I love how you wrote about turning the male gaze to ourselves. I have always gotten a lot of attention from men and not sure why that always gave me a little jolt. Now with ten year old daughter I’m panicked by the male gaze coming at her and need to play my cards right this time
Brilliant journey mapped by you and your brother - thank you for sharing it here too, and a deep bow to Stella for inspiring all this wondering.
When I was a young girl my body was lean - what might be called "athletic" now, even though I'm not particularly - at a time when voluptuous and curvy was in. I was enamoured with boys but I never considered myself a "tom boy" even though my favorite things were to run in the woods and care for horses by picking up poop etc at local stables in the hopes of getting near them. My dad, who had 3 girls, never asked or required or hinted that we be a certain way in terms of gender - he never wished for sporty or masculine boys nor did he wish his girls to be either a replacement for not having boys or particularly feminine (he did let us put bows in his hair). He taught us to think and write and take care of ourselves in the wild - even today, as I live very close to nature, I don't regard this as a gender thing but rather a wild thing.
I still love horses and have been with them my entire life - I live with a herd now. What I love about them is that they are very cooperative beings. They live deeply in community (when allowed in domestic settings) and both the females and males will take up a variety of roles. Despite our infringement of colonialist-capitalist ways of seeing on them, they don't live in a hierarchical manner - everyone is required to tend to the whole. For many years I competed in equestrian riding (jumping) and even today you'll see that this is still the only sport at the Olympics where men and women, male horses and female horses compete together. If you weren't listening to an announcer, it would be hard to tell the gender of either the rider or the horse just from watching them.
I'm so grateful for the lessons in gender fluidity that the young (at least young to me) are bringing to our capitalist-colonialist culture (of course many other cultures - human and more than human have thought fluidly forever). I think this shift is a key aspect of what Joanna Macy calls The Great Turning.
I love this! You've really deepened my own knowledge of what horses can teach us about gender as freedom. What a gift. I also loved the line: "I don't regard this as a gender thing but rather a wild thing."
so... the real problem is the rancid conventional procrustean gender stereotypes. as an adult, i've occasionally been misgendered. i'm undisturbed - i know who i am. usually the misgendering person is the flustered one.
First, I am so glad you have the church in your new community and that Stella also loves it. I am curious, though this may be for a different conversation, whether you investigated the churches and other potential anchors in community as part of choosing where you would move with your parents, whether that was a factor in deciding where to make roots this time.
Growing up I was good at some things that surprised people because they associated them more with boys, but no one ever teased me for it that I recall. My differences were related to seeming immigrant (as my parents were) and also being an identical twin. For these dimensions my sister and I were teased and bullied throughout our schooling. I don't know whether other people sometimes quietly think of me as being neurodivergent, but I expect people note me to themselves still as culturally different in most settings.
Fantastic piece and addition to your church's program! I particularly like the part about gender identity being conflated with trans rights. We all have a gender identity and so much of it has been determined by norms beyond our awareness that cut us off from swaths of our humanity and wholeness.
I had the good fortune of working in a public elementary school. The part of my day I loved the best was greeting children and families at the front of the school. One year, I decided it would be quite fun to dress up in a tutu for Halloween. I really never had second thoughts about it until after I retired. Then I thought, "wow, some of those parents must have wondered about dropping off their kids." That didn't come up at the time, because I enjoyed great love and trust with most of those lovely students and their parents. The third year I wore the tutu, a fourth grade boy decided to wear one also. Talk about making the highlight reel! I ran across his Mom in a coffee shop this winter. She told me he was applying to the Naval Academy. I thought to myself, "I'm glad we might have naval officers who were comfortable enough in their own skin at 10 years of age to wear a tutu to school."
Oh my goodness---as I "cleaned out" my burgeoning inbox, I'm SO glad I didn't skip this! That's a big question---but here's a whiff of an answer. My mama, free tomboy suburban conforming mama. (Honestly she's much more---but for concision will call it that!) Me, free tomboy, too---with a really wide range and little inhibition (so grateful for that)---often felt/feel androgynous in all the free-est ways. My daughter, free tomboy with wide range and a keen societal emergent understanding of gender---that's fabulous (I learn from her). One of my granddaughters----freeeeeeeee baby, wearing moustaches and dresses and the whole shabang juicy and joyous. (A dear friend just said she reminds her of your Stella!) The arc I see is increasingly free---and I'm truly grateful for all that---even in this cultural backslash and conscription/proscription moment---yes, it will be short-lived, I believe (hope). Yay to humans being whole, wild and free. I'm excited to don long strong earrings, wrap a belt around my wrist, stride out in red boots, shear my hair short, and rock a good dress. THANKS for inviting us in, for evoking the juicier questions, for unpacking with curiosity and joy. You're voice, your teaching, your door-opening, your sacred invitations are gifts to the world--------that's hurting and hungry right now. Bless you, Courtney!!
I love how you wrote about turning the male gaze to ourselves. I have always gotten a lot of attention from men and not sure why that always gave me a little jolt. Now with ten year old daughter I’m panicked by the male gaze coming at her and need to play my cards right this time
🎯 You might want to check out my recent book Sexism & Sensibility: Raising Empowered Resilient Girls in The Modern World. Aaaall about that!
Thank you I will check it out!
Brilliant journey mapped by you and your brother - thank you for sharing it here too, and a deep bow to Stella for inspiring all this wondering.
When I was a young girl my body was lean - what might be called "athletic" now, even though I'm not particularly - at a time when voluptuous and curvy was in. I was enamoured with boys but I never considered myself a "tom boy" even though my favorite things were to run in the woods and care for horses by picking up poop etc at local stables in the hopes of getting near them. My dad, who had 3 girls, never asked or required or hinted that we be a certain way in terms of gender - he never wished for sporty or masculine boys nor did he wish his girls to be either a replacement for not having boys or particularly feminine (he did let us put bows in his hair). He taught us to think and write and take care of ourselves in the wild - even today, as I live very close to nature, I don't regard this as a gender thing but rather a wild thing.
I still love horses and have been with them my entire life - I live with a herd now. What I love about them is that they are very cooperative beings. They live deeply in community (when allowed in domestic settings) and both the females and males will take up a variety of roles. Despite our infringement of colonialist-capitalist ways of seeing on them, they don't live in a hierarchical manner - everyone is required to tend to the whole. For many years I competed in equestrian riding (jumping) and even today you'll see that this is still the only sport at the Olympics where men and women, male horses and female horses compete together. If you weren't listening to an announcer, it would be hard to tell the gender of either the rider or the horse just from watching them.
I'm so grateful for the lessons in gender fluidity that the young (at least young to me) are bringing to our capitalist-colonialist culture (of course many other cultures - human and more than human have thought fluidly forever). I think this shift is a key aspect of what Joanna Macy calls The Great Turning.
I love this! You've really deepened my own knowledge of what horses can teach us about gender as freedom. What a gift. I also loved the line: "I don't regard this as a gender thing but rather a wild thing."
so... the real problem is the rancid conventional procrustean gender stereotypes. as an adult, i've occasionally been misgendered. i'm undisturbed - i know who i am. usually the misgendering person is the flustered one.
First, I am so glad you have the church in your new community and that Stella also loves it. I am curious, though this may be for a different conversation, whether you investigated the churches and other potential anchors in community as part of choosing where you would move with your parents, whether that was a factor in deciding where to make roots this time.
Growing up I was good at some things that surprised people because they associated them more with boys, but no one ever teased me for it that I recall. My differences were related to seeming immigrant (as my parents were) and also being an identical twin. For these dimensions my sister and I were teased and bullied throughout our schooling. I don't know whether other people sometimes quietly think of me as being neurodivergent, but I expect people note me to themselves still as culturally different in most settings.
Fantastic piece and addition to your church's program! I particularly like the part about gender identity being conflated with trans rights. We all have a gender identity and so much of it has been determined by norms beyond our awareness that cut us off from swaths of our humanity and wholeness.
Beautiful! Thank you for sharing.
I had the good fortune of working in a public elementary school. The part of my day I loved the best was greeting children and families at the front of the school. One year, I decided it would be quite fun to dress up in a tutu for Halloween. I really never had second thoughts about it until after I retired. Then I thought, "wow, some of those parents must have wondered about dropping off their kids." That didn't come up at the time, because I enjoyed great love and trust with most of those lovely students and their parents. The third year I wore the tutu, a fourth grade boy decided to wear one also. Talk about making the highlight reel! I ran across his Mom in a coffee shop this winter. She told me he was applying to the Naval Academy. I thought to myself, "I'm glad we might have naval officers who were comfortable enough in their own skin at 10 years of age to wear a tutu to school."
The concept of gender as generational (and some other things here) called to mind this post, which explores the temporal nature of gender: https://open.substack.com/pub/katebornstein/p/gender-in-four-dimensions?r=4v3ax3&utm_medium=ios
Oh my goodness---as I "cleaned out" my burgeoning inbox, I'm SO glad I didn't skip this! That's a big question---but here's a whiff of an answer. My mama, free tomboy suburban conforming mama. (Honestly she's much more---but for concision will call it that!) Me, free tomboy, too---with a really wide range and little inhibition (so grateful for that)---often felt/feel androgynous in all the free-est ways. My daughter, free tomboy with wide range and a keen societal emergent understanding of gender---that's fabulous (I learn from her). One of my granddaughters----freeeeeeeee baby, wearing moustaches and dresses and the whole shabang juicy and joyous. (A dear friend just said she reminds her of your Stella!) The arc I see is increasingly free---and I'm truly grateful for all that---even in this cultural backslash and conscription/proscription moment---yes, it will be short-lived, I believe (hope). Yay to humans being whole, wild and free. I'm excited to don long strong earrings, wrap a belt around my wrist, stride out in red boots, shear my hair short, and rock a good dress. THANKS for inviting us in, for evoking the juicier questions, for unpacking with curiosity and joy. You're voice, your teaching, your door-opening, your sacred invitations are gifts to the world--------that's hurting and hungry right now. Bless you, Courtney!!
You might like this https://open.substack.com/pub/sendinmama/p/the-quiet-spectrum-autism-in-girls?r=3z1gi4&utm_medium=ios
Whoo-Hoo for being so close to your subscriber goal!
And thanks to you and Chris for your sibling reflections on the gender freedoms your parents provided when you were growing up.
And now both of you are passing perhaps even more expansive gender freedoms on to your children. Inspiring!