetable gardening at a memory care facility for a couple years, and I feel this so deeply. I loved the elders I got to know there, and delighted in my time with them.
I think it's really remarkable to have noticed this as someone in the midst of this reality with your own father. I volunteered for several years running a choir with residents of an elder care facility, most of whom were in advanced stages of dementia. Their families found it very painful to be with them as they were, but I was able to have fun with them and see the experience they were having in the moment as it was, not shadowed by any memories.
These two! Holding hands like that. 🫀 Your reflections are such a generosity, Courtney. Thank you for letting us be a part of your extended, digital village who loves your dad. And Tony, and them all.